How to Get Over Her in Six Years or More

When you break up with her it’s eminently necessary to have a plan for the remainder of the day. I suggest visiting a casino and playing blackjack. I mean what’s the worst thing that can happen? Your life is already over so losing a few hundred dollars will hardly even register on the Richter scale of your existence.

On the other hand when you do lose a few hundred dollars, and you will, it’s possible you will begin  doubting your ability to make good decisions for yourself. You might think something like this: Obviously I’m a complete idiot and there is no way I can make it in this world on my own so the best thing to do now is to call her and tell her I’m sorry.

But you can’t do that because that would be like admitting that you need her more than she needs you. So you go home and fall into bed and wake up continuously to the realization that, yes, your life is over now.

But another day begins and it’s important to avoid places that might remind you of her. I suggest Walmart, but avoid the trash can aisle or you might see the shiny red trash can you both were thinking about purchasing for the kitchen two months ago in happier times. Seeing something like that might cause a sensation quite similar to having someone stomp on your stomach repeatedly. Don’t feel bad. Everyone’s eyes water when they see a shiny red trash can. Don’t panic.

If you haven’t spoken to her in four days this would be a good time to write her a chivalrously sweet note thanking her for everything she’s meant to you and delivering it to her mailbox personally. This will show her clearly that she’s not losing any regular guy… she’s losing a truly caring and thoughtful gentleman. This strategy features the additional benefit of positioning you at the entrance to her driveway where you can scope out any vehicles which may or may not belong to any other men in her life of whom you may previously have been unaware.

If all goes according to plan she will get your note and on day five she will call you and you will hear her voice and realize you are more in love with her now than you ever were before. This is wonderful. Just think… only five years and 360 days to go… or more.

Since day five was so beautiful, it’s a good idea on day six to check your online phone records of the plan you share with her (that you’re paying for) to make sure she’s not getting a lot of phone calls from anyone you cannot identify. Don’t be surprised if you discover she’s been talking to someone every night from about 10pm to 3am since about five days before you broke up. Want to see something weird?

Check this out: 253 566-1522

What’s so weird about that you ask? Well it’s just a sequence of numbers but for some reason when I look at it I can tell it belongs to a guy. Weird, right? It's just a demonstration... you can actually do it with any numbers arranged in any order... there's nothing the least bit female about any of them.  Every unknown number appearing on her phone records must belong to a guy.  It's a rule.

Whatever you do, don’t confront her about the guy-looking phone number or she will know you’ve been checking the phone records and that would make you look obsessive and insecure.

And when you accidentally do confront her anyway don’t be surprised if she's evasive. I mean... technically... she's not your girlfriend anymore.  Hate to be the one to mention that... but there it is.

Eventually, in her own time she will tell you the number does belong to a guy... a guy that was trying to get with her the whole time you were dating. And now because she’s alone… thanks to you breaking up with her… they’ve become close friends.

Also don’t be surprised if... six months later... they're engaged to be married.
This is actually good for two reasons. First you will realize that she doesn’t love you so you can go on with your life. And second, you only have five and a half years to go… or more.

You should throw yourself into new activities… I suggest the outdoor heavy metal concert in month seven of being single. I realize you completely despise heavy metal music and you basically hate the buddy who invited you, but you can’t ignore the fact that the concert is being held in her neighborhood and since your buddy gets too drunk to drive and locks himself up in your car… this is an ideal time to call her in the middle of the night… and spill the beans about how much you still love her. Chicks dig this kind of thing.  And now you have a mere five years and five months before you are completely over her... or more.

In about the ninth month you should be ready to purge your emotions. I suggest writing a poem about how bleak and pathetic the world is without her. Feel free to publish this masterpiece on Facebook so all two dozen of your loved ones can see it and inundate you with magnificent reaffirmations about what a wonderful person you are and what a wonderful person you will someday find when you finally get over her… in five years and three months… or more.

In the tenth month you should go to a bookstore and peruse the several hundred publications about how to stop drinking. Even if you don’t drink… because obviously you are addicted to this girl and the only thing anyone has ever written about addiction has been pretty much about alcoholism. Just as you are about to give up in disgust you will see a book about how to win the heart of the girl you love. This is a great book for helping you get over her… you must have it.

For the next few weeks you will follow the advice of this book and offer your friendship to her. This will work beautifully for a while… once she realizes she can trust you, she will begin sharing with you some of her concerns about her new lover. Don’t be surprised if it stings a little bit to realize she loves him more than she ever loved you even though he’s the most enormously boring person you have ever heard of. The book advises patience.

At the end of the first year she will break up with the boring fiance’ dude and this will be the happiest day of your life because obviously you are going to get back together and also you now have only five years left before you get over her… or more.

Don’t be surprised if things move kind of slow here and you don’t get back together as quickly as you might like. Since you know her password, I suggest checking her e-mail to make sure everything is okay. Don’t be surprised if you find a confirmation for reservations for her and the guy she supposedly just broke up with for a weekend in Vegas. In the event this upsets you, try to look on the bright side… this proves she doesn’t really care about you at all and you can start moving on with your life… in four years and eleven months… or more.

Whatever you do, don’t confront her or she will get the idea that maybe you’re not satisfied with just being friends and that you want something more from her than she is willing to give.

When you do confront her anyway she will probably change her password and you won’t be able to spy on her e-mail anymore but that’s okay because you’re that much closer to getting over her… in four years and ten months… or more.

At the beginning of year number two you will probably be getting over her a little faster than originally scheduled. This would be a good time to give her a call out of the blue to see how she’s doing. Don’t be surprised if she’s single again. In the back of your mind you’ll be wondering… if she’s single… why didn’t she call you? It couldn’t be that she doesn’t really care about you. That would be absurd.

Also don’t be surprised when she starts dating someone new. This guy will be the most fun and most exciting guy she has ever met in her life, but what does that matter? You just want to be friends. So far as romantic feelings are concerned, you are completely over her… or at least you will be in four years… or more.

At the beginning of year three I suggest writing a book just for her in which you describe in the most eloquent language imaginable what a completely beautiful dream she is. Put all of your heart into it… put all of your soul into it… if your pen runs dry… you should write the final few pages with the water from your tears.

Don’t be surprised if she never reads it, but no matter… you only have three more years of hell… or more.

In the fourth year you will try being friends again because it’s always worked out so well for you in the past. You will loan her money when she needs it and she won’t pay it back, but look at it as a down payment on your liberation from her which will begin in two years… or more.

In the fifth year you will slip up and say something about what a fucking loser her boyfriend is for cheating on her… and she will hate you for it and stop speaking to you. But that’s okay because you can still stalk her on Facebook… and besides you only have one year to go… or more.

At the end of year six you will finally stop checking her Facebook for any hint of news and you will delete her from your phone.

Great job! I knew you could do it! You’re ready for a healthy new relationship!  Now write a blog about how you did it so others can benefit from your triumph!