Tear Duct Agitation

When you think of tear jerkers, which films come to mind?  I notice a couple themes that do it for me.

The first is films in which a little girl loses a playmate. 

My Girl
The Book Thief

The second is films in which a father is reunited with a son against all (or most) odds.

A Knight's Tale
Creed II

I think the first theme affects me because there seems to be nothing quite so fierce as the love and loyalty of a little girl.  The second because men who are desperately strong... well you're just ordinarily not going to see them break down and cry and in those rare occasions when you do see it... it kind of induces you to feel a vulnerability that you usually lock away.

What was that all about?

Not saying I’ve ever tried to kill myself.  But… there were times when I tried to try to kill myself.

I had a huge hunting knife when I was a kid and about age ten I became strangely morose.  I resented my family.  We’d go on long trips in the car and everyone would seem bubbly and normal and I absolutely didn’t belong and would fantasize about killing myself.  And I remember holding the knife to my throat but not having the ability to slash.  Because it was too difficult I resorted to an easier technique eventually.  It may well sound stupid but I was ten… I fit a wire hanger around my neck with the idea of strangling myself… I didn’t even manage to cause any discomfort.

Later in my teens I remember the last day of school my sophomore year sitting in the gymnasium and feeling utterly unequal to the task of going forward in my life.  I perceived myself a failure, incapable of advancing, of growing up and meeting the responsibilities of an adult.  I stared off into nowhere seeking an escape.

That summer I came up with the idea of burning our house down with me in it.  I never went so far as obtaining any kerosene, mind you.  But I convinced myself this was something I was going to do.

When I was about to turn 22 I felt the rest of my life would be unbearably miserable with nothing else to look forward to ever… I drove my car to the mall late at night and planned to drive into one of the concrete walls at high speed.  I never even revved the engine, but there I was.

And that was my last suicide fantasy.

Was I clinically depressed?  Probably not.  I never got any help and I don’t think clinical depression is something you just snap out of.  So what changed?  I became obsessed with a beautiful girl at MTSU and even though it was a toxic relationship, I think I was so focused on making it work I had no energy left over for anything more self-destructive.  Or maybe it was just the experience of college.  Perhaps the expansion of my mind liberated me.  Instead of life being pointless, there was the pursuit of knowledge.

I have my battles, my obsessions.  I struggle with addictions all the time.  But I am usually okay.  I make people laugh.  I carve out my own unique life and it works for me as it could never work for anyone else.

I just wonder what that was I went through from 1981-1992. 

I’ll tell you one thing, you won’t catch me pining for my youth.

Impromptu

 

Tomorrow or soon thereafter

Midst perplexing elusive laughter

Bright spheres will orbit as they always have

Busy masses struggle to grasp

Frantic fury to survive

Feverish destiny sweet and sublime

Stagnating species to endure seasons

Living as ever bereft of reasons

 

Tomorrow or soon thereafter

Will I bow and bid farewell hereafter

Taking leave of infatuated anxieties

Pain with her celebrated suffering

Ignorance and her cerebral constriction

Relentless masochistic desire for perfection

Spawned in the dark, fermented in frustration

Farewell now to every vile temptation

 

Tomorrow

Or soon thereafter

Will I confront this world’s conclusive disaster

A funeral ceremony may well commence

Nothing flamboyant

A few ladies and gents

Congregated to demonstrate to no one especially

A suspicion that some left behind may certainly miss me

Faces lowered and sobered and sad

A few tears generously shed on my behalf

 

And on that occasion I should wish I could tell you

What I would feel were I to feel anything when life is through

I write these anemic words while still I may

It wasn’t so bad as I made it seem

Some of you meant so goddamn much to me

There were days, dare I say, I rather loved you

And I smile now to reflect how my feelings grew

Sing tomorrow as you always did, this much I implore

Person I knew

If there is a God I beseech him to bless you

And many thanks for your part in this impromptu.

 

 

Spooky 517

Spooky 517

Some coincidences are pretty mild while others make me stop in my tracks.

A MILD COINCIDENCE

 

Last night at work on Table 12 I happened to notice two gentlemen playing poker right next to each other... one older with a smaller frame... the other taller and younger with a darker complexion.  But what you simply could not help but notice was their shirts were the same color and pattern.... white with black bars and columns intersecting.

 

An artist's rendition

 

Later when the older of the two was cashing out at the cage I asked him if he was related to the younger fellow he'd been playing next to and he chuckled and clarified they had never met previously but that because of their shirts, I was certainly not the first to inquire.

