Chocolate Jokes (2010)
A Bunch of One Liners (2011)
Blasphemy, Myself, And I (2012)
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Why I Hate Relationships... Even Yours
To begin with humans are disgusting. We spend most of our lives trying to improve our self~esteem and self~confidence when in reality we are pathetic and gross.
Because of our worthlessness, we desperately long for any indication that someone... anyone accepts us. But even when someone does... it's not enough. We realize the only reason this or that sucker loves us is because we've fooled them, and so rather than feeling better about ourselves... we just recognize more clearly how stupid and desperate other people are.
This helps to explain why I can offer my entire heart and soul to a girl and instead or her reciprocating my feelings, she shuns me and gravitates toward some guy who borrows her money, eats all her food, and treats her like a dumb prostitute. It's like she knows I'm an imbecile because how else could I have fallen for her? So she throws herself at the feet of a genuine asshole because if she can somehow convince him to love her... well then... maybe she isn't quite so disgusting and worthless after all.
Not all relationships are this bad, you may say, but how many can you think of off the top of your head that you would describe as great? For me... it's really not many. I can't even think of many in which the actual participants claim to be happy with each other. And then the ones who do make the claim often appear to be trying to convince themselves more than me.
My theory is that most people are getting into relationships way too soon... way too rashly. They almost wilt with fear at the notion of being alone. How many times have I seen a friend go through a tough break up and proclaim courageously, "That's it, I'm done with relationships!" And how long, on average does it take for them to forsake that vow and to either vault themselves into the arms of someone new, or even worse... to vault themselves back into the arms of the person who just ruined their life? Answer: about three weeks. That's how long it takes.. on average... That's what I've observed.
And what happens if you don't submerge yourself into a relationship quickly? Well... I have some perspective on that. There are the cliche things like you find yourself or you heal, but let's be candid... it sucks. With every passing day you become more convinced of the truth which is that no one loves you... horror of horrors. But so what? As Chris Isaak croons in his most famous song, "Nobody loves no one" which, if you can ignore the double negative, is meant to suggest love is dead. And why? Because we're all so damned selfish. We are really too consumed with our individual crusades for attention to really give a flying fuck about anyone else... not even the person upon whom we have most recently pinned all our hopes of ever being loved.
I have listened for countless hours to girls who can't figure out why a guy says he feels this way but then acts that way. Why does he say he loves you but then he would rather play video games than take you to dinner? Or some such conundrum as that, but during these seemingly endless delvings into the supposed reasons for such and such a behavior... what almost never comes up is how the girl feels about the guy they are analyzing. Doesn't matter. All that matters is how the guy feels about her. Does he love her? That's what she wants to know. Whether or not she loves him is a question of absolutely no interest at all. In fact, to address such a question she would almost need to have some inkling or another of what the heck love is. Which would be pointless inasmuch as... love continues relentlessly to be positively extinct, except you know... for the love of a mother or the love of a pet or whatever. And yes there are a few other exceptions... a few meaningful relationships between a man and a woman in which they love each other. It's just that I hesitate to mention them because you get the feeling I'm talking about a few dozen such exceptions and I'm not... there are like three good relationships for every 920 million stupid ones.
So every once in a while someone will ask me why I'm not in a relationship and I jump at the opportunity to pontificate upon a subject that absorbs so much of my thinking, and I probably tend to overwhelm my listener much sooner than I realize. But somewhat succinctly... and this part will make some folks cringe... I can't fake a lot of confidence. I love myself for some things and loathe myself for others. I can handle the combination pretty well on my own, but that's the best I can hope for... I just can't pretend anyone else might enjoy subjecting themselves to life with someone as deplorable as me.... and I know myself well... been up close and personal with myself pretty much non-stop.
That's the main thing... and then add to that how critical I am of others... a tendency getting exponentially worse with age. I judge girls mercilessly... I don't like the way she's raising her kids, I don't like how much makeup she wears, I don't like how tiny her hands are, I don't like the coarse language she uses, I don't care for her anti-semitism, I don't understand how she can be so gullible, I hate the way she takes 15 times longer to explain something than it should, I don't like how arrogant she is, I'm not a fan of her smoking, I don't like how scary she looks when she's crying, I don't like her narcissism or her insensitivity or the shapelessness of her rear end or her antipathy for reading or her belief in ghosts or... and please don't miss this... her proclivity for being critical of others.
So if ever I were going to fall for someone... it would have to be someone almost flawless and just like everyone else, I would need this special someone to be practically indifferent to me. Otherwise I would realize instantly that she's an idiot... and there's nothing flawless about idiots.
No, relationships are pointless and stupid and unnecessary. But that's not why I hate them. The reason I hate them is because they deprive me of what I do enjoy... friendships. Being single is the way to go, but only if there are a lot of other single people. A couple months ago I wanted to see a movie.. a romantic movie and I wanted a date to see the movie with. I found someone but it was almost a miracle. Most of the female friends I wanted to take were unavailable... sometimes because of work sometimes because of family, but most of them I couldn't ask in the first place because of their boyfriends or husbands. Which they have to have in order to avoid the hell of being single... but that's the bitch of it... being single isn't hell... unless you're the only one... which I am. And that's why I hate relationships.
Because of our worthlessness, we desperately long for any indication that someone... anyone accepts us. But even when someone does... it's not enough. We realize the only reason this or that sucker loves us is because we've fooled them, and so rather than feeling better about ourselves... we just recognize more clearly how stupid and desperate other people are.
This helps to explain why I can offer my entire heart and soul to a girl and instead or her reciprocating my feelings, she shuns me and gravitates toward some guy who borrows her money, eats all her food, and treats her like a dumb prostitute. It's like she knows I'm an imbecile because how else could I have fallen for her? So she throws herself at the feet of a genuine asshole because if she can somehow convince him to love her... well then... maybe she isn't quite so disgusting and worthless after all.
Not all relationships are this bad, you may say, but how many can you think of off the top of your head that you would describe as great? For me... it's really not many. I can't even think of many in which the actual participants claim to be happy with each other. And then the ones who do make the claim often appear to be trying to convince themselves more than me.
My theory is that most people are getting into relationships way too soon... way too rashly. They almost wilt with fear at the notion of being alone. How many times have I seen a friend go through a tough break up and proclaim courageously, "That's it, I'm done with relationships!" And how long, on average does it take for them to forsake that vow and to either vault themselves into the arms of someone new, or even worse... to vault themselves back into the arms of the person who just ruined their life? Answer: about three weeks. That's how long it takes.. on average... That's what I've observed.
And what happens if you don't submerge yourself into a relationship quickly? Well... I have some perspective on that. There are the cliche things like you find yourself or you heal, but let's be candid... it sucks. With every passing day you become more convinced of the truth which is that no one loves you... horror of horrors. But so what? As Chris Isaak croons in his most famous song, "Nobody loves no one" which, if you can ignore the double negative, is meant to suggest love is dead. And why? Because we're all so damned selfish. We are really too consumed with our individual crusades for attention to really give a flying fuck about anyone else... not even the person upon whom we have most recently pinned all our hopes of ever being loved.
