As of six minutes ago I reached 10 days of gambling abstinence. It's nice getting into double digits. It's progress.
Yesterday while napping I dreamed I capitulated and sat down to play poker and won a few dollars but felt shitty for succumbing to temptation so soon when I have felt confident I could hold out for much longer. But the nice thing about a rotten dream like that is the euphoric realization afterward that it was only a dream. And ultimately it motivates me more.
When I quit ten days ago I said to myself... I'm not just trying to break my record this time. I'm not merely attempting to go an entire year gambling free... this time is forever... I want to look back at 2011 as the year I quit for good. But already I'm finding this a difficult resolve to embrace.
I wonder how much better I could be as a gambler if I could get my tilt under control. Tilting is.. basically when you are unhappy with your luck and you let your emotions dictate your decisions rather than controlling yourself with impersonal logic and proven principles. I have entertained notions of how I could practice subduing my emotional responses so that after a year or so I can return to gambling... and be better at it.
Additionally I recently met a beautiful young woman and learned she works at a local casino and so there's the temptation of wandering in there one day and playing cards and... you know... putting myself in a situation where I can get to know her. Easy enough to put it off for now... but forever?
Tricky.
Just being honest with myself... if I'm slaying this dragon... I like to acknowledge it's one fat son of a bitch dragon I'm slaying.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Prelapsarian Peregrinations
I've made it three days (and 6.5 hours) without gambling and doing well. Life does not suck... which almost puzzles me. I should wake up sick each day about how much money I wasted so recently... but the pitiful actuality is that I've done this so many times I'm nearly immune to it. Desensitized.
When I was attending MTSU I bought a beautiful Bible with the Scofield Study System published by Oxford. Even though I'm a skeptic of religion, I wanted a superior text with which to do my research. I knew I would be marking it up with notes and underlining and so I commenced a search for a pen that would serve this purpose effectually. What I found was the uni-ball gel pen and I've been using them fanatically ever since... about twelve years now. I use them for everything. I don't even want to make a bank deposit unless I have one with me. I don't want to use the pen they provide with my check at a restaurant or barista... I want to use my pen. It just flows smoother... and my handwriting comes out more confident. Anyway on Sunday... less than one day into my current effort at gambling abstinence... while I walked around the poker room half monitoring customers who might need more chips and half monitoring the demolition of my NY Jets at the hands of their hated rivals, the Patriots, as it was broadcast on five flat screen televisions, the cap to my pen snapped off... Only I didn't realize it for a few moments and by the time I discovered the caplessness of said pen... I didn't know where I might have been when the decapitation occurred... so I retraced my steps. This is by no means the first time this has happened... and I liken it to the sensation you might endure if you were to show up at work one day and suddenly realize you were naked. Very disconcerting and it's hard to concentrate on anything work-related until your personal dilemma is resolved. Well.. a few minutes later when I'd almost given up I did spot the cap laying unharmed near table 4 Seat 6 at the front of the room... And relieved at its reunion with pen I realized that indeed... my life would continue and there would be happiness once more. That's all it took.
And I'm demonstrating greater self-control with my dieting... Saying things to myself like... on my next break I'm only going to eat one banana and one other fruit... and then following through on it... to the letter. This is unusual to me. I lost three pounds in three days... that was before last night when I accidentally ate a banana with peanut butter, two waffles, half a can of Blue Diamond BBQ roasted almonds, and a bowl of pears just minutes before going to bed. But still.. in general... doing better... like yesterday at my favorite restaurant... Chili Thai... I ate half of my dinner and boxed up the other half for later. How difficult is that to do when you're eating something delicious? For me it's a challenge.
And I'm doing housework each day... it's so easy for me to say I'm going to wash dishes or vacume or clean the sink... but when I actually follow through... I become ridiculously proud of myself.
But most importantly... I've been writing in my novel frequently... not a lot... but often. The working title is Lilith's Lament, but a repetitious tendency in the writing has occurred to me. Near the beginning a character named Lance is relating to a young student named Ryan the events that occurred in Eden before the creation of Adam and Eve. One thing that happens is that Lucifer is banished for a while and with there being nothing much better to do... he goes walking across the face of the Earth and back. Then after Adam is created Lucifer and Gabriel go searching for him... so I felt compelled to decorate their search with dialogue. Then they found him and are escorting him back to Eden... and once more I must relate what they talk about on the way... but to interrupt the monotony... I decide to have the present day narrators... Lance and Ryan... consider how late it is getting... so Lance offers to accompany Ryan on the way back to his neighborhood... ughh... more walking! Anyway... that's when I jokingly came up with a new title for my novel... Prelapsarian Peregrinations. Wich means walking on foot before the fall of mankind.
When I was attending MTSU I bought a beautiful Bible with the Scofield Study System published by Oxford. Even though I'm a skeptic of religion, I wanted a superior text with which to do my research. I knew I would be marking it up with notes and underlining and so I commenced a search for a pen that would serve this purpose effectually. What I found was the uni-ball gel pen and I've been using them fanatically ever since... about twelve years now. I use them for everything. I don't even want to make a bank deposit unless I have one with me. I don't want to use the pen they provide with my check at a restaurant or barista... I want to use my pen. It just flows smoother... and my handwriting comes out more confident. Anyway on Sunday... less than one day into my current effort at gambling abstinence... while I walked around the poker room half monitoring customers who might need more chips and half monitoring the demolition of my NY Jets at the hands of their hated rivals, the Patriots, as it was broadcast on five flat screen televisions, the cap to my pen snapped off... Only I didn't realize it for a few moments and by the time I discovered the caplessness of said pen... I didn't know where I might have been when the decapitation occurred... so I retraced my steps. This is by no means the first time this has happened... and I liken it to the sensation you might endure if you were to show up at work one day and suddenly realize you were naked. Very disconcerting and it's hard to concentrate on anything work-related until your personal dilemma is resolved. Well.. a few minutes later when I'd almost given up I did spot the cap laying unharmed near table 4 Seat 6 at the front of the room... And relieved at its reunion with pen I realized that indeed... my life would continue and there would be happiness once more. That's all it took.
