Super Blog XLVII

There are only five NFL teams that are still undefeated in Super Bowl appearances.  And two of them are playing today.  The last time they faced each other was last year and the Ravens won 16-6 on Thanksgiving Day.. and my prediction for today's game is for the Ravens to triumph again 20-14 but what's unique for me is that I've never watched a Super Bowl before in which I wanted so badly for both teams to lose. 

First there is Ray Lewis, defensive phenomenon for Baltimore.  Many people find him inspiring... but to me he's absurdly egotistical.  Almost nothing he says sounds sincere to me... whether he's extolling dedication to teamwork or proclaiming the goodness and amazingness of God... it all sounds incredibly fake... all I can hear is "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!"  So I really don't want the Ravens to win.  What do you think?  Here's a tribute video to help you decide:

Ray Lewis Tribute

On the other team is head coach Jim Harbaugh and I can't stand him either because of this incident from 2011 moments after the 49ers defeated the previously unbeaten Lions.  Usually coaches shake hands after a game, but in what became known as Handshake-gate, Jim basically approaches this handshake as though the defeated coach must be as excited about the outcome as the 49ers... which is stupid and disrespectful... here's the video:

Handshake-gate

I guess the best scenario possible is for the 49ers to humiliate Ray Lewis and then when Jim Harbaugh tries to whoop up his handshake on the Ravens head coach, John Harbaugh, his big brother will beat him up on national television.

The End of the World is no Joking Matter

On December 4th Besse Cooper passed away.  She was the oldest person in the world. 

Thirteen days later Dina Manfredini passed away.  She was the new oldest person in the world.

So the current title belongs to Jiroemon Kimura.  And if he continues living for nine more days he will break the world record for the oldest man to ever live (documented reviewed confirmed and verified).

But if something should happen before then and he is unable to break the record, it would mark the third time in one month that the world's oldest person dies... an occurence unprecedented in history unless you believe the story of Noah's flood...




Which makes me wonder if the Mayans weren't just poking fun at us because of Snooki having a baby and Twinkies going out of business (but not before Snooki had her share)... maybe there really is something going on.




Meanwhile according to BureauOfAgeStatistics.Com I am currently ranked exactly 3 billionth on the oldest people in the world list... I'll be watching these numbers closely in the next few days.

Seattle Sports Fans Out of Tune

I've lived in Chicago and the sports fans there are brash.  I've lived in Nashville and the fans there are tentative but true... like they're still trying to figure out what it means to have professional teams but they love the hell out of the Predators and Titans.  And now I live in Seattle and the sports fans here make me wish I had a mute button.  For years I've heard them complain about the eggregious blunder in 1998 when Vinny Testeverde's helmet (but not the pigskin) crossed the plane of the goal line resulting in a touchdown for the Jets and robbing the Seahawks of a significant win... and then at the end of the 2005 season there was the Super Bowl... with a ton of close calls for the officials to make and a few of them were probably bad calls... but in Seattle it was the end of the freakin' world... those officials were completely stupid and worthless and and it was a conspiracy and blah blah blah...

For a city with such a rich tradition in music... they sure are singing a different tune now.  Now it's all about how they don't owe anyone an apology.  No one said they did.  But with the whole world looking (with a decided expression of disgust) at last night's dubious Monday Night Football victory for the Hawks... it would be nice if Seattle fans could acknowledge that maybe they weren't exactly seeing things objectively six years ago or fourteen years ago.  It would be cool if a few of them would say... yikes... I don't like winning that way.  Or gee... I know exactly how this must feel for Packers fans... I know just how it feels and it sucks.  But no... the new tune goes something like this... a win is a win is a win!  Or.... well if they didn't want to lose on a bad call at the end... they should have scored more points earlier in the game... which is exactly my opinion of what happened to Seattle in the Super Bowl against the Steelers.

It's just a case of sports fans being hypocritical worm-asses... taking a little double standard out for spin... we wouldn't call them fans if they were all logical and rational.  But they are annoying... always complaining and whining and sniveling... if not about the officials then about the management of their team...  they point to the Yankees and pontificate with righteous indignation that at least the Mariners don't try to BUY their championships.  Then they spend every offseason calling the local radio shows and bitching because their team won't fork over the money to get the superstar free agent flavor of the month.  I have suspected forever that if the Mariners accelerated their spending on talent and paid 600 million dollars next year for all the best athletes in the baseball world... suddenly there would be nothing wrong with that... I've suspected this... and now I know it.

Seattle sports fans are the shallowest.  They feel violated when they lose this way... and understandably so... but when they win this way... well...  there are all kinds or reasons why it's okay to win this way.  What makes them so trite?  I can't blame it on the rain... it's been a long beautiful summer... a little overcast this past week... but no rain really.  Maybe the coffee? 