I have listened for countless hours to girls who can't figure out why a guy says he feels this way but then acts that way. Why does he say he loves you but then he would rather play video games than take you to dinner? Or some such conundrum as that, but during these seemingly endless delvings into the supposed reasons for such and such a behavior... what almost never comes up is how the girl feels about the guy they are analyzing. Doesn't matter. All that matters is how the guy feels about her. Does he love her? That's what she wants to know. Whether or not she loves him is a question of absolutely no interest at all. In fact, to address such a question she would almost need to have some inkling or another of what the heck love is. Which would be pointless inasmuch as... love continues relentlessly to be positively extinct, except you know... for the love of a mother or the love of a pet or whatever. And yes there are a few other exceptions... a few meaningful relationships between a man and a woman in which they love each other. It's just that I hesitate to mention them because you get the feeling I'm talking about a few dozen such exceptions and I'm not... there are like three good relationships for every 920 million stupid ones.
So every once in a while someone will ask me why I'm not in a relationship and I jump at the opportunity to pontificate upon a subject that absorbs so much of my thinking, and I probably tend to overwhelm my listener much sooner than I realize. But somewhat succinctly... and this part will make some folks cringe... I can't fake a lot of confidence. I love myself for some things and loathe myself for others. I can handle the combination pretty well on my own, but that's the best I can hope for... I just can't pretend anyone else might enjoy subjecting themselves to life with someone as deplorable as me.... and I know myself well... been up close and personal with myself pretty much non-stop.
That's the main thing... and then add to that how critical I am of others... a tendency getting exponentially worse with age. I judge girls mercilessly... I don't like the way she's raising her kids, I don't like how much makeup she wears, I don't like how tiny her hands are, I don't like the coarse language she uses, I don't care for her anti-semitism, I don't understand how she can be so gullible, I hate the way she takes 15 times longer to explain something than it should, I don't like how arrogant she is, I'm not a fan of her smoking, I don't like how scary she looks when she's crying, I don't like her narcissism or her insensitivity or the shapelessness of her rear end or her antipathy for reading or her belief in ghosts or... and please don't miss this... her proclivity for being critical of others.
So if ever I were going to fall for someone... it would have to be someone almost flawless and just like everyone else, I would need this special someone to be practically indifferent to me. Otherwise I would realize instantly that she's an idiot... and there's nothing flawless about idiots.
No, relationships are pointless and stupid and unnecessary. But that's not why I hate them. The reason I hate them is because they deprive me of what I do enjoy... friendships. Being single is the way to go, but only if there are a lot of other single people. A couple months ago I wanted to see a movie.. a romantic movie and I wanted a date to see the movie with. I found someone but it was almost a miracle. Most of the female friends I wanted to take were unavailable... sometimes because of work sometimes because of family, but most of them I couldn't ask in the first place because of their boyfriends or husbands. Which they have to have in order to avoid the hell of being single... but that's the bitch of it... being single isn't hell... unless you're the only one... which I am. And that's why I hate relationships.
Friday, January 20, 2012
A Ranking of my 172 Favorite Films
1. Unforgiven ~ proselytizing for two hours how inglorious the old west really was before finishing with the most glorious ending ever.
2. Gone With The Wind ~ Scarlett O'Hara was my first love. Hard to believe this film was made 70 years ago. Gorgeous soundtrack.
3. Life is Beautiful ~ The miraculously perfect fusion of comedy with sadness. Soundtrack is must-have.
4. Forrest Gump ~ Intellectually challenged character who becomes a football star, ping pong champion, war hero, chivalrous lover, and noble father leaving me with no excuse for dreams unrealized.
5. There Will Be Blood ~ Daniel Day Lewis in one of the greatest performances ever. Lost Best Picture Award to a movie appearing on this list at #142.
6. Cinderella Man ~My favorite sports movie.
7. Star Trek II, III, and IV ~ When I was a child, I'm afraid my reverence for Spock eclipsed my reverence for anything else.
8. Blade Runner ~ My favorite Sci-Fi movie. Rich with symbolism. What if you could meet your maker? Vangelis soundtrack makes it unforgettable.
9. The Book of Eli ~ Dystopian ambience at its best… stark cruel future… Denzel is bad in a good way and the girl is utterly gorgeous.
10. Unbreakable ~ My favorite super hero movie. Bruce Willis must be convinced of his unique abilities and destiny.
11. True Romance ~ Watch it for the showdown between Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper, but the rest of the movie is superb too.
12. Gladiator ~ Gripping story of revenge waged in ancient times against a twisted tyrant.
13. Godfather Trilogy ~ Notice the way the appearance of fruit consistently precedes death. The music will linger with you long after the closing credits ascend the screen.
14. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly ~ Saw it on VHS when I was about 12 and the phone rang just before final showdown. While movie was on pause my brothers and I argued for nearly an hour about who would kill who. Incredible music by Morricone.
15. To Kill a Mockingbird ~ The inspiring integrity of Atticus. A movie unlike any other for the mood it creates and sustains.
16. Casablanca ~ Replete with majestic dialogue and beautiful musical score.
17. Truman Show ~ Another parable on what you might say if you ever bumped into your maker.
18. Enchanted ~ Fairytale Princess reminds us it's okay to have faith.... in people, in dreams, in love, in life.
19. Sideways ~ Made me feel smart just watching it. Working at several levels and ultimately suggesting you should be true to yourself and while you're at it, go ahead and conquer your fear.
20. Appaloosa ~ My second favorite western. Great chemistry and writing.
21. Rounders ~ The movie about Texas Holdem. Matt Damon's character is a card playing genius.
22. Groundhog Day ~ Lesson to be learned on how sweet life can be when you stop being an impatient self~centered jerk.
23. Far and Away ~ My favorite Tom Cruise movie. A great adventure transcending continents and feelings.
24. Goodwill Hunting ~ Matt Damon's character is a genius (again). This time he's tough as nails too and doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone. He's simply unimpressed.
25. Life of Brian ~ Easily the funniest movie ever made. And it scores a few points too about how ridiculous religion can be.
26. Princess Bride ~ When you're a kid you love stories and this is the best one.
27. Love Actually ~ Tons of laughs that leave you appreciating how boring life would be without that warm mushy stuff we tend to classify as love.
28. Braveheart ~ Beautiful how he humiliates the bad guys for killing his sweetheart. They pay with blood. Lots of it.
29. Equilibrium ~ This guy can (and, more to the point, does) kick ass.
30. Rocky I, II, III, V, VI ~ Had to omit the fourth installment because of the goofy speech Rocky makes to the Russian audience after defeating their champion.
31. Avatar ~ A big beautiful movie!
32. Blood of Heroes ~ Little known but perfectly produced dystopian portrayal of underdog athletes who won't quit.
33. Sling Blade ~ Carl?
34. Long Hot Summer ~ Don Johnson, Cybill Sheperd, Jason Robards. This 1980’s made for TV movie still hasn't been released on DVD.
35. Napoleon Dynamite ~ One of a handful of comedies on this list. Utterly unique. Makes you thank God you're not in high school anymore. Makes you sad that some people never outgrow those years.
36. Ivanhoe ~ Referring to the 1982 TV movie starring Sam Neil as the primary villain. A gorgeous depiction of heraldry and chivalry.
37. Yes Man ~ In which we are playfully reminded that we’re not doing quite enough living with our lives.
38. Year One ~ Funnier every time you watch it and it will make you more knowledgeably.
39. Girl in a Cafe ~ In which life is too damned precious to keep your mouth shut.
40. Troy ~ Very cool battle scenes and an inspired translation of Homer's Iliad to film without too much silliness with the pantheon of gods. Unfortunately there is a scene early in the movie in which Brad Pitt seems to have borrowed an outfit from the women’s wardrobe.
41. Untamed Heart ~ Illustrating how it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved.
42. Pulp Fiction ~ Not one unquotable line in the entire script.
43. Desperado ~ Full throttle entertainment greatly accentuated with Salma Hayek's personal contribution to global warming.