 

As he was walking away I commented to Sarah, the cashier, that the older fellow was the kind you'd like to have for a grandfather.  But then admitted I wouldn't know very much about decent grandfathers.  "Well, one of my grandfathers might have been okay" I said.  "But I wouldn't know for sure because he died before I was born.  The interesting thing about him was he was 6 foot 8 inches... but when he was still 6 foot 5 people would ask him how tall he was and to mess with them he'd answer 5'17 and the response was always an incredulous 'No way, I could have sworn you were more than six foot!'"

 

STOPPING IN MY TRACKS

 

At this point in my story a customer approached Sarah's window so I stepped away in order not to crowd their transaction, but Sarah called me back.  "Hey, where are you going?" she said.  So I came back to her window and realized she was requesting a verification, a common step cashiers take in casinos to make sure they are paying out the right amount of cash for the chips being redeemed.  I glanced quickly at the chips assembled on her counter and basically couldn't believe my eyes.  It was exactly $517!  As though my paternal grandfather were reaching across the years between his death and my birth to share his joke with me.

 





A ranking of my 175 favorite films

1.     Unforgiven ~ proselytizing for two hours how inglorious the old west really was before finishing with the most glorious ending ever.

2.     Gone With The Wind ~ Scarlett O'Hara was my first love. Hard to believe this film was made 70 years ago. Gorgeous soundtrack.

3.     There Will Be Blood ~ Daniel Day Lewis in one of the greatest performances ever. Lost Best Picture Award to a movie appearing on this list at #142.

4.     The Book of Eli ~ Dystopian ambience at its best… stark cruel future… Denzel is bad in a good way and the girl is utterly gorgeous.

5.     Appaloosa ~ My second favorite western.  Great chemistry and writing.

6.     Cinderella Man ~My favorite sports movie.

7.     Life is Beautiful ~ The miraculously perfect fusion of comedy with sadness. Soundtrack is must-have.

8.     Forrest Gump ~ Intellectually challenged character who becomes a football star, ping pong champion, war hero, chivalrous lover, and noble father leaving me with no excuse for dreams unrealized.

9.     True Romance ~ Watch it for the showdown between Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper, but the rest of the movie is superb too.

10.   Star Trek II, III, and IV ~ When I was a child, I'm afraid my reverence for Spock eclipsed my reverence for anything else.

11.   Unbreakable ~ My favorite super hero movie.  Bruce Willis must be convinced of his unique abilities and destiny.

12.   Gladiator ~ Gripping story of revenge waged in ancient times against a twisted tyrant.

13.   The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly ~ Saw it on VHS when I was about 12 and the phone rang just before final showdown. While movie was on pause my brothers and I argued for nearly an hour about who would kill who. Incredible music by Morricone.

14.   To Kill a Mockingbird ~ The inspiring integrity of Atticus. A movie unlike any other for the mood it creates and sustains.

15.   Truman Show ~ Another parable on what you might say if you ever bumped into your maker.

16.   Enchanted ~ Fairytale Princess reminds us it's okay to have faith.... in people, in dreams, in love, in life.

17.   Equilibrium ~ This guy can (and, more to the point, does) kick ass.

18.   Sideways ~ Made me feel smart just watching it. Working at several levels and ultimately suggesting you should be true to yourself and while you're at it, go ahead and conquer your fear.

19.   Rounders ~ The movie about Texas Holdem. Matt Damon's character is a card playing genius.

20.   Groundhog Day ~ Lesson to be learned on how sweet life can be when you stop being an impatient self~centered jerk.

21.   Far and Away ~ My favorite Tom Cruise movie. A great adventure transcending continents and feelings.

22.   Goodwill Hunting ~ Matt Damon's character is a genius (again). This time he's tough as nails too and doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone. He's simply unimpressed.

23.   Life of Brian ~ Easily the funniest movie ever made. And it scores a few points too about how ridiculous religion can be.

24.   Princess Bride ~ When you're a kid you love stories and this is the best one.

25.   Blade Runner ~ My favorite Sci-Fi movie. Rich with symbolism. What if you could meet your maker? Vangelis soundtrack makes it unforgettable.

26.   Rocky I, II, III, V, VI ~ Had to omit the fourth installment because of the goofy speech Rocky makes to the Russian audience after defeating their champion.

27.   Rise of the Planet of the Apes

28.   Love Actually ~ Tons of laughs that leave you appreciating how boring life would be without that warm mushy stuff we tend to classify as love.

