The End of the World is no Joking Matter

On December 4th Besse Cooper passed away.  She was the oldest person in the world. 

Thirteen days later Dina Manfredini passed away.  She was the new oldest person in the world.

So the current title belongs to Jiroemon Kimura.  And if he continues living for nine more days he will break the world record for the oldest man to ever live (documented reviewed confirmed and verified).

But if something should happen before then and he is unable to break the record, it would mark the third time in one month that the world's oldest person dies... an occurence unprecedented in history unless you believe the story of Noah's flood...




Which makes me wonder if the Mayans weren't just poking fun at us because of Snooki having a baby and Twinkies going out of business (but not before Snooki had her share)... maybe there really is something going on.




Meanwhile according to BureauOfAgeStatistics.Com I am currently ranked exactly 3 billionth on the oldest people in the world list... I'll be watching these numbers closely in the next few days.

Seattle Sports Fans Out of Tune

I've lived in Chicago and the sports fans there are brash.  I've lived in Nashville and the fans there are tentative but true... like they're still trying to figure out what it means to have professional teams but they love the hell out of the Predators and Titans.  And now I live in Seattle and the sports fans here make me wish I had a mute button.  For years I've heard them complain about the eggregious blunder in 1998 when Vinny Testeverde's helmet (but not the pigskin) crossed the plane of the goal line resulting in a touchdown for the Jets and robbing the Seahawks of a significant win... and then at the end of the 2005 season there was the Super Bowl... with a ton of close calls for the officials to make and a few of them were probably bad calls... but in Seattle it was the end of the freakin' world... those officials were completely stupid and worthless and and it was a conspiracy and blah blah blah...

For a city with such a rich tradition in music... they sure are singing a different tune now.  Now it's all about how they don't owe anyone an apology.  No one said they did.  But with the whole world looking (with a decided expression of disgust) at last night's dubious Monday Night Football victory for the Hawks... it would be nice if Seattle fans could acknowledge that maybe they weren't exactly seeing things objectively six years ago or fourteen years ago.  It would be cool if a few of them would say... yikes... I don't like winning that way.  Or gee... I know exactly how this must feel for Packers fans... I know just how it feels and it sucks.  But no... the new tune goes something like this... a win is a win is a win!  Or.... well if they didn't want to lose on a bad call at the end... they should have scored more points earlier in the game... which is exactly my opinion of what happened to Seattle in the Super Bowl against the Steelers.

It's just a case of sports fans being hypocritical worm-asses... taking a little double standard out for spin... we wouldn't call them fans if they were all logical and rational.  But they are annoying... always complaining and whining and sniveling... if not about the officials then about the management of their team...  they point to the Yankees and pontificate with righteous indignation that at least the Mariners don't try to BUY their championships.  Then they spend every offseason calling the local radio shows and bitching because their team won't fork over the money to get the superstar free agent flavor of the month.  I have suspected forever that if the Mariners accelerated their spending on talent and paid 600 million dollars next year for all the best athletes in the baseball world... suddenly there would be nothing wrong with that... I've suspected this... and now I know it.

Seattle sports fans are the shallowest.  They feel violated when they lose this way... and understandably so... but when they win this way... well...  there are all kinds or reasons why it's okay to win this way.  What makes them so trite?  I can't blame it on the rain... it's been a long beautiful summer... a little overcast this past week... but no rain really.  Maybe the coffee? 

Blowing the Whistle on Cheaters

If you knew a friend of yours was being cheated on, would you tell him or her?  Someone asked me this today and I do think it's one of the most interesting scenarios to contemplate.  Seems like a lot of things have to be considered and I want to organize my thoughts... perhaps therapeutically.

For one thing when it comes to experience I have never cheated on anyone... one thing that stops me when temptation comes calling is that I would never want to hurt anyone that much.  Another thing that stops me is that I'm almost never in a relationship which makes the plausibility of cheating somewhat dubious.

Have I ever been cheated on?  I think so... but no one has ever confessed... so all I have is suspicion... plenty of it.

Here is a good reason to inform your friend of the evidence you have: When you find out you've been cheated on one of the things that hurts the most is the humiliation of being made a fool of.  Maybe just yesterday you made dinner for your sweetheart.  And then today you find out they've been messing around for weeks.  What an idiot you were!  Making dinner for that piece of (creative expletive very likely pertaining to digestive waste of some kind).  Friends inform friends so they can put a stop to their foolishness as soon as possible.

But an important consideration is this... that your friend might not do what you think they should with the information you give them.  Breaking up is hard to do and they might not want to do it.  They might want to make things work or they might even be in denial of what you've communicated.

Or maybe they already know.  I don't see how you can be in a serious relationship and not sense it a little bit when the other person is being unfaithful or untrustworthy.  So if you don't want to get involved... I think that's understandable... very likely your friend already knows there are trust issues and they just haven't gotten to that point where they're ready or willing to do something about it.