44. Scarface ~ Al Pacino is riveting as the bad ass Cuban. Wicked soundtrack.
45. Last Samurai ~ My second favorite Tom Cruise movie. There's a great great great action sequence in which the hero replays what he just did in his head... killing three assassins in about three seconds without a weapon.
46. Dodge Ball ~ Clever and creative comedy. Ben Stiller wants so much to be tough and somehow fails to realize that he is consistently the precise antithesis of coolness.
47. The Black Stallion ~ Inspiring and artistic. The main character, Alex, seems so quiet and introverted as though at his young age, he's learned already to live on a more enlightened plane where articulation is rendered primitive.
48. Shenandoah ~ Watch it for the advice James Steward gives his future son-in-law about how sometimes women will cry and you won't know why they're crying but it doesn't matter. Just hold them.
49. Malena
50. Leon - The Professional ~ This hero is tough as nails, but somehow a little girl finds a place in his heart.
51. At Play in the Fields of the Lord ~ Not yet on DVD. Sweeping South American epic in which pretty much every pretension is stripped naked.
52. It's a Wonderful Life ~ James Stewart at his best. Nothing wrong with movies that make you strive to be a better person.
53. Arsenic and Old Lace ~ Cary Grant at his unrivaled best. The look on his face will crack you up several moments before he opens his mouth to say something.
54. Harvey ~ Watch this movie every New Year's Eve with a couple of your dearest friends and plenty of White Russians. Takes a few years but eventually you'll find out how it ends.
55. Regarding Henry ~ Warms your heart to see an asshole accidentally learning how to be a person again.
56. Scent of a Woman ~ Should be watched on Thanksgiving Day. Pacino's character is blind in a couple of ways. Doesn't stop him from smacking people down... and sometimes they deserve it.
57. Lord of the Rings Trilogy ~ Well done adaptation of the classic fantasy series. Could do without all the hobbit frolicking toward the end.
58. Philadelphia Story ~ Watch if for the dialogue between Cary Grant and a drunk James Stewart.
59. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington ~ A showdown between one good man and an entire government of greed and corruption. Not based on a true story, but who knows... maybe someday.
60. Mask ~ Exciting and hilarious. The first movie I ever saw Cameron Diaz in and it was love at first sight.
61. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance ~ The sixth film on this list featuring James Stewart. Also John Wayne.
62. High Noon ~ The most classic of all westerns. Gary Cooper, Grace Kelly, and an Academy Award winning soundtrack.
63. Underworld Trilogy ~ Sexy gothic vampire movies with irresistible dark wet sinister ambience and thrilling action. The third and best is set in medieval times.
64. The Graduate ~ I know it's not a comedy, but sometimes I have to laugh at the way the characters are so incapable of connecting with each other. Soundtrack = Greatest Hits by Simon and Garfunkel.
65. Apocalypto ~ This is the kind of movie that grabs you and takes you for a ride at an accelerated velocity and never sets you down until you see the end credits.
66. Shane ~ Pretty deep story in which a gun slinger tries to retire while the bad guys won't let him. It doesn't hurt my appreciation for this movie that I was named after the main character.
67. Planet of the Apes ~ Perhaps the greatest cinematic surprise ending of all time. Watch for thunder in the sky when the astronauts are first exploring the planet... I swear you can see the face of an angry ape illuminated in the clouds.
68. True Grit ~ (2010) Amazing dialogue.
69. The Crucible ~ A cautionary tale against hysteria based on my favorite play.
70. Moonstruck ~ I watch the scene over and over again where Nicholas Cage demands of Cher "What am I, a monument to justice? I lost my hand! I lost my hand!" Riveting hilarity.
71. Pride and Prejudice ~ One of Hollywood's most successful adaptations of a classic.
72. Searching for Bobby Fischer ~ As you support this little boy's quest to dominate the chess world, he's busy cultivating something far more important, his soul.
73. A Knight's Tale ~ A fun movie with some surprisingly touching moments.
74. A Few Good Men ~ You know how sometimes you're flipping through channels and you come to a movie and you just can't flip to another channel no matter how many times you've seen it?
75. Lean on Me ~ In which Morgan Freeman endears himself to movie audiences forever.
76. Batman Begins ~ Better than the more highly acclaimed sequel Dark Knight which is poorly written. Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, and Gary Oldman all in one film!
77. Immortals
78. Cousins ~ Unforgettable moment as an altercation escalates in the movie's climax when Ted Danson explains "I'm trying to make some chicken salad out of some chicken shit."
79. Training Day ~ Possibly Denzel Washington's greatest performance. As close as you can get to L.A. without actually going to L.A.
80. Count of Monte Cristo ~ Hollywood took this immense classic and said Alexandre Dumas wrote a good story, but we can do better.
81. Somewhere in Time ~ A little silly... a little sappy... but when I first saw it more than twenty years ago... I didn't want it to ever end. Did I fall for Jane Seymour? Of course. Heart melting soundtrack.
82. Frankie and Johnny ~ In which a cook and a waitress remind us that you don't have to be a prince and a princess to create your own hot steamy passionate romance.
83. Titanic ~ No one compares it to Gone With the Wind anymore, thank God, but still a good movie.
84. Patriot ~ During which I realized I had already seen every facial expression Mel Gibson is capable of (and there are only two), but still a gripping story and well produced.
85. Legends of the Fall ~ In which Brad Pitt superbly portrays a man with a wild savage restlessness raging inside.
86. Superman Returns ~ In which I realized that I myself have what it takes to be a superhero minus the looks and the physique and the ability to fly and the incredible strength and the dedication to all that is good, but at least I know how to lose the girl I love. I can do that.
87. Independence Day ~ Exciting fun and patriotic!
88. Last of the Mohicans ~ I like the very old black and white version too, but this one is perfect and beautiful.
89. Never Let Me Go ~ An alternate reality in which we depend on exploited clones for our extended life expectancy.
90. Bambi ~ Sweetest animation ever made. Watch it for Thumper's charming perspective on life. Outstanding music.
91. Up
92. El Cid ~ In which I fell in love with Sophia Loren at the moment when her character relinquishes her quest for vengeance against the man who killed her father. An epic film.
93. The Ten Commandments ~ In which every line is delivered as though it were going to be the final line in the movie, and yet somehow it works. Majestic soundtrack.
94. Ben Hur ~ Apparently this is the Charlton Heston part of my list.
95. A Time to Kill ~ Not sure how realistic it was to have KKK in hand to hand combat with good guys outside the courthouse, but otherwise a great movie with great performances.
96. Gettysburg ~ A movie about one battle. You'll feel like you were there except you won't have three hundred bullets in you.
97. Davy Crockett ~ This movie instilled in me a dream of ending my life gloriously while killing incredible numbers of enemy soldiers with a couple of pistols and a Bowie knife.
98. The Jack Bull ~ Where unwavering principle meets a tragic fate.
99. Bourne Trilogy ~ Exceptional fighting sequences. Bourne is about as cool as an action figure can get.
100. Masada ~ Epic showdown between zealots and the entire Roman empire. Peter O'Toole is amazing.
101. I, Robot ~ One of those rare instances in which the film is at least twenty times better than the book.
102. Taken ~ Liam Neeson is the wrong vigilante to provoke.
103. Karate Kid I & II ~ The first film features one of the greatest kicks to the head in all of film history. The second takes us to Japan where Daniel falls in love with an unforgettably sweet innocent beautiful girl. Third and fourth installments were painfully stupid.