29.   Braveheart ~ Beautiful how he humiliates the bad guys for killing his sweetheart. They pay with blood. Lots of it.

30.   Blood of Heroes ~ Little known but perfectly produced dystopian portrayal of underdog athletes who won't quit.

31.   Sling Blade ~ Carl?

32.   Casablanca ~ Replete with majestic dialogue and beautiful musical score.

33.   Long Hot Summer ~ Don Johnson, Cybill Sheperd, Jason Robards. This 1980’s made for TV movie still hasn't been released on DVD.

34.   Napoleon Dynamite ~ One of a handful of comedies on this list. Utterly unique. Makes you thank God you're not in high school anymore. Makes you sad that some people never outgrow those years.

35.   Ivanhoe ~ Referring to the 1982 TV movie starring Sam Neil as the primary villain. A gorgeous depiction of heraldry and chivalry.

36.   Yes Man ~ In which we are playfully reminded that we’re not doing quite enough living with our lives.

37.   Godfather Trilogy ~ Notice the way the appearance of fruit consistently precedes death. The music will linger with you long after the closing credits ascend the screen.

38.   Oz the Great and Powerful

39.   Year One ~ Funnier every time you watch it and it will make you more knowledgeably.

40.   Girl in a Cafe ~ In which life is too damned precious to keep your mouth shut.

41.   The Hunger Games

42.   Django Unchained

43.   Troy ~ Very cool battle scenes and an inspired translation of Homer's Iliad to film without too much silliness with the pantheon of gods.  Unfortunately there is a scene early in the movie in which Brad Pitt seems to have borrowed an outfit from the women’s wardrobe.

44.   Untamed Heart ~ Illustrating how it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved.

45.   Pulp Fiction ~ Not one unquotable line in the entire script.

46.   Desperado ~ Full throttle entertainment greatly accentuated with Salma Hayek's personal contribution to global warming.

47.   Scarface ~ Al Pacino is riveting as the bad ass Cuban. Wicked soundtrack.

48.   Dodge Ball ~ Clever and creative comedy. Ben Stiller wants so much to be tough and somehow fails to realize that he is consistently the precise antithesis of coolness.

49.   The Black Stallion ~ Inspiring and artistic. The main character, Alex, seems so quiet and introverted as though at his young age, he's learned already to live on a more enlightened plane where articulation is rendered primitive.

50.   Shenandoah ~ Watch it for the advice James Steward gives his future son-in-law about how sometimes women will cry and you won't know why they're crying but it doesn't matter. Just hold them.

51.   At Play in the Fields of the Lord ~ Not yet on DVD. Sweeping South American epic in which pretty much every pretension is stripped naked.

52.   Last Samurai ~ My second favorite Tom Cruise movie. There's a great great great action sequence in which the hero replays what he just did in his head... killing three assassins in about three seconds without a weapon.

53.   Scent of a Woman ~ Should be watched on Thanksgiving Day. Pacino's character is blind in a couple of ways. Doesn't stop him from smacking people down... and sometimes they deserve it.

54.   Up

55.   The Hobbit

56.   Lord of the Rings Trilogy ~ Well done adaptation of the classic fantasy series. Could do without all the hobbit frolicking toward the end.

57.   True Grit ~ (2010) Amazing dialogue.

58.   Never Let Me Go ~ An alternate reality in which we depend on exploited clones for our extended life expectancy.

59.   Mask ~ Exciting and hilarious. The first movie I ever saw Cameron Diaz in and it was love at first sight.

60.   District 9 ~ Amazingly realistic style of sci~fi

61.   The Invention of Lying

62.   It's a Wonderful Life ~ James Stewart at his best. Nothing wrong with movies that make you strive to be a better person.

63.   Arsenic and Old Lace ~ Cary Grant at his unrivaled best. The look on his face will crack you up several moments before he opens his mouth to say something.

64.   Harvey ~ Watch this movie every New Year's Eve with a couple of your dearest friends and plenty of White Russians. Takes a few years but eventually you'll find out how it ends.

65.   Regarding Henry ~ Warms your heart to see an asshole accidentally learning how to be a person again.

66.   Philadelphia Story ~ Watch if for the dialogue between Cary Grant and a drunk James Stewart.

67.   High Noon ~ The most classic of all westerns. Gary Cooper, Grace Kelly, and an Academy Award winning soundtrack.

68.   Mr. Smith Goes to Washington ~ A showdown between one good man and an entire government of greed and corruption. Not based on a true story, but who knows... maybe someday.

