As of six minutes ago I reached 10 days of gambling abstinence. It's nice getting into double digits. It's progress.
Yesterday while napping I dreamed I capitulated and sat down to play poker and won a few dollars but felt shitty for succumbing to temptation so soon when I have felt confident I could hold out for much longer. But the nice thing about a rotten dream like that is the euphoric realization afterward that it was only a dream. And ultimately it motivates me more.
When I quit ten days ago I said to myself... I'm not just trying to break my record this time. I'm not merely attempting to go an entire year gambling free... this time is forever... I want to look back at 2011 as the year I quit for good. But already I'm finding this a difficult resolve to embrace.
I wonder how much better I could be as a gambler if I could get my tilt under control. Tilting is.. basically when you are unhappy with your luck and you let your emotions dictate your decisions rather than controlling yourself with impersonal logic and proven principles. I have entertained notions of how I could practice subduing my emotional responses so that after a year or so I can return to gambling... and be better at it.
Additionally I recently met a beautiful young woman and learned she works at a local casino and so there's the temptation of wandering in there one day and playing cards and... you know... putting myself in a situation where I can get to know her. Easy enough to put it off for now... but forever?
Tricky.
Just being honest with myself... if I'm slaying this dragon... I like to acknowledge it's one fat son of a bitch dragon I'm slaying.
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