104. Saving Private Ryan ~ Opening assault on D-Day brought to life... giving my generation a glimpse of why their generation is so revered.
105. All the King’s Men
106. Children of Men ~ Has a tendency to make you jump out of your seat at the least expected moments.
107. District 9 ~ Amazingly realistic style of sci~fi
108. The Invention of Lying
109. Thor
110. A Simple Plan ~ The lady in the seat in front of me got up and left the theater in disgust. But I like movies that make you ask yourself what you would do.
111. 10,000 B.C. ~ Similar to Apocalypto, but with magic and fantastic beasts.
112. Matrix ~ Could have been so much better, but Laurence Fishburn's corny speech meant to inspire the good guys before the climactic battle made me gag. And the plot got so convoluted... no one can honestly say they knew what was going on.
113. King Kong ~ Newest version seems like three different movies. First they find Kong. Then there's the Jurassic Park adventure with Kong versus Dinosaurs. Then there's Kong in NY.
114. Idiocracy
115. Liar, Liar ~ Jim Carey's best comedy.
116. My Cousin Vinny ~ Marisa Tomei is delectable and the scene in the cell when Vinny is mistaken for a horny inmate will slay you with laughter.
117. Dream a Little Dream ~ Almost forgotten movie from the 80's with Jason Robards, an adorable Meredith Salinger, and the two Cory's. Winning soundtrack.
118. Kick Ass ~ Extremely R-rated action film. Don’t miss Nicholas Cage’s tribute to Adam West.
119. Edge of Darkness ~ The grimmest Mel Gibson performance to date.
120. Proof ~ Sophisticated and complex exploration of genius and the fragility of our emotions.
121. The Fighter
122. The Town
123. The Straight Story
124. Hurt Locker ~ Igniting as nothing has before my sympathy for soldiers who risk their lives every day.
125. 300 ~ Enjoy the action and the story, but not the silliness of everyone growling every time they speak.
126. Maltese Falcon
127. Hancock
128. Daybreakers
129. And Justice For All
130. Incredible Hulk ~ In which a helicopter crashes to Earth without bothering to blow up.
131. Centurion
132. Battle of the Bulge
133. Crash
134. Mongol ~ The Rise of Genghis Khan
135. Revolution
136. Finding Forrester ~ Farfetched how the student faces off against the frustrated professor in front of the class… every pupil’s fantasy.
137. Talladega Nights ~ The Ballad of Ricky Bobby ~ I could watch this just for the prayer at the dinner table.
138. Moneyball
139. The Reading Room ~ An inspiration for the fine art of being kind and good to the human race.
140. Chariots of Fire ~ Listed more for the Vangelis soundtrack than for great performances or scenery or plot.
141. Excalibur ~ The best Arthurian movie so far, but one day they’ll make one with a decent budget.
142. Pathfinder
143. Sin City
144. American History X
145. Dream Team
146. Monsters Ball
147. Phantom of the Opera
148. Absolute Power
149. Kill Bill I&II
150. Tristan and Isolde
151. Fargo
152. No Country for Old Men
153. Cowboys
154. The Departed
155. Anonymous ~ Entertaining treatment of the conspiracy theory that the works of Shakespeare belong to someone else.
156. Kingdom of Heaven ~ Disappointing how every chapter of his life begins with him meeting someone new and ends with that someone disappearing.
157. The Day the Earth Stood Still (Keanu Reeves)
158. Gangs of New York ~ The main reason to see this movie is the brilliance of Daniel Day Lewis.
159. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
160. Tombstone
161. Vanity Fair
162. Oliver Twist
163. Click
164. Rio Bravo
165. Pale Rider
166. Ride the High Country
167. Donnie Darko
168. Harry Potter
169. Double Indemnity
170. Miracle
171. Memento
172. The Contender
2. Gone With The Wind ~ Scarlett O'Hara was my first love. Hard to believe this film was made 70 years ago. Gorgeous soundtrack.
3. Life is Beautiful ~ The miraculously perfect fusion of comedy with sadness. Soundtrack is must-have.
4. Forrest Gump ~ Intellectually challenged character who becomes a football star, ping pong champion, war hero, chivalrous lover, and noble father leaving me with no excuse for dreams unrealized.
5. There Will Be Blood ~ Daniel Day Lewis in one of the greatest performances ever. Lost Best Picture Award to a movie appearing on this list at #142.
6. Cinderella Man ~My favorite sports movie.
7. Star Trek II, III, and IV ~ When I was a child, I'm afraid my reverence for Spock eclipsed my reverence for anything else.
8. Blade Runner ~ My favorite Sci-Fi movie. Rich with symbolism. What if you could meet your maker? Vangelis soundtrack makes it unforgettable.
9. The Book of Eli ~ Dystopian ambience at its best… stark cruel future… Denzel is bad in a good way and the girl is utterly gorgeous.
10. Unbreakable ~ My favorite super hero movie. Bruce Willis must be convinced of his unique abilities and destiny.
11. True Romance ~ Watch it for the showdown between Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper, but the rest of the movie is superb too.
12. Gladiator ~ Gripping story of revenge waged in ancient times against a twisted tyrant.
13. Godfather Trilogy ~ Notice the way the appearance of fruit consistently precedes death. The music will linger with you long after the closing credits ascend the screen.
14. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly ~ Saw it on VHS when I was about 12 and the phone rang just before final showdown. While movie was on pause my brothers and I argued for nearly an hour about who would kill who. Incredible music by Morricone.
15. To Kill a Mockingbird ~ The inspiring integrity of Atticus. A movie unlike any other for the mood it creates and sustains.
16. Casablanca ~ Replete with majestic dialogue and beautiful musical score.
17. Truman Show ~ Another parable on what you might say if you ever bumped into your maker.
18. Enchanted ~ Fairytale Princess reminds us it's okay to have faith.... in people, in dreams, in love, in life.
19. Sideways ~ Made me feel smart just watching it. Working at several levels and ultimately suggesting you should be true to yourself and while you're at it, go ahead and conquer your fear.
20. Appaloosa ~ My second favorite western. Great chemistry and writing.
21. Rounders ~ The movie about Texas Holdem. Matt Damon's character is a card playing genius.
22. Groundhog Day ~ Lesson to be learned on how sweet life can be when you stop being an impatient self~centered jerk.
23. Far and Away ~ My favorite Tom Cruise movie. A great adventure transcending continents and feelings.
24. Goodwill Hunting ~ Matt Damon's character is a genius (again). This time he's tough as nails too and doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone. He's simply unimpressed.
25. Life of Brian ~ Easily the funniest movie ever made. And it scores a few points too about how ridiculous religion can be.
26. Princess Bride ~ When you're a kid you love stories and this is the best one.
27. Love Actually ~ Tons of laughs that leave you appreciating how boring life would be without that warm mushy stuff we tend to classify as love.
28. Braveheart ~ Beautiful how he humiliates the bad guys for killing his sweetheart. They pay with blood. Lots of it.
29. Equilibrium ~ This guy can (and, more to the point, does) kick ass.
30. Rocky I, II, III, V, VI ~ Had to omit the fourth installment because of the goofy speech Rocky makes to the Russian audience after defeating their champion.
31. Avatar ~ A big beautiful movie!
32. Blood of Heroes ~ Little known but perfectly produced dystopian portrayal of underdog athletes who won't quit.
33. Sling Blade ~ Carl?
34. Long Hot Summer ~ Don Johnson, Cybill Sheperd, Jason Robards. This 1980’s made for TV movie still hasn't been released on DVD.
