The Coolest Atheist

Yesterday there was a knock at my door. Two instantly identifiable Mormons. I explained I was on my way to play volleyball and the more talkative of the two enthused that he loves the sport himself. Then he admitted they were obviously from the Church of Latter Day Saints and I admitted I had been over to their church with two of their missionaries a couple years ago, but couldn't remember their names.

The most interesting thing about that earlier experience was that the tour of their church prominently featured several paintings depicting God and Jesus and various angels and prophets. I asked them how they could reconcile the importance of these works of art with the commandment in Exodus 20 that says, "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth." The reflexive argument that these are paintings and not graven images doesn't work nor does it matter that they feature and glorify the one true God. I'm constantly in awe of the theological accrobats people can demonstrate, always with a straight face, in order to manipulate their scriptures into servility. They no longer practice burnt offerings because the old covenant was nailed to the cross, but part of the old covenant included the commandment not to kill. They kept that one... for the most part... unless you question them about supporting the wars in the Middle East or about supporting capital punishment in which case... what God meant to say is that you shouldn't murder someone in cold blood. God could have saved everyone a lot of time if he'd shortened the entire Bible down to these very few words: Homosexuals are disgusting. That's all anyone really wants to use the Bible for lately... they just need some good solid excuse for bigotry... the rest is only so much old English. But I digress... incessantly.

This time I only mentioned the tour of their church and didn't delve into the whole graven image conundrum. They wanted to know if my visit had made an impression on me and I revealed that I am an atheist. This, in itself, has a little bit of a story behind it. On any given day I may choose instead to call myself an agnostic. I personally do not find the two to be contradictory at all. The former indicates a lack of belief in God while the latter... a lack of knowledge of God's existence. Agnosticism is usually more palatable for believers to tolerate. Agnostics, it seems, are just simple and spineless and stupid... they are to be pitied while atheists, on the other hand, are far more threatening and offensive and just plain wrong! I'm both, and will mention one or the other of these philosophies depending on my attitude toward believers at any given moment. Yesterday my attitude was one of exasperation and I'll tell you why.

Earlier I'd been shopping at Fred Meyer and happened to pick up this month's Vanity Fair to see whether or not I should buy it. I came across an article about a prominent atheist, Christopher Hitchens, who happens to be dying from a tumor in his esophagus. The name of the article is Unanswerable Prayers and the part that irritated me was a comment made on a Christian website: Who else feels Christopher Hitchens getting terminal throat cancer [sic] was God’s revenge for him using his voice to blaspheme him? Atheists like to ignore FACTS. They like to act like everything is a “coincidence”. Really? It’s just a “coincidence” [that] out of any part of his body, Christopher Hitchens got cancer in the one part of his body he used for blasphemy? Yea, keep believing that Atheists. He’s going to writhe in agony and pain and wither away to nothing and then die a horrible agonizing death, and THEN comes the real fun, when he’s sent to HELLFIRE forever to be tortured and set afire.

I know when I see something like this, it is not representative of how all Christians feel, but it has the effect on me that I don't want to be subtle in my skepticism... yes I'm an atheist... I've read the Bible... the whole book before I was 15 years old and yes I know more about the Bible than 90% of the Christians who believe in it... yes I went to church for my entire childhood and went to private church schools too and I prayed and studied and believed and and was elected class pastor in 1986 and 1988 at Madison Academy and I'm an atheist without reservation. I don't believe in heaven or hell or angels or demons or spirits of any kind... certainly not spirits that impregnate virgins.

I didn't get into all that with the missionaries, though. It was enough yesterday just to say I am an atheist. When they asked why I mentioned my opinion of where the idea of God came from which I have explored in a previous blog, Solar Powered Theism. The more talkative fellow then proceeded to proselytize about the feeling you have when you love someone but you can't prove that you love them... that's how it is when the Lord is speaking to you. They asked me how do I explain the big events in life and I said that I don't. I used to speculate on what would cause someone to make up a story in which their child was miraculously healed. A person may not seem like the type to invent a story like that. But I don't believe in miracles. So I have no opinion about such things. I had to rush all of this along. They gave me a little card with a picture of Jesus on it. It's around here somewhere... though it resembles a likeness of something that may or may not be in heaven... it's not really bothering anyone.

As they were leaving the less talkative one said, "You're the coolest atheist that we've ever talked to." To which I replied, "I know a lot of them can be jerks. I've talked to them too and sometimes I'm like (in my sarcastic voice)... Wow... I'm one of you... wonderful!"

So I felt good about that. Then I went and played volleyball and lost my temper with some psychopathic idiot. I stormed off the court and he called out "Stop being a baby!" And I said without thinking at all, "Fuck you, bitch!"

So I didn't feel good about that.