69.   Apocalypto ~ This is the kind of movie that grabs you and takes you for a ride at an accelerated velocity and never sets you down until you see the end credits.

70.   Leon - The Professional ~ This hero is tough as nails, but somehow a little girl finds a place in his heart.

71.   The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance ~ The sixth film on this list featuring James Stewart. Also John Wayne.

72.   The Graduate ~ I know it's not a comedy, but sometimes I have to laugh at the way the characters are so incapable of connecting with each other. Soundtrack = Greatest Hits by Simon and Garfunkel.

73.   Shane ~ Pretty deep story in which a gun slinger tries to retire while the bad guys won't let him. It doesn't hurt my appreciation for this movie that I was named after the main character.

74.   Planet of the Apes ~ Possilby the greatest cinematic surprise ending of all time. Watch for thunder in the sky when the astronauts are first exploring the planet... I swear you can see the face of an angry ape illuminated in the clouds.

75.   The Crucible ~ A cautionary tale against hysteria based on my favorite play.

76.   Moonstruck ~ I watch the scene over and over again where Nicholas Cage demands of Cher "What am I, a monument to justice? I lost my hand! I lost my hand!" Riveting hilarity.

77.   Pride and Prejudice ~ One of Hollywood's most successful adaptations of a classic.

78.   Searching for Bobby Fischer ~ As you support this little boy's quest to dominate the chess world, he's busy cultivating something far more important, his soul.

79.   A Knight's Tale ~ A fun movie with some surprisingly touching moments.

80.   A Few Good Men ~ You know how sometimes you're flipping through channels and you come to a movie and you just can't flip to another channel no matter how many times you've seen it?

81.   Batman Begins ~ Better than the more highly acclaimed sequel Dark Knight which is poorly written. Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, and Gary Oldman all in one film!

82.   Brave

83.   The Jack Bull ~ Where unwavering principle meets a tragic fate.

84.   Underworld Trilogy ~ Sexy gothic vampire movies with irresistible dark wet sinister ambience and thrilling action. The third and best is set in medieval times.

85.   Avengers

86.   Training Day ~ Possibly Denzel Washington's greatest performance. As close as you can get to L.A. without actually going to L.A.

87.   Count of Monte Cristo ~ Hollywood took this immense classic and said Alexandre Dumas wrote a good story, but we can do better.

88.   I, Robot ~ One of those rare instances in which the film is at least twenty times better than the book.

89.   Somewhere in Time ~ A little silly... a little sappy... but when I first saw it more than twenty years ago... I didn't want it to ever end. Did I fall for Jane Seymour? Of course. Heart melting soundtrack.

90.   Cousins ~ Unforgettable moment as an altercation escalates in the movie's climax when Ted Danson explains "I'm trying to make some chicken salad out of some chicken shit."Lean on Me ~ In which Morgan Freeman endears himself to movie audiences forever.

91.   Frankie and Johnny ~ In which a cook and a waitress remind us that you don't have to be a prince and a princess to create your own hot steamy passionate romance.

92.   Bambi ~ Sweetest animation ever made. Watch it for Thumper's charming perspective on life. Outstanding music.

93.   Idiocracy

94.   Immortals

95.   Titanic ~ No one compares it to Gone With the Wind anymore, thank God, but still a good movie.

96.   Patriot ~ During which I realized I had already seen every facial expression Mel Gibson is capable of (and there are only two), but still a gripping story and well produced.

97.   Legends of the Fall ~ In which Brad Pitt  superbly portrays a man with a wild savage restlessness raging inside.

98.   Independence Day ~ Exciting fun and patriotic!

99.   Last of the Mohicans ~ I like the very old black and white version too, but this one is perfect and beautiful.

100. El Cid ~ In which I fell in love with Sophia Loren at the moment when her character relinquishes her quest for vengeance against the man who killed her father. An epic film.

101. The Ten Commandments ~ In which every line is delivered as though it were going to be the final line in the movie, and yet somehow it works. Majestic soundtrack.

102. Ben Hur ~ Apparently this is the Charlton Heston part of my list.

103. A Time to Kill ~ Not sure how realistic it was to have KKK in hand to hand combat with good guys outside the courthouse, but otherwise a great movie with great performances.

104. Gettysburg ~ A movie about one battle. You'll feel like you were there except you won't have three hundred bullets in you.