A Huge Day Off





Feeling all conspicuosly cool.

I remember as a kid, reading the Merry Adventures of Robin Hood, how
the hero would sometimes say to Little John something along the lines of... how about we split up and you take this road and I'll take the other and we'll meet back here tomorrow and compare stories.

Well that's kind of how I felt today... I had a plan but didn't really know where anything would take me or what would go wrong or what would happen. I thought about inviting one or two accomplices but in the end thought it would be more adventurous if I went solo.

First stop was the Banyan Tree restaurant in Kent where I know one of the prettiest waitresses, Pirawan, in the northwest and she's very sweet to me... welcoming me with a big hug and hooking me up with a great table on the patio and garlic fried rice with tofu. I sat there reading a few pages from the three books I happen to be reading currently. Wrote in my journal a few lines and soon was on my way again.


Next stop was Magus Books where I found, at last, a nice collector's edition of Faulkner's As I Lay Dying. The staff was friendly and helpful. They let me step behind the counter to get a better view of some their rare books... stipulating only that I might have customers asking me where to find things... in which capacity I supposed I might not be entirely useless.

This isn't me... no really... it isn't me at all.

From there I drove to Metsker Maps in the Pike Place Market part of Seattle... I didn't buy anything there but found a map I liked... a Shakespearean map of England depicting the locations where each of his plays was supposed to have been set. Here... a picture of it....



You can't see, but there are Henry's and Richards all over this map.

Getting out of Seattle is always daunting and today was no different, but I reminded myself I was merely having a fun day off and restricted all stress to a minimum... and it didn't hurt my cause at all when I arrived at A Terrible Beauty ~ Pub in Renton. Very congenial hostess found me a low table right in front of the bar and the live music... a bard playing his heart out. I ordered a large sandwich stuffed full of salad... and a Touchdown which I'm given to understand contains vodka mandarin and red bull. Definitely approved of the ambience.

Once again I'm compelled to insist... this isn't me.

By this time it was 7pm and I made my way over to Half-Price Books... not the one in Tacoma that I know so well but the one in South Center where I could count on seeing some variety in the selections with which I might be less acquainted. And I did find four novels I could not leave without... one of them, One Hundred Years of Solitude had been read by the cashier and she assured me that it had blown her mind... so... I shall simply have to read it sooner than later. That's how that works. I spend so much of my time bumping books to the top of my list... The next one I read will be.... who knows!



On the left the two books I procured from Magus, in the middle the three books I'm reading now, on the right the four books I will read someday.

To finish off my evening I went to a cinema in Federal Way that shows movies which have been out long enough now that they can charge only $2 for them... the movie I came to see wasn't beginning for about 45 minutes so I stepped into Coldstone and enjoyed a huge milk and cookies milkshake while reading a few pages from Dune. Then finally went to see Snow White and the Huntsman which I liked but didn't love insanely... not sure yet where to place it on my list of favorite films... it's easier to understand than Immortals but not quite so perfect as A Knight's Tale.

On the last leg of my journey home I realized my weekend was only half over. That's an awesome feeling. Thanks for sharing it with me!

Irresistible and Almost Ominous Book Titles

One of the best reasons to read a book is just because you like the title.  I've compiled here a list of book titles that intrigue me and make me want to read more even if I have no idea what the book is about.

Remembrance of Things Past

By Marcel Proust.  This is actually a series of about six books and the more modern translation of the title is In Search of Lost Time.  I read the first two installments, Swann's Way and Within a Budding Grove, and both were tragically sleep inducing though obviously works of genius... not as horrible as Ulysses or anything, but they'll never be found snooping around my list of favorite reads.

Bastard Out of Carolina

By Dorothy Allison.  Never read it but I did see the movie and it was both compelling and difficult to stomach in the same way The Color Purple just terrifies you as you stare into the face of humanity and wish like hell you could look away.

A Confederacy of Dunces

By John Kennedy Toole.  I think I'm automatically fascinated with titles that deprecate their own characters as bastards and dunces.  This author left his manuscript in a box under his bed where it was found and published only after he'd already killed himself.  Of course it proceeded to win a Pulitzer Prize.

Stranger in a Strange Land

By Robert Heinlein.  Haven't read this Sci-fi landmark yet, but I will... currently bidding $80 on EbAY for a leather bound copy published by Easton Press.  Only four hours to go.

A Lesson Before Dying

By Ernest J. Gaines.  Haven't read it and have no idea what it's about, but I know I will read it someday.... Notice how none of the books on this list so far contain less than four words in the title.

Love in the Time of Cholera

By Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  Haven't read this one yet, but it did win a Nobel Prize.

Their Eyes Were Watcing God

By Zora Neale Hurston.  I would have read this one just for the title but in actuality it was featured in a book discussion group I regularly participate in.  And I enjoyed it.