35. Napoleon Dynamite ~ One of a handful of comedies on this list. Utterly unique. Makes you thank God you're not in high school anymore. Makes you sad that some people never outgrow those years.
36. Ivanhoe ~ Referring to the 1982 TV movie starring Sam Neil as the primary villain. A gorgeous depiction of heraldry and chivalry.
37. Yes Man ~ In which we are playfully reminded that we’re not doing quite enough living with our lives.
38. Year One ~ Funnier every time you watch it and it will make you more knowledgeably.
39. Girl in a Cafe ~ In which life is too damned precious to keep your mouth shut.
40. Troy ~ Very cool battle scenes and an inspired translation of Homer's Iliad to film without too much silliness with the pantheon of gods. Unfortunately there is a scene early in the movie in which Brad Pitt seems to have borrowed an outfit from the women’s wardrobe.
41. Untamed Heart ~ Illustrating how it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved.
42. Pulp Fiction ~ Not one unquotable line in the entire script.
43. Desperado ~ Full throttle entertainment greatly accentuated with Salma Hayek's personal contribution to global warming.
44. Scarface ~ Al Pacino is riveting as the bad ass Cuban. Wicked soundtrack.
45. Last Samurai ~ My second favorite Tom Cruise movie. There's a great great great action sequence in which the hero replays what he just did in his head... killing three assassins in about three seconds without a weapon.
46. Dodge Ball ~ Clever and creative comedy. Ben Stiller wants so much to be tough and somehow fails to realize that he is consistently the precise antithesis of coolness.
47. The Black Stallion ~ Inspiring and artistic. The main character, Alex, seems so quiet and introverted as though at his young age, he's learned already to live on a more enlightened plane where articulation is rendered primitive.
48. Shenandoah ~ Watch it for the advice James Steward gives his future son-in-law about how sometimes women will cry and you won't know why they're crying but it doesn't matter. Just hold them.
49. Malena
50. Leon - The Professional ~ This hero is tough as nails, but somehow a little girl finds a place in his heart.
51. At Play in the Fields of the Lord ~ Not yet on DVD. Sweeping South American epic in which pretty much every pretension is stripped naked.
52. It's a Wonderful Life ~ James Stewart at his best. Nothing wrong with movies that make you strive to be a better person.
53. Arsenic and Old Lace ~ Cary Grant at his unrivaled best. The look on his face will crack you up several moments before he opens his mouth to say something.
54. Harvey ~ Watch this movie every New Year's Eve with a couple of your dearest friends and plenty of White Russians. Takes a few years but eventually you'll find out how it ends.
55. Regarding Henry ~ Warms your heart to see an asshole accidentally learning how to be a person again.
56. Scent of a Woman ~ Should be watched on Thanksgiving Day. Pacino's character is blind in a couple of ways. Doesn't stop him from smacking people down... and sometimes they deserve it.
57. Lord of the Rings Trilogy ~ Well done adaptation of the classic fantasy series. Could do without all the hobbit frolicking toward the end.
58. Philadelphia Story ~ Watch if for the dialogue between Cary Grant and a drunk James Stewart.
59. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington ~ A showdown between one good man and an entire government of greed and corruption. Not based on a true story, but who knows... maybe someday.
60. Mask ~ Exciting and hilarious. The first movie I ever saw Cameron Diaz in and it was love at first sight.
61. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance ~ The sixth film on this list featuring James Stewart. Also John Wayne.
62. High Noon ~ The most classic of all westerns. Gary Cooper, Grace Kelly, and an Academy Award winning soundtrack.
63. Underworld Trilogy ~ Sexy gothic vampire movies with irresistible dark wet sinister ambience and thrilling action. The third and best is set in medieval times.
64. The Graduate ~ I know it's not a comedy, but sometimes I have to laugh at the way the characters are so incapable of connecting with each other. Soundtrack = Greatest Hits by Simon and Garfunkel.
65. Apocalypto ~ This is the kind of movie that grabs you and takes you for a ride at an accelerated velocity and never sets you down until you see the end credits.
66. Shane ~ Pretty deep story in which a gun slinger tries to retire while the bad guys won't let him. It doesn't hurt my appreciation for this movie that I was named after the main character.
67. Planet of the Apes ~ Perhaps the greatest cinematic surprise ending of all time. Watch for thunder in the sky when the astronauts are first exploring the planet... I swear you can see the face of an angry ape illuminated in the clouds.
68. True Grit ~ (2010) Amazing dialogue.
69. The Crucible ~ A cautionary tale against hysteria based on my favorite play.
70. Moonstruck ~ I watch the scene over and over again where Nicholas Cage demands of Cher "What am I, a monument to justice? I lost my hand! I lost my hand!" Riveting hilarity.
71. Pride and Prejudice ~ One of Hollywood's most successful adaptations of a classic.
72. Searching for Bobby Fischer ~ As you support this little boy's quest to dominate the chess world, he's busy cultivating something far more important, his soul.
73. A Knight's Tale ~ A fun movie with some surprisingly touching moments.
74. A Few Good Men ~ You know how sometimes you're flipping through channels and you come to a movie and you just can't flip to another channel no matter how many times you've seen it?
75. Lean on Me ~ In which Morgan Freeman endears himself to movie audiences forever.
76. Batman Begins ~ Better than the more highly acclaimed sequel Dark Knight which is poorly written. Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, and Gary Oldman all in one film!
77. Immortals
78. Cousins ~ Unforgettable moment as an altercation escalates in the movie's climax when Ted Danson explains "I'm trying to make some chicken salad out of some chicken shit."
79. Training Day ~ Possibly Denzel Washington's greatest performance. As close as you can get to L.A. without actually going to L.A.
80. Count of Monte Cristo ~ Hollywood took this immense classic and said Alexandre Dumas wrote a good story, but we can do better.
81. Somewhere in Time ~ A little silly... a little sappy... but when I first saw it more than twenty years ago... I didn't want it to ever end. Did I fall for Jane Seymour? Of course. Heart melting soundtrack.
82. Frankie and Johnny ~ In which a cook and a waitress remind us that you don't have to be a prince and a princess to create your own hot steamy passionate romance.
83. Titanic ~ No one compares it to Gone With the Wind anymore, thank God, but still a good movie.
84. Patriot ~ During which I realized I had already seen every facial expression Mel Gibson is capable of (and there are only two), but still a gripping story and well produced.
85. Legends of the Fall ~ In which Brad Pitt superbly portrays a man with a wild savage restlessness raging inside.
86. Superman Returns ~ In which I realized that I myself have what it takes to be a superhero minus the looks and the physique and the ability to fly and the incredible strength and the dedication to all that is good, but at least I know how to lose the girl I love. I can do that.
87. Independence Day ~ Exciting fun and patriotic!
88. Last of the Mohicans ~ I like the very old black and white version too, but this one is perfect and beautiful.
89. Never Let Me Go ~ An alternate reality in which we depend on exploited clones for our extended life expectancy.
90. Bambi ~ Sweetest animation ever made. Watch it for Thumper's charming perspective on life. Outstanding music.
91. Up
92. El Cid ~ In which I fell in love with Sophia Loren at the moment when her character relinquishes her quest for vengeance against the man who killed her father. An epic film.
93. The Ten Commandments ~ In which every line is delivered as though it were going to be the final line in the movie, and yet somehow it works. Majestic soundtrack.
94. Ben Hur ~ Apparently this is the Charlton Heston part of my list.
95. A Time to Kill ~ Not sure how realistic it was to have KKK in hand to hand combat with good guys outside the courthouse, but otherwise a great movie with great performances.
