To begin with humans are disgusting. We spend most of our lives trying to improve our self~esteem and self~confidence when in reality we are pathetic and gross.
Because of our worthlessness, we desperately long for any indication that someone... anyone accepts us. But even when someone does... it's not enough. We realize the only reason this or that sucker loves us is because we've fooled them, and so rather than feeling better about ourselves... we just recognize more clearly how stupid and desperate other people are.
This helps to explain why I can offer my entire heart and soul to a girl and instead or her reciprocating my feelings, she shuns me and gravitates toward some guy who borrows her money, eats all her food, and treats her like a dumb prostitute. It's like she knows I'm an imbecile because how else could I have fallen for her? So she throws herself at the feet of a genuine asshole because if she can somehow convince him to love her... well then... maybe she isn't quite so disgusting and worthless after all.
Not all relationships are this bad, you may say, but how many can you think of off the top of your head that you would describe as great? For me... it's really not many. I can't even think of many in which the actual participants claim to be happy with each other. And then the ones who do make the claim often appear to be trying to convince themselves more than me.
My theory is that most people are getting into relationships way too soon... way too rashly. They almost wilt with fear at the notion of being alone. How many times have I seen a friend go through a tough break up and proclaim courageously, "That's it, I'm done with relationships!" And how long, on average does it take for them to forsake that vow and to either vault themselves into the arms of someone new, or even worse... to vault themselves back into the arms of the person who just ruined their life? Answer: about three weeks. That's how long it takes.. on average... That's what I've observed.
And what happens if you don't submerge yourself into a relationship quickly? Well... I have some perspective on that. There are the cliche things like you find yourself or you heal, but let's be candid... it sucks. With every passing day you become more convinced of the truth which is that no one loves you... horror of horrors. But so what? As Chris Isaak croons in his most famous song, "Nobody loves no one" which, if you can ignore the double negative, is meant to suggest love is dead. And why? Because we're all so damned selfish. We are really too consumed with our individual crusades for attention to really give a flying fuck about anyone else... not even the person upon whom we have most recently pinned all our hopes of ever being loved.
I have listened for countless hours to girls who can't figure out why a guy says he feels this way but then acts that way. Why does he say he loves you but then he would rather play video games than take you to dinner? Or some such conundrum as that, but during these seemingly endless delvings into the supposed reasons for such and such a behavior... what almost never comes up is how the girl feels about the guy they are analyzing. Doesn't matter. All that matters is how the guy feels about her. Does he love her? That's what she wants to know. Whether or not she loves him is a question of absolutely no interest at all. In fact, to address such a question she would almost need to have some inkling or another of what the heck love is. Which would be pointless inasmuch as... love continues relentlessly to be positively extinct, except you know... for the love of a mother or the love of a pet or whatever. And yes there are a few other exceptions... a few meaningful relationships between a man and a woman in which they love each other. It's just that I hesitate to mention them because you get the feeling I'm talking about a few dozen such exceptions and I'm not... there are like three good relationships for every 920 million stupid ones.
So every once in a while someone will ask me why I'm not in a relationship and I jump at the opportunity to pontificate upon a subject that absorbs so much of my thinking, and I probably tend to overwhelm my listener much sooner than I realize. But somewhat succinctly... and this part will make some folks cringe... I can't fake a lot of confidence. I love myself for some things and loathe myself for others. I can handle the combination pretty well on my own, but that's the best I can hope for... I just can't pretend anyone else might enjoy subjecting themselves to life with someone as deplorable as me.... and I know myself well... been up close and personal with myself pretty much non-stop.
That's the main thing... and then add to that how critical I am of others... a tendency getting exponentially worse with age. I judge girls mercilessly... I don't like the way she's raising her kids, I don't like how much makeup she wears, I don't like how tiny her hands are, I don't like the coarse language she uses, I don't care for her anti-semitism, I don't understand how she can be so gullible, I hate the way she takes 15 times longer to explain something than it should, I don't like how arrogant she is, I'm not a fan of her smoking, I don't like how scary she looks when she's crying, I don't like her narcissism or her insensitivity or the shapelessness of her rear end or her antipathy for reading or her belief in ghosts or... and please don't miss this... her proclivity for being critical of others.
So if ever I were going to fall for someone... it would have to be someone almost flawless and just like everyone else, I would need this special someone to be practically indifferent to me. Otherwise I would realize instantly that she's an idiot... and there's nothing flawless about idiots.
No, relationships are pointless and stupid and unnecessary. But that's not why I hate them. The reason I hate them is because they deprive me of what I do enjoy... friendships. Being single is the way to go, but only if there are a lot of other single people. A couple months ago I wanted to see a movie.. a romantic movie and I wanted a date to see the movie with. I found someone but it was almost a miracle. Most of the female friends I wanted to take were unavailable... sometimes because of work sometimes because of family, but most of them I couldn't ask in the first place because of their boyfriends or husbands. Which they have to have in order to avoid the hell of being single... but that's the bitch of it... being single isn't hell... unless you're the only one... which I am. And that's why I hate relationships.