The Once and Future King

By T.H. White.  Addressing the Arthurian legend but not as enjoyable for me as Jack Whyte's effort... or Mary Stewart's or Marion Zimmer Bradley's, but still my favorite title for this immensely important and sophisticated story. 

East of Eden

By John Steinbeck.  He also blows me away with another title, Winter of Our Discontent.

The Moon and Sixpence

By W. Somerset Maugham.  Haven't read this one and am not positive that I ever will... though I loved Of Human Bondage by the same author.  But the haunting title is irresistibly provocative...so someday perhaps.

How to Get Over Her in Six Years or More

When you break up with her it’s eminently necessary to have a plan for the remainder of the day. I suggest visiting a casino and playing blackjack. I mean what’s the worst thing that can happen? Your life is already over so losing a few hundred dollars will hardly even register on the Richter scale of your existence.

On the other hand when you do lose a few hundred dollars, and you will, it’s possible you will begin  doubting your ability to make good decisions for yourself. You might think something like this: Obviously I’m a complete idiot and there is no way I can make it in this world on my own so the best thing to do now is to call her and tell her I’m sorry.

But you can’t do that because that would be like admitting that you need her more than she needs you. So you go home and fall into bed and wake up continuously to the realization that, yes, your life is over now.

But another day begins and it’s important to avoid places that might remind you of her. I suggest Walmart, but avoid the trash can aisle or you might see the shiny red trash can you both were thinking about purchasing for the kitchen two months ago in happier times. Seeing something like that might cause a sensation quite similar to having someone stomp on your stomach repeatedly. Don’t feel bad. Everyone’s eyes water when they see a shiny red trash can. Don’t panic.

If you haven’t spoken to her in four days this would be a good time to write her a chivalrously sweet note thanking her for everything she’s meant to you and delivering it to her mailbox personally. This will show her clearly that she’s not losing any regular guy… she’s losing a truly caring and thoughtful gentleman. This strategy features the additional benefit of positioning you at the entrance to her driveway where you can scope out any vehicles which may or may not belong to any other men in her life of whom you may previously have been unaware.

If all goes according to plan she will get your note and on day five she will call you and you will hear her voice and realize you are more in love with her now than you ever were before. This is wonderful. Just think… only five years and 360 days to go… or more.

Since day five was so beautiful, it’s a good idea on day six to check your online phone records of the plan you share with her (that you’re paying for) to make sure she’s not getting a lot of phone calls from anyone you cannot identify. Don’t be surprised if you discover she’s been talking to someone every night from about 10pm to 3am since about five days before you broke up. Want to see something weird?

Check this out: 253 566-1522

What’s so weird about that you ask? Well it’s just a sequence of numbers but for some reason when I look at it I can tell it belongs to a guy. Weird, right? It's just a demonstration... you can actually do it with any numbers arranged in any order... there's nothing the least bit female about any of them.  Every unknown number appearing on her phone records must belong to a guy.  It's a rule.

Whatever you do, don’t confront her about the guy-looking phone number or she will know you’ve been checking the phone records and that would make you look obsessive and insecure.

And when you accidentally do confront her anyway don’t be surprised if she's evasive. I mean... technically... she's not your girlfriend anymore.  Hate to be the one to mention that... but there it is.

Eventually, in her own time she will tell you the number does belong to a guy... a guy that was trying to get with her the whole time you were dating. And now because she’s alone… thanks to you breaking up with her… they’ve become close friends.

Also don’t be surprised if... six months later... they're engaged to be married.
This is actually good for two reasons. First you will realize that she doesn’t love you so you can go on with your life. And second, you only have five and a half years to go… or more.

You should throw yourself into new activities… I suggest the outdoor heavy metal concert in month seven of being single. I realize you completely despise heavy metal music and you basically hate the buddy who invited you, but you can’t ignore the fact that the concert is being held in her neighborhood and since your buddy gets too drunk to drive and locks himself up in your car… this is an ideal time to call her in the middle of the night… and spill the beans about how much you still love her. Chicks dig this kind of thing.  And now you have a mere five years and five months before you are completely over her... or more.

In about the ninth month you should be ready to purge your emotions. I suggest writing a poem about how bleak and pathetic the world is without her. Feel free to publish this masterpiece on Facebook so all two dozen of your loved ones can see it and inundate you with magnificent reaffirmations about what a wonderful person you are and what a wonderful person you will someday find when you finally get over her… in five years and three months… or more.

In the tenth month you should go to a bookstore and peruse the several hundred publications about how to stop drinking. Even if you don’t drink… because obviously you are addicted to this girl and the only thing anyone has ever written about addiction has been pretty much about alcoholism. Just as you are about to give up in disgust you will see a book about how to win the heart of the girl you love. This is a great book for helping you get over her… you must have it.