105. Bourne Trilogy ~ Exceptional fighting sequences. Bourne is about as cool as an action figure can get.

106. Superman Returns ~ In which I realized that I myself have what it takes to be a superhero minus the looks and the physique and the ability to fly and the incredible strength and the dedication to all that is good, but at least I know how to lose the girl I love. I can do that.

107. Masada ~ Epic showdown between zealots and the entire Roman empire. Peter O'Toole is amazing.

108. Taken ~ Liam Neeson is the wrong vigilante to provoke.

109. Karate Kid I & II ~ The first film features one of the greatest kicks to the head in all of film history. The second takes us to Japan where Daniel falls in love with an unforgettably sweet innocent beautiful girl. Third and fourth installments were painfully stupid.

110. Saving Private Ryan ~ Opening assault on D-Day brought to life... giving my generation a glimpse of why their generation is so revered.

111. All the King’s Men

112. Children of Men ~ Has a tendency to make you jump out of your seat at the least expected moments.

113. Thor

114. A Simple Plan ~ The lady in the seat in front of me got up and left the theater in disgust. But I like movies that make you ask yourself what you would do.

115. Edge of Darkness ~ The grimmest Mel Gibson performance to date.

116. Proof ~ Sophisticated and complex exploration of genius and the fragility of our emotions.

117. The Fighter

118. The Town

119. 10,000 B.C. ~ Similar to Apocalypto, but with magic and fantastic beasts.

120. Matrix ~ Could have been so much better, but Laurence Fishburn's corny speech meant to inspire the good guys before the climactic battle made me gag. And the plot got so convoluted... no one can honestly say they knew what was going on.

121. King Kong ~ Newest version seems like three different movies. First they find Kong. Then there's the Jurassic Park adventure with Kong versus Dinosaurs. Then there's Kong in NY.

122. Liar, Liar ~ Jim Carey's best comedy.

123. Maltese Falcon

124. Davy Crockett ~ This movie instilled in me a dream of ending my life gloriously while killing incredible numbers of enemy soldiers with a couple of pistols and a Bowie knife.

125. My Cousin Vinny ~ Marisa Tomei is delectable and the scene in the cell when Vinny is mistaken for a horny inmate will slay you with laughter.

126. Dream a Little Dream ~ Almost forgotten movie from the 80's with Jason Robards, an adorable Meredith Salinger, and the two Cory's. Winning soundtrack.

127. Kick Ass ~ Extremely R-rated action film.  Don’t miss Nicholas Cage’s tribute to Adam West.

128. The Straight Story

129. Hurt Locker ~ Igniting as nothing has before my sympathy for soldiers who risk their lives every day.

130. Crash

131. 300 ~ Enjoy the action and the story, but not the silliness of everyone growling every time they speak.

132. Safety Not Guaranteed

133. Hanna

134. How to Train Your Dragon

135. The Amazing Spiderman

136. Mary & Max

137. Snowpiercer

138. Hancock

139. Daybreakers

140. And Justice For All

141. Elysium

142. Incredible Hulk ~ In which a helicopter crashes to Earth without bothering to blow up.

143. Centurion

144. Battle of the Bulge

145. Mongol ~  The Rise of Genghis Khan

146. Revolution

147. Finding Forrester ~ Farfetched how the student faces off against the frustrated professor in front of the class… every pupil’s fantasy.

148. Absolute Power

149. Talladega Nights ~ The Ballad of Ricky Bobby ~ I could watch this just for the prayer at the dinner table.

150. Moneyball

151. Dead Poet Society

152. The Reading Room ~ An inspiration for the fine art of being kind and good to the human race.

153. Chariots of Fire ~ Listed more for the Vangelis soundtrack than for great performances or scenery or plot.

154. Excalibur ~ The best Arthurian movie so far, but one day they’ll make one with a decent budget.

155. Pathfinder

156. Sin City

157. American History X

158. Dream Team

159. Monsters Ball

160. Kill Bill I&II

161. Tristan and Isolde

162. Phantom of the Opera

163. Fargo

164. No Country for Old Men

165. Cowboys

166. Anonymous ~ Entertaining treatment of the conspiracy theory that the works of Shakespeare belong to someone else.

167. Super 8

168. Kingdom of Heaven ~ Disappointing how every chapter of his life begins with him meeting someone new and ends with that someone disappearing.

169. The Day the Earth Stood Still (Keanu Reeves)

170. Gangs of New York ~ The main reason to see this movie is the brilliance of Daniel Day Lewis.

171. Tombstone

172. Click

173. Pale Rider

174. Donnie Darko

175. Adjustment Bureau