Blowing the Whistle on Cheaters

If you knew a friend of yours was being cheated on, would you tell him or her?  Someone asked me this today and I do think it's one of the most interesting scenarios to contemplate.  Seems like a lot of things have to be considered and I want to organize my thoughts... perhaps therapeutically.

For one thing when it comes to experience I have never cheated on anyone... one thing that stops me when temptation comes calling is that I would never want to hurt anyone that much.  Another thing that stops me is that I'm almost never in a relationship which makes the plausibility of cheating somewhat dubious.

Have I ever been cheated on?  I think so... but no one has ever confessed... so all I have is suspicion... plenty of it.

Here is a good reason to inform your friend of the evidence you have: When you find out you've been cheated on one of the things that hurts the most is the humiliation of being made a fool of.  Maybe just yesterday you made dinner for your sweetheart.  And then today you find out they've been messing around for weeks.  What an idiot you were!  Making dinner for that piece of (creative expletive very likely pertaining to digestive waste of some kind).  Friends inform friends so they can put a stop to their foolishness as soon as possible.

But an important consideration is this... that your friend might not do what you think they should with the information you give them.  Breaking up is hard to do and they might not want to do it.  They might want to make things work or they might even be in denial of what you've communicated.

Or maybe they already know.  I don't see how you can be in a serious relationship and not sense it a little bit when the other person is being unfaithful or untrustworthy.  So if you don't want to get involved... I think that's understandable... very likely your friend already knows there are trust issues and they just haven't gotten to that point where they're ready or willing to do something about it.

A Huge Day Off





Feeling all conspicuosly cool.

I remember as a kid, reading the Merry Adventures of Robin Hood, how
the hero would sometimes say to Little John something along the lines of... how about we split up and you take this road and I'll take the other and we'll meet back here tomorrow and compare stories.

Well that's kind of how I felt today... I had a plan but didn't really know where anything would take me or what would go wrong or what would happen. I thought about inviting one or two accomplices but in the end thought it would be more adventurous if I went solo.

First stop was the Banyan Tree restaurant in Kent where I know one of the prettiest waitresses, Pirawan, in the northwest and she's very sweet to me... welcoming me with a big hug and hooking me up with a great table on the patio and garlic fried rice with tofu. I sat there reading a few pages from the three books I happen to be reading currently. Wrote in my journal a few lines and soon was on my way again.


Next stop was Magus Books where I found, at last, a nice collector's edition of Faulkner's As I Lay Dying. The staff was friendly and helpful. They let me step behind the counter to get a better view of some their rare books... stipulating only that I might have customers asking me where to find things... in which capacity I supposed I might not be entirely useless.

This isn't me... no really... it isn't me at all.

From there I drove to Metsker Maps in the Pike Place Market part of Seattle... I didn't buy anything there but found a map I liked... a Shakespearean map of England depicting the locations where each of his plays was supposed to have been set. Here... a picture of it....



You can't see, but there are Henry's and Richards all over this map.

Getting out of Seattle is always daunting and today was no different, but I reminded myself I was merely having a fun day off and restricted all stress to a minimum... and it didn't hurt my cause at all when I arrived at A Terrible Beauty ~ Pub in Renton. Very congenial hostess found me a low table right in front of the bar and the live music... a bard playing his heart out. I ordered a large sandwich stuffed full of salad... and a Touchdown which I'm given to understand contains vodka mandarin and red bull. Definitely approved of the ambience.

Once again I'm compelled to insist... this isn't me.

By this time it was 7pm and I made my way over to Half-Price Books... not the one in Tacoma that I know so well but the one in South Center where I could count on seeing some variety in the selections with which I might be less acquainted. And I did find four novels I could not leave without... one of them, One Hundred Years of Solitude had been read by the cashier and she assured me that it had blown her mind... so... I shall simply have to read it sooner than later. That's how that works. I spend so much of my time bumping books to the top of my list... The next one I read will be.... who knows!



On the left the two books I procured from Magus, in the middle the three books I'm reading now, on the right the four books I will read someday.

To finish off my evening I went to a cinema in Federal Way that shows movies which have been out long enough now that they can charge only $2 for them... the movie I came to see wasn't beginning for about 45 minutes so I stepped into Coldstone and enjoyed a huge milk and cookies milkshake while reading a few pages from Dune. Then finally went to see Snow White and the Huntsman which I liked but didn't love insanely... not sure yet where to place it on my list of favorite films... it's easier to understand than Immortals but not quite so perfect as A Knight's Tale.