For the next few weeks you will follow the advice of this book and offer your friendship to her. This will work beautifully for a while… once she realizes she can trust you, she will begin sharing with you some of her concerns about her new lover. Don’t be surprised if it stings a little bit to realize she loves him more than she ever loved you even though he’s the most enormously boring person you have ever heard of. The book advises patience.

At the end of the first year she will break up with the boring fiance’ dude and this will be the happiest day of your life because obviously you are going to get back together and also you now have only five years left before you get over her… or more.

Don’t be surprised if things move kind of slow here and you don’t get back together as quickly as you might like. Since you know her password, I suggest checking her e-mail to make sure everything is okay. Don’t be surprised if you find a confirmation for reservations for her and the guy she supposedly just broke up with for a weekend in Vegas. In the event this upsets you, try to look on the bright side… this proves she doesn’t really care about you at all and you can start moving on with your life… in four years and eleven months… or more.

Whatever you do, don’t confront her or she will get the idea that maybe you’re not satisfied with just being friends and that you want something more from her than she is willing to give.

When you do confront her anyway she will probably change her password and you won’t be able to spy on her e-mail anymore but that’s okay because you’re that much closer to getting over her… in four years and ten months… or more.

At the beginning of year number two you will probably be getting over her a little faster than originally scheduled. This would be a good time to give her a call out of the blue to see how she’s doing. Don’t be surprised if she’s single again. In the back of your mind you’ll be wondering… if she’s single… why didn’t she call you? It couldn’t be that she doesn’t really care about you. That would be absurd.

Also don’t be surprised when she starts dating someone new. This guy will be the most fun and most exciting guy she has ever met in her life, but what does that matter? You just want to be friends. So far as romantic feelings are concerned, you are completely over her… or at least you will be in four years… or more.

At the beginning of year three I suggest writing a book just for her in which you describe in the most eloquent language imaginable what a completely beautiful dream she is. Put all of your heart into it… put all of your soul into it… if your pen runs dry… you should write the final few pages with the water from your tears.

Don’t be surprised if she never reads it, but no matter… you only have three more years of hell… or more.

In the fourth year you will try being friends again because it’s always worked out so well for you in the past. You will loan her money when she needs it and she won’t pay it back, but look at it as a down payment on your liberation from her which will begin in two years… or more.

In the fifth year you will slip up and say something about what a fucking loser her boyfriend is for cheating on her… and she will hate you for it and stop speaking to you. But that’s okay because you can still stalk her on Facebook… and besides you only have one year to go… or more.

At the end of year six you will finally stop checking her Facebook for any hint of news and you will delete her from your phone.

Great job! I knew you could do it! You’re ready for a healthy new relationship!  Now write a blog about how you did it so others can benefit from your triumph!

My Humble Excursions into Hilarity

Chocolate Jokes (2010)

A Bunch of One Liners (2011)

Blasphemy, Myself, And I (2012)

Why I Hate Relationships... Even Yours

To begin with humans are disgusting.  We spend most of our lives trying to improve our self~esteem and self~confidence when in reality we are pathetic and gross.

Because of our worthlessness, we desperately long for any indication that someone... anyone accepts us.  But even when someone does... it's not enough.  We realize the only reason this or that sucker loves us is because we've fooled them, and so rather than feeling better about ourselves... we just recognize more clearly how stupid and desperate other people are.

This helps to explain why I can offer my entire heart and soul to a girl and instead or her reciprocating my feelings, she shuns me and gravitates toward some guy who borrows her money, eats all her food, and treats her like a dumb prostitute.  It's like she knows I'm an imbecile because how else could I have fallen for her?  So she throws herself at the feet of a genuine asshole because if she can somehow convince him to love her... well then... maybe she isn't quite so disgusting and worthless after all.

Not all relationships are this bad, you may say, but how many can you think of off the top of your head that you would describe as great?  For me... it's really not many.  I can't even think of many in which the actual participants claim to be happy with each other.  And then the ones who do make the claim often appear to be trying to convince themselves more than me.

My theory is that most people are getting into relationships way too soon... way too rashly.  They almost wilt with fear at the notion of being alone.  How many times have I seen a friend go through a tough break up and proclaim courageously, "That's it, I'm done with relationships!"  And how long, on average does it take for them to forsake that vow and to either vault themselves into the arms of someone new, or even worse... to vault themselves back into the arms of the person who just ruined their life?  Answer: about three weeks.  That's how long it takes.. on average... That's what I've observed.

And what happens if you don't submerge yourself into a relationship quickly?  Well... I have some perspective on that.  There are the cliche things like you find yourself or you heal, but let's be candid... it sucks.  With every passing day you become more convinced of the truth which is that no one loves you... horror of horrors.  But so what?  As Chris Isaak croons in his most famous song, "Nobody loves no one" which, if you can ignore the double negative, is meant to suggest love is dead.  And why?  Because we're all so damned selfish.  We are really too consumed with our individual crusades for attention to really give a flying fuck about anyone else... not even the person upon whom we have most recently pinned all our hopes of ever being loved.

