Not
saying I’ve ever tried to kill myself.
But… there were times when I tried to try to kill myself.
I had
a huge hunting knife when I was a kid and about age ten I became strangely
morose. I resented my family. We’d go on long trips in the car and everyone
would seem bubbly and normal and I absolutely didn’t belong and would fantasize
about killing myself. And I remember
holding the knife to my throat but not having the ability to slash. Because it was too difficult I resorted to an
easier technique eventually. It may well
sound stupid but I was ten… I fit a wire hanger around my neck with the idea of
strangling myself… I didn’t even manage to cause any discomfort.
Later
in my teens I remember the last day of school my sophomore year sitting in the
gymnasium and feeling utterly unequal to the task of going forward in my
life. I perceived myself a failure,
incapable of advancing, of growing up and meeting the responsibilities of an
adult. I stared off into nowhere seeking
an escape.
That
summer I came up with the idea of burning our house down with me in it. I never went so far as obtaining any
kerosene, mind you. But I convinced
myself this was something I was going to do.
When
I was about to turn 22 I felt the rest of my life would be unbearably miserable
with nothing else to look forward to ever… I drove my car to the mall late at
night and planned to drive into one of the concrete walls at high speed. I never even revved the engine, but there I
was.
And
that was my last suicide fantasy.
Was I
clinically depressed? Probably not. I never got any help and I don’t think
clinical depression is something you just snap out of. So what changed? I became obsessed with a beautiful girl at
MTSU and even though it was a toxic relationship, I think I was so focused on
making it work I had no energy left over for anything more
self-destructive. Or maybe it was just
the experience of college. Perhaps the
expansion of my mind liberated me.
Instead of life being pointless, there was the pursuit of knowledge.
I
have my battles, my obsessions. I
struggle with addictions all the time.
But I am usually okay. I make
people laugh. I carve out my own unique
life and it works for me as it could never work for anyone else.
I
just wonder what that was I went through from 1981-1992.
I’ll
tell you one thing, you won’t catch me pining for my youth.