96. Gettysburg ~ A movie about one battle. You'll feel like you were there except you won't have three hundred bullets in you.
97. Davy Crockett ~ This movie instilled in me a dream of ending my life gloriously while killing incredible numbers of enemy soldiers with a couple of pistols and a Bowie knife.
98. The Jack Bull ~ Where unwavering principle meets a tragic fate.
99. Bourne Trilogy ~ Exceptional fighting sequences. Bourne is about as cool as an action figure can get.
100. Masada ~ Epic showdown between zealots and the entire Roman empire. Peter O'Toole is amazing.
101. I, Robot ~ One of those rare instances in which the film is at least twenty times better than the book.
102. Taken ~ Liam Neeson is the wrong vigilante to provoke.
103. Karate Kid I & II ~ The first film features one of the greatest kicks to the head in all of film history. The second takes us to Japan where Daniel falls in love with an unforgettably sweet innocent beautiful girl. Third and fourth installments were painfully stupid.
104. Saving Private Ryan ~ Opening assault on D-Day brought to life... giving my generation a glimpse of why their generation is so revered.
105. All the King’s Men
106. Children of Men ~ Has a tendency to make you jump out of your seat at the least expected moments.
107. District 9 ~ Amazingly realistic style of sci~fi
108. The Invention of Lying
109. Thor
110. A Simple Plan ~ The lady in the seat in front of me got up and left the theater in disgust. But I like movies that make you ask yourself what you would do.
111. 10,000 B.C. ~ Similar to Apocalypto, but with magic and fantastic beasts.
112. Matrix ~ Could have been so much better, but Laurence Fishburn's corny speech meant to inspire the good guys before the climactic battle made me gag. And the plot got so convoluted... no one can honestly say they knew what was going on.
113. King Kong ~ Newest version seems like three different movies. First they find Kong. Then there's the Jurassic Park adventure with Kong versus Dinosaurs. Then there's Kong in NY.
114. Idiocracy
115. Liar, Liar ~ Jim Carey's best comedy.
116. My Cousin Vinny ~ Marisa Tomei is delectable and the scene in the cell when Vinny is mistaken for a horny inmate will slay you with laughter.
117. Dream a Little Dream ~ Almost forgotten movie from the 80's with Jason Robards, an adorable Meredith Salinger, and the two Cory's. Winning soundtrack.
118. Kick Ass ~ Extremely R-rated action film. Don’t miss Nicholas Cage’s tribute to Adam West.
119. Edge of Darkness ~ The grimmest Mel Gibson performance to date.
120. Proof ~ Sophisticated and complex exploration of genius and the fragility of our emotions.
121. The Fighter
122. The Town
123. The Straight Story
124. Hurt Locker ~ Igniting as nothing has before my sympathy for soldiers who risk their lives every day.
125. 300 ~ Enjoy the action and the story, but not the silliness of everyone growling every time they speak.
126. Maltese Falcon
127. Hancock
128. Daybreakers
129. And Justice For All
130. Incredible Hulk ~ In which a helicopter crashes to Earth without bothering to blow up.
131. Centurion
132. Battle of the Bulge
133. Crash
134. Mongol ~ The Rise of Genghis Khan
135. Revolution
136. Finding Forrester ~ Farfetched how the student faces off against the frustrated professor in front of the class… every pupil’s fantasy.
137. Talladega Nights ~ The Ballad of Ricky Bobby ~ I could watch this just for the prayer at the dinner table.
138. Moneyball
139. The Reading Room ~ An inspiration for the fine art of being kind and good to the human race.
140. Chariots of Fire ~ Listed more for the Vangelis soundtrack than for great performances or scenery or plot.
141. Excalibur ~ The best Arthurian movie so far, but one day they’ll make one with a decent budget.
142. Pathfinder
143. Sin City
144. American History X
145. Dream Team
146. Monsters Ball
147. Phantom of the Opera
148. Absolute Power
149. Kill Bill I&II
150. Tristan and Isolde
151. Fargo
152. No Country for Old Men
153. Cowboys
154. The Departed
155. Anonymous ~ Entertaining treatment of the conspiracy theory that the works of Shakespeare belong to someone else.
156. Kingdom of Heaven ~ Disappointing how every chapter of his life begins with him meeting someone new and ends with that someone disappearing.
157. The Day the Earth Stood Still (Keanu Reeves)
158. Gangs of New York ~ The main reason to see this movie is the brilliance of Daniel Day Lewis.
159. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
160. Tombstone
161. Vanity Fair
162. Oliver Twist
163. Click
164. Rio Bravo
165. Pale Rider
166. Ride the High Country
167. Donnie Darko
168. Harry Potter
169. Double Indemnity
170. Miracle
171. Memento
172. The Contender
Saturday, December 31, 2011
My Last Blog of 2011
Tomorrow is the first day of a new week.
Tomorrow is the first day of a new month.
Tomorrow is the first day of a new year.
In other words the stars are lining up for a new beginning.
This last year has served to remind me how stupid I can be.
2012 is about doing better.
Tomorrow is the first day of a new month.
Tomorrow is the first day of a new year.
In other words the stars are lining up for a new beginning.
This last year has served to remind me how stupid I can be.
2012 is about doing better.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Just Watched Melancholia
Very interesting movie... starts off slow with slow music and slow motion pictures that almost look like stills.
Melancholia is the name of a planet that's been hiding behind the sun and finally initiates an orbital journey that will bring it into perilously close proximity with Earth, but as the film begins you don't really know anything about that context... you're just watching Justine and her newlywed husband as they arrive for their reception at a mansion owned by Justine's brother inlaw... played by Keifer Sutherland (turning into Donald right before your eyes).
As the incredibly expensive and seemingly unending reception progresses you watch Jusine fade in and out of depression so that there seems to be a two-fold significance to the film's title... the melancholia of the bride as well as the name of the approaching planet.
Enough about the story... now about symbolism. I'm not smart enough to explain it, but I can at least detect some of it when I see it.
There is Biblical symbolism in the name of the horse that only Justine can ride... his name is Abraham... and twice she rides him and both times he balks at crossing a bridge on the way to the village... and when the movie concludes after more than two hours... you will perhaps observe that at no time do you see any scene anywhere except on the golf course estate where the mansion is located. Later Justine's sister tries to escape doom by riding a golf cart to the village and... oddly enough... it dies at the bridge precisely where Abraham consistently refuses to go further.
Also the movie is split into two parts... the first titled Justine and the second titled Claire after her sister. Justine and Claire.... Their initials are strikingly similar to those of Jesus and Christ... am I stretching here? Very likely.
Claire's little boy is Leo. I think an obvious reference to a constellation which seems relevant as much of the movie includes star-gazing.
Then there are numbers... at one point Claire's husband is trying to impress Justine with how much money he has spent on the reception party and demands of her if she knows how many holes there are on the golf course. Answer 18.
Also guests are required to guess how many beans are in a crystal receptacle... eventually we learn the answer is 678 supposedly trivial, but Justine uses her knowledge of this as evidence that she knows things others don't... like there is no life on other planets. But two things about the number itself... first if you add the number of the tribes of Israel (12) to the number of the mark of the beast of Revelation (666) you get 678. That's the first thing... the second... if you observe that 6, 7, and 8 are sequential cardinal numbers... I think it's interesting that the very next number we hear about is when Justine sarcastically suggests that during the end of the world they ought to listen to Beethoven's 9th,,, coincidence? Makes me wonder if I could have found a 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 had I been looking for them from the beginning.