I have listened for countless hours to girls who can't figure out why a guy says he feels this way but then acts that way.  Why does he say he loves you but then he would rather play video games than take you to dinner?  Or some such conundrum as that, but during these seemingly endless delvings into the supposed reasons for such and such a behavior... what almost never comes up is how the girl feels about the guy they are analyzing.   Doesn't matter.  All that matters is how the guy feels about her.  Does he love her?  That's what she wants to know.  Whether or not she loves him is a question of absolutely no interest at all.  In fact, to address such a question she would almost need to have some inkling or another of what the heck love is.  Which would be pointless inasmuch as... love continues relentlessly to be positively extinct, except you know... for the love of a mother or the love of a pet or whatever.  And yes there are a few other exceptions... a few meaningful relationships between a man and a woman in which they love each other.  It's just that I hesitate to mention them because you get the feeling I'm talking about a few dozen such exceptions and I'm not... there are like three good relationships for every 920 million stupid ones.

So every once in a while someone will ask me why I'm not in a relationship and I jump at the opportunity to pontificate upon a subject that absorbs so much of my thinking, and I probably tend to overwhelm my listener much sooner than I realize.  But somewhat succinctly... and this part will make some folks cringe... I can't fake a lot of confidence.  I love myself for some things and loathe myself for others.  I can handle the combination pretty well on my own, but that's the best I can hope for... I just can't pretend anyone else might enjoy subjecting themselves to life with someone as deplorable as me.... and I know myself well... been up close and personal with myself pretty much non-stop.

That's the main thing... and then add to that how critical I am of others... a tendency getting exponentially worse with age.  I judge girls mercilessly... I don't like the way she's raising her kids, I don't like how much makeup she wears, I don't like how tiny her hands are, I don't like the coarse language she uses, I don't care for her anti-semitism, I don't understand how she can be so gullible, I hate the way she takes 15 times longer to explain something than it should, I don't like how arrogant she is, I'm not a fan of her smoking, I don't like how scary she looks when she's crying, I don't like her narcissism or her insensitivity or the shapelessness of her rear end or her antipathy for reading or her belief in ghosts or... and please don't miss this... her proclivity for being critical of others. 

So if ever I were going to fall for someone... it would have to be someone almost flawless and just like everyone else, I would need this special someone to be practically indifferent to me.  Otherwise I would realize instantly that she's an idiot... and there's nothing flawless about idiots. 

No, relationships are pointless and stupid and unnecessary.  But that's not why I hate them.  The reason I hate them is because they deprive me of what I do enjoy... friendships.  Being single is the way to go, but only if there are a lot of other single people.  A couple months ago I wanted to see a movie.. a romantic movie and I wanted a date to see the movie with.  I found someone but it was almost a miracle.  Most of the female friends I wanted to take were unavailable... sometimes because of work sometimes because of family, but most of them I couldn't ask in the first place because of their boyfriends or husbands.  Which they have to have in order to avoid the hell of being single... but that's the bitch of it... being single isn't hell... unless you're the only one... which I am.  And that's why I hate relationships.

A Ranking of my 172 Favorite Films

1. Unforgiven ~ proselytizing for two hours how inglorious the old west really was before finishing with the most glorious ending ever.


2. Gone With The Wind ~ Scarlett O'Hara was my first love. Hard to believe this film was made 70 years ago. Gorgeous soundtrack.

3. Life is Beautiful ~ The miraculously perfect fusion of comedy with sadness. Soundtrack is must-have.

4. Forrest Gump ~ Intellectually challenged character who becomes a football star, ping pong champion, war hero, chivalrous lover, and noble father leaving me with no excuse for dreams unrealized.

5. There Will Be Blood ~ Daniel Day Lewis in one of the greatest performances ever. Lost Best Picture Award to a movie appearing on this list at #142.

6. Cinderella Man ~My favorite sports movie.

7. Star Trek II, III, and IV ~ When I was a child, I'm afraid my reverence for Spock eclipsed my reverence for anything else.

8. Blade Runner ~ My favorite Sci-Fi movie. Rich with symbolism. What if you could meet your maker? Vangelis soundtrack makes it unforgettable.

9. The Book of Eli ~ Dystopian ambience at its best… stark cruel future… Denzel is bad in a good way and the girl is utterly gorgeous.

10. Unbreakable ~ My favorite super hero movie. Bruce Willis must be convinced of his unique abilities and destiny.

11. True Romance ~ Watch it for the showdown between Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper, but the rest of the movie is superb too.

12. Gladiator ~ Gripping story of revenge waged in ancient times against a twisted tyrant.

13. Godfather Trilogy ~ Notice the way the appearance of fruit consistently precedes death. The music will linger with you long after the closing credits ascend the screen.

14. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly ~ Saw it on VHS when I was about 12 and the phone rang just before final showdown. While movie was on pause my brothers and I argued for nearly an hour about who would kill who. Incredible music by Morricone.

