One Forever at a Time

November 13th I sat down to play Texas Holdem to kill some time before the end of my shift.  I work in a poker room and am allowed to play on the clock if in the estimation of management, my playing will contribute to sustaining the game.  I bought in for $500 and won my first hand, but then began losing and had to buy another $400 in chips... and then another $400... in less than two hours I dropped $1600 and realized this whole gambling thing needs to stop.  Problem is it's addictive. 

I have plenty of horror stories about losing money to this vice.  One time I had won about $250 while playing Spanish 21 with my girlfriend... we enjoyed a free dinner in the restaurant and were going home when she persuaded me it would be fun to play the slot machines for a little while... we were positively losing back all the money we'd won and unable to accept this... found a roulette wheel where I lost the remainder of my winnings along with another $1000.  I told my girlfriend I was going to the restroom but instead went and processed a cash advance on my credit card for $2000 thinking this way my girlfriend wouldn't have to realize I'd lost all my money... but then before rejoining her I found another roulette wheel and lost the entire $2000 too.

Eventually I was forced to file for bankruptcy and saved up about $800 for the lawyer... but the day before my appointment I stopped at a casino and lost it all.  Had to beg my girlfriend to loan me the money. Admitting how stupid I'd been was becoming painfully familiar.

I've found that I'm capable of staying away from it for long periods of time... always keeping track and trying to eclipse previous records... 86 days of abstinence... 142 days, 152 days, 172 days, and most recently 243 days....

I've tried everything to motivate myself... I've written a daily blog, I've attended one Gamblers Anonymous meeting... I've set up a savings account that deducts $10 automatically from my checking account each day that I don't gamble.  I've designed a timetable for rewards... things I can buy if I make it a predetermined number of days without straying.... I've written time~stamped assurances that I would not transgress.  I've tried telling everyone about my struggles... I've tried telling no one...

All I know to do is to keep trying.