That's all I came up with on my own... now to research the supposed critics and experts.
Thanks for reading.
PS: Came up with a couple more things... The reference to the 18th hole is delivered by Claire's husband, John. In the Bible, John is the writer of the Book of Revelation so I took a peak at chapter 18 and like most of the book... it's about the wickedness and destruction of Babylon... but in the 23rd verse we get:
Melancholia is the name of a planet that's been hiding behind the sun and finally initiates an orbital journey that will bring it into perilously close proximity with Earth, but as the film begins you don't really know anything about that context... you're just watching Justine and her newlywed husband as they arrive for their reception at a mansion owned by Justine's brother inlaw... played by Keifer Sutherland (turning into Donald right before your eyes).
As the incredibly expensive and seemingly unending reception progresses you watch Jusine fade in and out of depression so that there seems to be a two-fold significance to the film's title... the melancholia of the bride as well as the name of the approaching planet.
Enough about the story... now about symbolism. I'm not smart enough to explain it, but I can at least detect some of it when I see it.
There is Biblical symbolism in the name of the horse that only Justine can ride... his name is Abraham... and twice she rides him and both times he balks at crossing a bridge on the way to the village... and when the movie concludes after more than two hours... you will perhaps observe that at no time do you see any scene anywhere except on the golf course estate where the mansion is located. Later Justine's sister tries to escape doom by riding a golf cart to the village and... oddly enough... it dies at the bridge precisely where Abraham consistently refuses to go further.
Also the movie is split into two parts... the first titled Justine and the second titled Claire after her sister. Justine and Claire.... Their initials are strikingly similar to those of Jesus and Christ... am I stretching here? Very likely.
Claire's little boy is Leo. I think an obvious reference to a constellation which seems relevant as much of the movie includes star-gazing.
Then there are numbers... at one point Claire's husband is trying to impress Justine with how much money he has spent on the reception party and demands of her if she knows how many holes there are on the golf course. Answer 18.
Also guests are required to guess how many beans are in a crystal receptacle... eventually we learn the answer is 678 supposedly trivial, but Justine uses her knowledge of this as evidence that she knows things others don't... like there is no life on other planets. But two things about the number itself... first if you add the number of the tribes of Israel (12) to the number of the mark of the beast of Revelation (666) you get 678. That's the first thing... the second... if you observe that 6, 7, and 8 are sequential cardinal numbers... I think it's interesting that the very next number we hear about is when Justine sarcastically suggests that during the end of the world they ought to listen to Beethoven's 9th,,, coincidence? Makes me wonder if I could have found a 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 had I been looking for them from the beginning.
That's all I came up with on my own... now to research the supposed critics and experts.
Thanks for reading.
PS: Came up with a couple more things... The reference to the 18th hole is delivered by Claire's husband, John. In the Bible, John is the writer of the Book of Revelation so I took a peak at chapter 18 and like most of the book... it's about the wickedness and destruction of Babylon... but in the 23rd verse we get:
And the voice of the bridegroom
and of the bride
shall be heard no more
at all in thee
Also... back to the horse Abraham not being able to cross the bridge... during her depression Justine is similarly unable to get into the bathtub... this could be one of those movies in which water plays a great role in the symbolism.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
The Silent Treatment
This past weekend in the poker room where I work a player was collecting a large pot he'd just won and someone exclaimed how lucky he was. His explanation, "clean living!" I thought that was pretty amusing. Today I feel I've enjoyed clean living based on the fact that it's now been one month since I've gambled.
But something else has emerged in my lifestyle as well... I call it my quiet time. I feel as though I have spent the past 29 years navigating a raging storm of disappointment in matters of the heart. And just recently it has subsided and I spend day after day not really thinking of anyone in particular but just happily keeping myself to myself.
This is one reason why I do not long for my youth as others seem to. I remember my youth and it was chaos.
Now I keep myself busy with things I enjoy.
Reading Mary Stewart's Merlin Trilogy and Stephanie Meyers' Twilight Series... which while I'm intrigued with the storyline... wondering how Bella will resolve her interest in Jacob and Edward satisfactorily and whether or not she will ever become a vampire herself... the writing horrifies me. Someone reminded me she's writing for a teenage girl audience... to which I observe it's one thing to write for a teenaged girl and another to write like a teenaged girl. I guess what sickens me is the verbal fondling between the lovers. This is true in real life, isn't it? That when you are around lovers who are saying sticky sweet things to each other it provokes all kinds of vomiting urges... right? Bella answers the door and there stands her human dream! Yuck!
Also about to commence reading the oldest novel in the history of literature... The Tale of Genji by Lady Murasaki. I really hope it's good because it's about 1000 pages.
Tonight before work I will visit Chili Thai and enjoy their classic fried rice with tofu.
Tomorrow night is volleyball.
Thursday I'll be seeing a movie that some people walk out on because it's so tedious and some people continue to think about days later... and they are sometimes the same people... Melancholia.
Saturday I have my online draft for the fantasy basketball season. I'm a Knicks fan, but far far more than that I am a Miami Heat hater... my favorite team this year will be the team that knocks the Heat out of the playoffs.
Assembling material for my fourth open mic comedy routine... as yet unscheduled.
12 days til Christmas.
Life is quiet.. and calm... uneventful... but perfect.
But something else has emerged in my lifestyle as well... I call it my quiet time. I feel as though I have spent the past 29 years navigating a raging storm of disappointment in matters of the heart. And just recently it has subsided and I spend day after day not really thinking of anyone in particular but just happily keeping myself to myself.
This is one reason why I do not long for my youth as others seem to. I remember my youth and it was chaos.
Now I keep myself busy with things I enjoy.
Reading Mary Stewart's Merlin Trilogy and Stephanie Meyers' Twilight Series... which while I'm intrigued with the storyline... wondering how Bella will resolve her interest in Jacob and Edward satisfactorily and whether or not she will ever become a vampire herself... the writing horrifies me. Someone reminded me she's writing for a teenage girl audience... to which I observe it's one thing to write for a teenaged girl and another to write like a teenaged girl. I guess what sickens me is the verbal fondling between the lovers. This is true in real life, isn't it? That when you are around lovers who are saying sticky sweet things to each other it provokes all kinds of vomiting urges... right? Bella answers the door and there stands her human dream! Yuck!
Also about to commence reading the oldest novel in the history of literature... The Tale of Genji by Lady Murasaki. I really hope it's good because it's about 1000 pages.
Tonight before work I will visit Chili Thai and enjoy their classic fried rice with tofu.
Tomorrow night is volleyball.
Thursday I'll be seeing a movie that some people walk out on because it's so tedious and some people continue to think about days later... and they are sometimes the same people... Melancholia.
Saturday I have my online draft for the fantasy basketball season. I'm a Knicks fan, but far far more than that I am a Miami Heat hater... my favorite team this year will be the team that knocks the Heat out of the playoffs.
Assembling material for my fourth open mic comedy routine... as yet unscheduled.
12 days til Christmas.
Life is quiet.. and calm... uneventful... but perfect.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Accomplice to Serial Killing
When I moved into this apartment complex, I didn't know they were planning to make it a gated community. The nice thing about this arrangement is that when a serial killer gets the urge to kill some people they will drive right past and do their dirty work at the apartments down the street at the end of the block.