15. To Kill a Mockingbird ~ The inspiring integrity of Atticus. A movie unlike any other for the mood it creates and sustains.

16. Casablanca ~ Replete with majestic dialogue and beautiful musical score.

17. Truman Show ~ Another parable on what you might say if you ever bumped into your maker.

18. Enchanted ~ Fairytale Princess reminds us it's okay to have faith.... in people, in dreams, in love, in life.

19. Sideways ~ Made me feel smart just watching it. Working at several levels and ultimately suggesting you should be true to yourself and while you're at it, go ahead and conquer your fear.

20. Appaloosa ~ My second favorite western. Great chemistry and writing.

21. Rounders ~ The movie about Texas Holdem. Matt Damon's character is a card playing genius.

22. Groundhog Day ~ Lesson to be learned on how sweet life can be when you stop being an impatient self~centered jerk.

23. Far and Away ~ My favorite Tom Cruise movie. A great adventure transcending continents and feelings.

24. Goodwill Hunting ~ Matt Damon's character is a genius (again). This time he's tough as nails too and doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone. He's simply unimpressed.

25. Life of Brian ~ Easily the funniest movie ever made. And it scores a few points too about how ridiculous religion can be.

26. Princess Bride ~ When you're a kid you love stories and this is the best one.

27. Love Actually ~ Tons of laughs that leave you appreciating how boring life would be without that warm mushy stuff we tend to classify as love.

28. Braveheart ~ Beautiful how he humiliates the bad guys for killing his sweetheart. They pay with blood. Lots of it.

29. Equilibrium ~ This guy can (and, more to the point, does) kick ass.

30. Rocky I, II, III, V, VI ~ Had to omit the fourth installment because of the goofy speech Rocky makes to the Russian audience after defeating their champion.

31. Avatar ~ A big beautiful movie!

32. Blood of Heroes ~ Little known but perfectly produced dystopian portrayal of underdog athletes who won't quit.

33. Sling Blade ~ Carl?

34. Long Hot Summer ~ Don Johnson, Cybill Sheperd, Jason Robards. This 1980’s made for TV movie still hasn't been released on DVD.

35. Napoleon Dynamite ~ One of a handful of comedies on this list. Utterly unique. Makes you thank God you're not in high school anymore. Makes you sad that some people never outgrow those years.

36. Ivanhoe ~ Referring to the 1982 TV movie starring Sam Neil as the primary villain. A gorgeous depiction of heraldry and chivalry.

37. Yes Man ~ In which we are playfully reminded that we’re not doing quite enough living with our lives.

38. Year One ~ Funnier every time you watch it and it will make you more knowledgeably.

39. Girl in a Cafe ~ In which life is too damned precious to keep your mouth shut.

40. Troy ~ Very cool battle scenes and an inspired translation of Homer's Iliad to film without too much silliness with the pantheon of gods. Unfortunately there is a scene early in the movie in which Brad Pitt seems to have borrowed an outfit from the women’s wardrobe.

41. Untamed Heart ~ Illustrating how it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved.

42. Pulp Fiction ~ Not one unquotable line in the entire script.

43. Desperado ~ Full throttle entertainment greatly accentuated with Salma Hayek's personal contribution to global warming.

44. Scarface ~ Al Pacino is riveting as the bad ass Cuban. Wicked soundtrack.

45. Last Samurai ~ My second favorite Tom Cruise movie. There's a great great great action sequence in which the hero replays what he just did in his head... killing three assassins in about three seconds without a weapon.

46. Dodge Ball ~ Clever and creative comedy. Ben Stiller wants so much to be tough and somehow fails to realize that he is consistently the precise antithesis of coolness.

47. The Black Stallion ~ Inspiring and artistic. The main character, Alex, seems so quiet and introverted as though at his young age, he's learned already to live on a more enlightened plane where articulation is rendered primitive.

48. Shenandoah ~ Watch it for the advice James Steward gives his future son-in-law about how sometimes women will cry and you won't know why they're crying but it doesn't matter. Just hold them.

49. Malena

50. Leon - The Professional ~ This hero is tough as nails, but somehow a little girl finds a place in his heart.

51. At Play in the Fields of the Lord ~ Not yet on DVD. Sweeping South American epic in which pretty much every pretension is stripped naked.

52. It's a Wonderful Life ~ James Stewart at his best. Nothing wrong with movies that make you strive to be a better person.

53. Arsenic and Old Lace ~ Cary Grant at his unrivaled best. The look on his face will crack you up several moments before he opens his mouth to say something.

54. Harvey ~ Watch this movie every New Year's Eve with a couple of your dearest friends and plenty of White Russians. Takes a few years but eventually you'll find out how it ends.