On the last leg of my journey home I realized my weekend was only half over. That's an awesome feeling. Thanks for sharing it with me!

Irresistible and Almost Ominous Book Titles

One of the best reasons to read a book is just because you like the title.  I've compiled here a list of book titles that intrigue me and make me want to read more even if I have no idea what the book is about.

Remembrance of Things Past

By Marcel Proust.  This is actually a series of about six books and the more modern translation of the title is In Search of Lost Time.  I read the first two installments, Swann's Way and Within a Budding Grove, and both were tragically sleep inducing though obviously works of genius... not as horrible as Ulysses or anything, but they'll never be found snooping around my list of favorite reads.

Bastard Out of Carolina

By Dorothy Allison.  Never read it but I did see the movie and it was both compelling and difficult to stomach in the same way The Color Purple just terrifies you as you stare into the face of humanity and wish like hell you could look away.

A Confederacy of Dunces

By John Kennedy Toole.  I think I'm automatically fascinated with titles that deprecate their own characters as bastards and dunces.  This author left his manuscript in a box under his bed where it was found and published only after he'd already killed himself.  Of course it proceeded to win a Pulitzer Prize.

Stranger in a Strange Land

By Robert Heinlein.  Haven't read this Sci-fi landmark yet, but I will... currently bidding $80 on EbAY for a leather bound copy published by Easton Press.  Only four hours to go.

A Lesson Before Dying

By Ernest J. Gaines.  Haven't read it and have no idea what it's about, but I know I will read it someday.... Notice how none of the books on this list so far contain less than four words in the title.

Love in the Time of Cholera

By Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  Haven't read this one yet, but it did win a Nobel Prize.

Their Eyes Were Watcing God

By Zora Neale Hurston.  I would have read this one just for the title but in actuality it was featured in a book discussion group I regularly participate in.  And I enjoyed it.

The Once and Future King

By T.H. White.  Addressing the Arthurian legend but not as enjoyable for me as Jack Whyte's effort... or Mary Stewart's or Marion Zimmer Bradley's, but still my favorite title for this immensely important and sophisticated story. 

East of Eden

By John Steinbeck.  He also blows me away with another title, Winter of Our Discontent.

The Moon and Sixpence

By W. Somerset Maugham.  Haven't read this one and am not positive that I ever will... though I loved Of Human Bondage by the same author.  But the haunting title is irresistibly provocative...so someday perhaps.

How to Get Over Her in Six Years or More

When you break up with her it’s eminently necessary to have a plan for the remainder of the day. I suggest visiting a casino and playing blackjack. I mean what’s the worst thing that can happen? Your life is already over so losing a few hundred dollars will hardly even register on the Richter scale of your existence.

On the other hand when you do lose a few hundred dollars, and you will, it’s possible you will begin  doubting your ability to make good decisions for yourself. You might think something like this: Obviously I’m a complete idiot and there is no way I can make it in this world on my own so the best thing to do now is to call her and tell her I’m sorry.

But you can’t do that because that would be like admitting that you need her more than she needs you. So you go home and fall into bed and wake up continuously to the realization that, yes, your life is over now.

But another day begins and it’s important to avoid places that might remind you of her. I suggest Walmart, but avoid the trash can aisle or you might see the shiny red trash can you both were thinking about purchasing for the kitchen two months ago in happier times. Seeing something like that might cause a sensation quite similar to having someone stomp on your stomach repeatedly. Don’t feel bad. Everyone’s eyes water when they see a shiny red trash can. Don’t panic.

If you haven’t spoken to her in four days this would be a good time to write her a chivalrously sweet note thanking her for everything she’s meant to you and delivering it to her mailbox personally. This will show her clearly that she’s not losing any regular guy… she’s losing a truly caring and thoughtful gentleman. This strategy features the additional benefit of positioning you at the entrance to her driveway where you can scope out any vehicles which may or may not belong to any other men in her life of whom you may previously have been unaware.

If all goes according to plan she will get your note and on day five she will call you and you will hear her voice and realize you are more in love with her now than you ever were before. This is wonderful. Just think… only five years and 360 days to go… or more.

Since day five was so beautiful, it’s a good idea on day six to check your online phone records of the plan you share with her (that you’re paying for) to make sure she’s not getting a lot of phone calls from anyone you cannot identify. Don’t be surprised if you discover she’s been talking to someone every night from about 10pm to 3am since about five days before you broke up. Want to see something weird?

Check this out: 253 566-1522

What’s so weird about that you ask? Well it’s just a sequence of numbers but for some reason when I look at it I can tell it belongs to a guy. Weird, right? It's just a demonstration... you can actually do it with any numbers arranged in any order... there's nothing the least bit female about any of them.  Every unknown number appearing on her phone records must belong to a guy.  It's a rule.