But every once in a while a serial killer will be determined not just to kill apartment residents, but more specifically to kill apartment residents who think they are safe... and here is how he will do it. He drives up to the gate and parks right next to the access panel. If he lived in this complex he would have in his car with him a drivers~license~sized card containing an electronic device which, when held up to the panel, will activate the gate and cause it to open. But because the serial killer is just a visitor he has no such card and simply parks his car there and waits. Eventually some actual resident will drive up behind the killer's automobile and wait patiently... assuming the killer is a resident who just needs a moment to find his access card. This would be annoying to the resident most likely... because if you live here.. you have to use that card every day and so wouldn't you, a rational person, be mindful not to misplace an item so integral to your return home? The actual resident will pretty quickly make a new assumption... perhaps the killer is not a resident but a visitor... perhaps he has just dialed a code and someone already home in their apartment is going to answer their phone and press the number 9 thereby activating the gate... but several more moments elapse... finally the actual resident realizes that whoever is supposed to be granting admittance to the killer must be in the shower or not even home. By this time four or five cars have lined up behind the killer's car... so many cars in fact that they are now lining up out on the street and backing up traffic for the folks that just want to drive on down to the end of the block and return to their easy to access but woefully dangerous ungated community just down the road.
Then the actual resident parked just behind the killer has to make a decision... he doesn't know who this killer is... what if he's a dangerous sort? What if he's obsessed with an ex~girlfriend and wants to smash in the windows on her car? What if he's a sick pervert who wants to urinate in the swimming pool? What if he's a poacher come to deprive the pond of its delicate swans?
But in the end... who cares? It's not like the actual resident can turn around or back up and go another way, is it? I mean by this time there is a continental drift of traffic jammed up in both directions behind him... so he does what he really knows he should have done three or for minutes earlier... he gets out of his car and walks up next to the killer's card and without any salutation whatsoever he reaches his card out in front of the access panel and the gate begins its arthritic opening sequence.
And everyone is happy... you know... except obviously the eventual victims... but that was bound to happen anyway sooner or later.
For the most part everyone loves living in a safe and protected environment.
Then one time last summer I had a friend come visit me from back east. We had a great time climbing mountains and taking pictures and singing and playing darts... it was the beginning of July when she left and it was then I realized that... what with all the tons of fun we'd been having... I had forgot to pay the rent... so I hurried into the office check in hand only to be told that after the 2nd of the month checks were not permitted but only a money order totaling the month's rent plus $50 for being late. I argued my case but the lady in charge was in full~militant~if~you~think~you~can~charm~me~because~I'm~a~woman~I~will~ castrate~you~with~an~automatic~pencil~sharpener~mode. So meekly I left the office bummed out about the damned inconvenience and fiscal penalty.
Next day I went to the bank and purchased the money order and returned to the office, but because now another day had expired they needed an additional $5. "I didn't know about this" I pleaded "or I would have taken care of it yesterday." But the lady in charge, whose name must have been Harold or Chester, was not to be assuaged. Finally I saw there was no compromise to be negotiated and I pulled out a five dollar bill to consummate the violation of myself, but the lady with her Herculean femininity was not interested. No, I had to return once more to the bank and procure yet another money order... this time in the amount of $5. No cash, no check, no gold bullion would suffice... a money order or an eviction... that was my choice.
Yes, I thought about moving out. Had nowhere to go, it's true, but surely living homeless on the street would be better than submitting to this power hungry lady who made Hulk Hogan look like a Barbie Doll.
But in the end I took my punishment as much like a man as I could while cowering and whimpering in her Paul Bunyanesque shadow.
The only revenge I exacted, I admit, was a bit immature. But that night from 10pm until 4am I stood by the access panel with my access card in front of the gate and admitted dozens and dozens of serial killers as soon as they drove up. They're a shy lot about their chosen professions, I learned. Not more than three in 20 will even admit to having ever murdered anyone.
But every once in a while a serial killer will be determined not just to kill apartment residents, but more specifically to kill apartment residents who think they are safe... and here is how he will do it. He drives up to the gate and parks right next to the access panel. If he lived in this complex he would have in his car with him a drivers~license~sized card containing an electronic device which, when held up to the panel, will activate the gate and cause it to open. But because the serial killer is just a visitor he has no such card and simply parks his car there and waits. Eventually some actual resident will drive up behind the killer's automobile and wait patiently... assuming the killer is a resident who just needs a moment to find his access card. This would be annoying to the resident most likely... because if you live here.. you have to use that card every day and so wouldn't you, a rational person, be mindful not to misplace an item so integral to your return home? The actual resident will pretty quickly make a new assumption... perhaps the killer is not a resident but a visitor... perhaps he has just dialed a code and someone already home in their apartment is going to answer their phone and press the number 9 thereby activating the gate... but several more moments elapse... finally the actual resident realizes that whoever is supposed to be granting admittance to the killer must be in the shower or not even home. By this time four or five cars have lined up behind the killer's car... so many cars in fact that they are now lining up out on the street and backing up traffic for the folks that just want to drive on down to the end of the block and return to their easy to access but woefully dangerous ungated community just down the road.
Then the actual resident parked just behind the killer has to make a decision... he doesn't know who this killer is... what if he's a dangerous sort? What if he's obsessed with an ex~girlfriend and wants to smash in the windows on her car? What if he's a sick pervert who wants to urinate in the swimming pool? What if he's a poacher come to deprive the pond of its delicate swans?
But in the end... who cares? It's not like the actual resident can turn around or back up and go another way, is it? I mean by this time there is a continental drift of traffic jammed up in both directions behind him... so he does what he really knows he should have done three or for minutes earlier... he gets out of his car and walks up next to the killer's card and without any salutation whatsoever he reaches his card out in front of the access panel and the gate begins its arthritic opening sequence.
And everyone is happy... you know... except obviously the eventual victims... but that was bound to happen anyway sooner or later.
For the most part everyone loves living in a safe and protected environment.
Then one time last summer I had a friend come visit me from back east. We had a great time climbing mountains and taking pictures and singing and playing darts... it was the beginning of July when she left and it was then I realized that... what with all the tons of fun we'd been having... I had forgot to pay the rent... so I hurried into the office check in hand only to be told that after the 2nd of the month checks were not permitted but only a money order totaling the month's rent plus $50 for being late. I argued my case but the lady in charge was in full~militant~if~you~think~you~can~charm~me~because~I'm~a~woman~I~will~ castrate~you~with~an~automatic~pencil~sharpener~mode. So meekly I left the office bummed out about the damned inconvenience and fiscal penalty.
Next day I went to the bank and purchased the money order and returned to the office, but because now another day had expired they needed an additional $5. "I didn't know about this" I pleaded "or I would have taken care of it yesterday." But the lady in charge, whose name must have been Harold or Chester, was not to be assuaged. Finally I saw there was no compromise to be negotiated and I pulled out a five dollar bill to consummate the violation of myself, but the lady with her Herculean femininity was not interested. No, I had to return once more to the bank and procure yet another money order... this time in the amount of $5. No cash, no check, no gold bullion would suffice... a money order or an eviction... that was my choice.
Yes, I thought about moving out. Had nowhere to go, it's true, but surely living homeless on the street would be better than submitting to this power hungry lady who made Hulk Hogan look like a Barbie Doll.
But in the end I took my punishment as much like a man as I could while cowering and whimpering in her Paul Bunyanesque shadow.
The only revenge I exacted, I admit, was a bit immature. But that night from 10pm until 4am I stood by the access panel with my access card in front of the gate and admitted dozens and dozens of serial killers as soon as they drove up. They're a shy lot about their chosen professions, I learned. Not more than three in 20 will even admit to having ever murdered anyone.
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