55. Regarding Henry ~ Warms your heart to see an asshole accidentally learning how to be a person again.

56. Scent of a Woman ~ Should be watched on Thanksgiving Day. Pacino's character is blind in a couple of ways. Doesn't stop him from smacking people down... and sometimes they deserve it.

57. Lord of the Rings Trilogy ~ Well done adaptation of the classic fantasy series. Could do without all the hobbit frolicking toward the end.

58. Philadelphia Story ~ Watch if for the dialogue between Cary Grant and a drunk James Stewart.

59. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington ~ A showdown between one good man and an entire government of greed and corruption. Not based on a true story, but who knows... maybe someday.

60. Mask ~ Exciting and hilarious. The first movie I ever saw Cameron Diaz in and it was love at first sight.

61. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance ~ The sixth film on this list featuring James Stewart. Also John Wayne.

62. High Noon ~ The most classic of all westerns. Gary Cooper, Grace Kelly, and an Academy Award winning soundtrack.

63. Underworld Trilogy ~ Sexy gothic vampire movies with irresistible dark wet sinister ambience and thrilling action. The third and best is set in medieval times.

64. The Graduate ~ I know it's not a comedy, but sometimes I have to laugh at the way the characters are so incapable of connecting with each other. Soundtrack = Greatest Hits by Simon and Garfunkel.

65. Apocalypto ~ This is the kind of movie that grabs you and takes you for a ride at an accelerated velocity and never sets you down until you see the end credits.

66. Shane ~ Pretty deep story in which a gun slinger tries to retire while the bad guys won't let him. It doesn't hurt my appreciation for this movie that I was named after the main character.

67. Planet of the Apes ~ Perhaps the greatest cinematic surprise ending of all time. Watch for thunder in the sky when the astronauts are first exploring the planet... I swear you can see the face of an angry ape illuminated in the clouds.

68. True Grit ~ (2010) Amazing dialogue.

69. The Crucible ~ A cautionary tale against hysteria based on my favorite play.

70. Moonstruck ~ I watch the scene over and over again where Nicholas Cage demands of Cher "What am I, a monument to justice? I lost my hand! I lost my hand!" Riveting hilarity.

71. Pride and Prejudice ~ One of Hollywood's most successful adaptations of a classic.

72. Searching for Bobby Fischer ~ As you support this little boy's quest to dominate the chess world, he's busy cultivating something far more important, his soul.

73. A Knight's Tale ~ A fun movie with some surprisingly touching moments.

74. A Few Good Men ~ You know how sometimes you're flipping through channels and you come to a movie and you just can't flip to another channel no matter how many times you've seen it?

75. Lean on Me ~ In which Morgan Freeman endears himself to movie audiences forever.

76. Batman Begins ~ Better than the more highly acclaimed sequel Dark Knight which is poorly written. Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, and Gary Oldman all in one film!

77. Immortals

78. Cousins ~ Unforgettable moment as an altercation escalates in the movie's climax when Ted Danson explains "I'm trying to make some chicken salad out of some chicken shit."

79. Training Day ~ Possibly Denzel Washington's greatest performance. As close as you can get to L.A. without actually going to L.A.

80. Count of Monte Cristo ~ Hollywood took this immense classic and said Alexandre Dumas wrote a good story, but we can do better.

81. Somewhere in Time ~ A little silly... a little sappy... but when I first saw it more than twenty years ago... I didn't want it to ever end. Did I fall for Jane Seymour? Of course. Heart melting soundtrack.

82. Frankie and Johnny ~ In which a cook and a waitress remind us that you don't have to be a prince and a princess to create your own hot steamy passionate romance.

83. Titanic ~ No one compares it to Gone With the Wind anymore, thank God, but still a good movie.

84. Patriot ~ During which I realized I had already seen every facial expression Mel Gibson is capable of (and there are only two), but still a gripping story and well produced.

85. Legends of the Fall ~ In which Brad Pitt superbly portrays a man with a wild savage restlessness raging inside.

86. Superman Returns ~ In which I realized that I myself have what it takes to be a superhero minus the looks and the physique and the ability to fly and the incredible strength and the dedication to all that is good, but at least I know how to lose the girl I love. I can do that.

87. Independence Day ~ Exciting fun and patriotic!

88. Last of the Mohicans ~ I like the very old black and white version too, but this one is perfect and beautiful.

89. Never Let Me Go ~ An alternate reality in which we depend on exploited clones for our extended life expectancy.

90. Bambi ~ Sweetest animation ever made. Watch it for Thumper's charming perspective on life. Outstanding music.

91. Up

92. El Cid ~ In which I fell in love with Sophia Loren at the moment when her character relinquishes her quest for vengeance against the man who killed her father. An epic film.

93. The Ten Commandments ~ In which every line is delivered as though it were going to be the final line in the movie, and yet somehow it works. Majestic soundtrack.