Whatever you do, don’t confront her about the guy-looking phone number or she will know you’ve been checking the phone records and that would make you look obsessive and insecure.

And when you accidentally do confront her anyway don’t be surprised if she's evasive. I mean... technically... she's not your girlfriend anymore.  Hate to be the one to mention that... but there it is.

Eventually, in her own time she will tell you the number does belong to a guy... a guy that was trying to get with her the whole time you were dating. And now because she’s alone… thanks to you breaking up with her… they’ve become close friends.

Also don’t be surprised if... six months later... they're engaged to be married.
This is actually good for two reasons. First you will realize that she doesn’t love you so you can go on with your life. And second, you only have five and a half years to go… or more.

You should throw yourself into new activities… I suggest the outdoor heavy metal concert in month seven of being single. I realize you completely despise heavy metal music and you basically hate the buddy who invited you, but you can’t ignore the fact that the concert is being held in her neighborhood and since your buddy gets too drunk to drive and locks himself up in your car… this is an ideal time to call her in the middle of the night… and spill the beans about how much you still love her. Chicks dig this kind of thing.  And now you have a mere five years and five months before you are completely over her... or more.

In about the ninth month you should be ready to purge your emotions. I suggest writing a poem about how bleak and pathetic the world is without her. Feel free to publish this masterpiece on Facebook so all two dozen of your loved ones can see it and inundate you with magnificent reaffirmations about what a wonderful person you are and what a wonderful person you will someday find when you finally get over her… in five years and three months… or more.

In the tenth month you should go to a bookstore and peruse the several hundred publications about how to stop drinking. Even if you don’t drink… because obviously you are addicted to this girl and the only thing anyone has ever written about addiction has been pretty much about alcoholism. Just as you are about to give up in disgust you will see a book about how to win the heart of the girl you love. This is a great book for helping you get over her… you must have it.

For the next few weeks you will follow the advice of this book and offer your friendship to her. This will work beautifully for a while… once she realizes she can trust you, she will begin sharing with you some of her concerns about her new lover. Don’t be surprised if it stings a little bit to realize she loves him more than she ever loved you even though he’s the most enormously boring person you have ever heard of. The book advises patience.

At the end of the first year she will break up with the boring fiance’ dude and this will be the happiest day of your life because obviously you are going to get back together and also you now have only five years left before you get over her… or more.

Don’t be surprised if things move kind of slow here and you don’t get back together as quickly as you might like. Since you know her password, I suggest checking her e-mail to make sure everything is okay. Don’t be surprised if you find a confirmation for reservations for her and the guy she supposedly just broke up with for a weekend in Vegas. In the event this upsets you, try to look on the bright side… this proves she doesn’t really care about you at all and you can start moving on with your life… in four years and eleven months… or more.

Whatever you do, don’t confront her or she will get the idea that maybe you’re not satisfied with just being friends and that you want something more from her than she is willing to give.

When you do confront her anyway she will probably change her password and you won’t be able to spy on her e-mail anymore but that’s okay because you’re that much closer to getting over her… in four years and ten months… or more.

At the beginning of year number two you will probably be getting over her a little faster than originally scheduled. This would be a good time to give her a call out of the blue to see how she’s doing. Don’t be surprised if she’s single again. In the back of your mind you’ll be wondering… if she’s single… why didn’t she call you? It couldn’t be that she doesn’t really care about you. That would be absurd.

Also don’t be surprised when she starts dating someone new. This guy will be the most fun and most exciting guy she has ever met in her life, but what does that matter? You just want to be friends. So far as romantic feelings are concerned, you are completely over her… or at least you will be in four years… or more.

At the beginning of year three I suggest writing a book just for her in which you describe in the most eloquent language imaginable what a completely beautiful dream she is. Put all of your heart into it… put all of your soul into it… if your pen runs dry… you should write the final few pages with the water from your tears.

Don’t be surprised if she never reads it, but no matter… you only have three more years of hell… or more.

In the fourth year you will try being friends again because it’s always worked out so well for you in the past. You will loan her money when she needs it and she won’t pay it back, but look at it as a down payment on your liberation from her which will begin in two years… or more.

In the fifth year you will slip up and say something about what a fucking loser her boyfriend is for cheating on her… and she will hate you for it and stop speaking to you. But that’s okay because you can still stalk her on Facebook… and besides you only have one year to go… or more.

At the end of year six you will finally stop checking her Facebook for any hint of news and you will delete her from your phone.

Great job! I knew you could do it! You’re ready for a healthy new relationship!  Now write a blog about how you did it so others can benefit from your triumph!