And I'm demonstrating greater self-control with my dieting... Saying things to myself like... on my next break I'm only going to eat one banana and one other fruit... and then following through on it... to the letter. This is unusual to me. I lost three pounds in three days... that was before last night when I accidentally ate a banana with peanut butter, two waffles, half a can of Blue Diamond BBQ roasted almonds, and a bowl of pears just minutes before going to bed. But still.. in general... doing better... like yesterday at my favorite restaurant... Chili Thai... I ate half of my dinner and boxed up the other half for later. How difficult is that to do when you're eating something delicious? For me it's a challenge.
And I'm doing housework each day... it's so easy for me to say I'm going to wash dishes or vacume or clean the sink... but when I actually follow through... I become ridiculously proud of myself.
But most importantly... I've been writing in my novel frequently... not a lot... but often. The working title is Lilith's Lament, but a repetitious tendency in the writing has occurred to me. Near the beginning a character named Lance is relating to a young student named Ryan the events that occurred in Eden before the creation of Adam and Eve. One thing that happens is that Lucifer is banished for a while and with there being nothing much better to do... he goes walking across the face of the Earth and back. Then after Adam is created Lucifer and Gabriel go searching for him... so I felt compelled to decorate their search with dialogue. Then they found him and are escorting him back to Eden... and once more I must relate what they talk about on the way... but to interrupt the monotony... I decide to have the present day narrators... Lance and Ryan... consider how late it is getting... so Lance offers to accompany Ryan on the way back to his neighborhood... ughh... more walking! Anyway... that's when I jokingly came up with a new title for my novel... Prelapsarian Peregrinations. Wich means walking on foot before the fall of mankind.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
One Forever at a Time
November 13th I sat down to play Texas Holdem to kill some time before the end of my shift. I work in a poker room and am allowed to play on the clock if in the estimation of management, my playing will contribute to sustaining the game. I bought in for $500 and won my first hand, but then began losing and had to buy another $400 in chips... and then another $400... in less than two hours I dropped $1600 and realized this whole gambling thing needs to stop. Problem is it's addictive.
I have plenty of horror stories about losing money to this vice. One time I had won about $250 while playing Spanish 21 with my girlfriend... we enjoyed a free dinner in the restaurant and were going home when she persuaded me it would be fun to play the slot machines for a little while... we were positively losing back all the money we'd won and unable to accept this... found a roulette wheel where I lost the remainder of my winnings along with another $1000. I told my girlfriend I was going to the restroom but instead went and processed a cash advance on my credit card for $2000 thinking this way my girlfriend wouldn't have to realize I'd lost all my money... but then before rejoining her I found another roulette wheel and lost the entire $2000 too.
Eventually I was forced to file for bankruptcy and saved up about $800 for the lawyer... but the day before my appointment I stopped at a casino and lost it all. Had to beg my girlfriend to loan me the money. Admitting how stupid I'd been was becoming painfully familiar.
I've found that I'm capable of staying away from it for long periods of time... always keeping track and trying to eclipse previous records... 86 days of abstinence... 142 days, 152 days, 172 days, and most recently 243 days....
I've tried everything to motivate myself... I've written a daily blog, I've attended one Gamblers Anonymous meeting... I've set up a savings account that deducts $10 automatically from my checking account each day that I don't gamble. I've designed a timetable for rewards... things I can buy if I make it a predetermined number of days without straying.... I've written time~stamped assurances that I would not transgress. I've tried telling everyone about my struggles... I've tried telling no one...
All I know to do is to keep trying.
I have plenty of horror stories about losing money to this vice. One time I had won about $250 while playing Spanish 21 with my girlfriend... we enjoyed a free dinner in the restaurant and were going home when she persuaded me it would be fun to play the slot machines for a little while... we were positively losing back all the money we'd won and unable to accept this... found a roulette wheel where I lost the remainder of my winnings along with another $1000. I told my girlfriend I was going to the restroom but instead went and processed a cash advance on my credit card for $2000 thinking this way my girlfriend wouldn't have to realize I'd lost all my money... but then before rejoining her I found another roulette wheel and lost the entire $2000 too.
Eventually I was forced to file for bankruptcy and saved up about $800 for the lawyer... but the day before my appointment I stopped at a casino and lost it all. Had to beg my girlfriend to loan me the money. Admitting how stupid I'd been was becoming painfully familiar.
I've found that I'm capable of staying away from it for long periods of time... always keeping track and trying to eclipse previous records... 86 days of abstinence... 142 days, 152 days, 172 days, and most recently 243 days....
I've tried everything to motivate myself... I've written a daily blog, I've attended one Gamblers Anonymous meeting... I've set up a savings account that deducts $10 automatically from my checking account each day that I don't gamble. I've designed a timetable for rewards... things I can buy if I make it a predetermined number of days without straying.... I've written time~stamped assurances that I would not transgress. I've tried telling everyone about my struggles... I've tried telling no one...
All I know to do is to keep trying.
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