94. Ben Hur ~ Apparently this is the Charlton Heston part of my list.

95. A Time to Kill ~ Not sure how realistic it was to have KKK in hand to hand combat with good guys outside the courthouse, but otherwise a great movie with great performances.

96. Gettysburg ~ A movie about one battle. You'll feel like you were there except you won't have three hundred bullets in you.

97. Davy Crockett ~ This movie instilled in me a dream of ending my life gloriously while killing incredible numbers of enemy soldiers with a couple of pistols and a Bowie knife.

98. The Jack Bull ~ Where unwavering principle meets a tragic fate.

99. Bourne Trilogy ~ Exceptional fighting sequences. Bourne is about as cool as an action figure can get.

100. Masada ~ Epic showdown between zealots and the entire Roman empire. Peter O'Toole is amazing.

101. I, Robot ~ One of those rare instances in which the film is at least twenty times better than the book.

102. Taken ~ Liam Neeson is the wrong vigilante to provoke.

103. Karate Kid I & II ~ The first film features one of the greatest kicks to the head in all of film history. The second takes us to Japan where Daniel falls in love with an unforgettably sweet innocent beautiful girl. Third and fourth installments were painfully stupid.

104. Saving Private Ryan ~ Opening assault on D-Day brought to life... giving my generation a glimpse of why their generation is so revered.

105. All the King’s Men

106. Children of Men ~ Has a tendency to make you jump out of your seat at the least expected moments.

107. District 9 ~ Amazingly realistic style of sci~fi

108. The Invention of Lying

109. Thor

110. A Simple Plan ~ The lady in the seat in front of me got up and left the theater in disgust. But I like movies that make you ask yourself what you would do.

111. 10,000 B.C. ~ Similar to Apocalypto, but with magic and fantastic beasts.

112. Matrix ~ Could have been so much better, but Laurence Fishburn's corny speech meant to inspire the good guys before the climactic battle made me gag. And the plot got so convoluted... no one can honestly say they knew what was going on.

113. King Kong ~ Newest version seems like three different movies. First they find Kong. Then there's the Jurassic Park adventure with Kong versus Dinosaurs. Then there's Kong in NY.

114. Idiocracy

115. Liar, Liar ~ Jim Carey's best comedy.

116. My Cousin Vinny ~ Marisa Tomei is delectable and the scene in the cell when Vinny is mistaken for a horny inmate will slay you with laughter.

117. Dream a Little Dream ~ Almost forgotten movie from the 80's with Jason Robards, an adorable Meredith Salinger, and the two Cory's. Winning soundtrack.

118. Kick Ass ~ Extremely R-rated action film. Don’t miss Nicholas Cage’s tribute to Adam West.

119. Edge of Darkness ~ The grimmest Mel Gibson performance to date.

120. Proof ~ Sophisticated and complex exploration of genius and the fragility of our emotions.

121. The Fighter

122. The Town

123. The Straight Story

124. Hurt Locker ~ Igniting as nothing has before my sympathy for soldiers who risk their lives every day.

125. 300 ~ Enjoy the action and the story, but not the silliness of everyone growling every time they speak.

126. Maltese Falcon

127. Hancock

128. Daybreakers

129. And Justice For All

130. Incredible Hulk ~ In which a helicopter crashes to Earth without bothering to blow up.

131. Centurion

132. Battle of the Bulge

133. Crash

134. Mongol ~ The Rise of Genghis Khan

135. Revolution

136. Finding Forrester ~ Farfetched how the student faces off against the frustrated professor in front of the class… every pupil’s fantasy.

137. Talladega Nights ~ The Ballad of Ricky Bobby ~ I could watch this just for the prayer at the dinner table.

138. Moneyball

139. The Reading Room ~ An inspiration for the fine art of being kind and good to the human race.

140. Chariots of Fire ~ Listed more for the Vangelis soundtrack than for great performances or scenery or plot.

141. Excalibur ~ The best Arthurian movie so far, but one day they’ll make one with a decent budget.

142. Pathfinder

143. Sin City

144. American History X

145. Dream Team

146. Monsters Ball

147. Phantom of the Opera

148. Absolute Power

149. Kill Bill I&II

150. Tristan and Isolde

151. Fargo

152. No Country for Old Men

153. Cowboys

154. The Departed

155. Anonymous ~ Entertaining treatment of the conspiracy theory that the works of Shakespeare belong to someone else.

156. Kingdom of Heaven ~ Disappointing how every chapter of his life begins with him meeting someone new and ends with that someone disappearing.

157. The Day the Earth Stood Still (Keanu Reeves)

158. Gangs of New York ~ The main reason to see this movie is the brilliance of Daniel Day Lewis.

159. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada

160. Tombstone

161. Vanity Fair

162. Oliver Twist

163. Click

164. Rio Bravo

165. Pale Rider

166. Ride the High Country

167. Donnie Darko

168. Harry Potter

169. Double Indemnity

170. Miracle

171. Memento

172. The Contender