The Smiles Are Real

I just ran two miles in less than 19 minutes. Didn't set any records, but I can feel myself getting stronger out there. And it was raining. Something kind of exhilarating about that and apparently Gatorade knows what it is because when I got home and opened the refrigerator to replenish liquids the first bottle I picked up was called Gatorade Rain.

I thought about Wendy as I came home and felt like sending her a text message saying "are you okay?" The way our friendship ended is that in April we were having dinner and she was showing me text messages her most recent ex had sent her. She was obsessed with trying to figure out what his messages meant. I was obsessed with noticing that the few messages I had sent her were deleted. I didn't say anything then, but a couple days later she asked me if I was ignoring her messages and I replied that I wished she weren't deleting mine. She didn't respond to that for about a week and then came the message when she said. . .

She only wanted a friend.

She went on to say the message thing was just too much for her and that she was going to take some time to take care of herself. And that she wanted me to take the Mariners tickets I'd given to her for her birthday and go with someone else.
That's how our friendship ended with her thinking I wasn't a very good friend and with me thinking I was the best friend she'll ever have and that it's unfortunate she couldn't appreciate that.

But today I asked myself was it the right thing to confront the issue of my messages being deleted? Or was I demanding something from her for selfish reasons. She was careless with my feelings and it would only have gotten worse for me. I believe she was hurting because of losing her ex and that in a subconscious way she was releasing that pain by inflicting it on me... so I kind of decided to remove myself from that role.

Today I want to be her friend again. And yesterday I wanted that too. I'm the person in her life that she could talk to about anything at any time. I would never judge her and I was always in love with her. Very constant that way and I usually think she was a fool to dispense with me so recklessly. All I wanted was for her to say she was sorry for deleting my messages and that she wouldn't do it anymore. But lately I've been thinking I was the fool. Apparently I was more addicted to her leaning on me than she was.

It's been two years since we broke up. Two nightmarish years wherein I often grope about desperately and blindly for some fragments of my soul, but it's getting better. On the 4th of July I was at Fred Meyer shopping for all kinds of things like DVD's and basketball shorts and Gatorade Rain. And I smiled at some person. A bigger smile than usual. A fearless smile. The kind of smile that is completely independent from the assurance that it may or may not be reciprocated. The kind of smile in point of fact that knows it has just completely brightened your day to the extent that if you fail to smile back it's not because you are immune to my charm... no.. .rather you are so much overwhelmed with the warmth that it pretty much renders you responseless for just a brief moment or so. And I kept right on flashing that smile at people... almost every person I saw and I wasn't really doing it on purpose either. It just kept happening and I myself wasn't sure why.

The cashier asked me how my day was going and I told her honestly that I seemed to be in a really good mood which is rare for me. I told her I'm usually quite grumpy. And she said at least I have a good sense of humor about it and I said... yes... I'm a grumpy person with a good sense of humor.... which must be ostensibly plausible because it made her laugh.

And at midnight I'll be at 86 consecutive days without gambling. There's still a long way to go before I reach my goal of 142, but it happens that 86 was the previous record... a record I set when I was with Wendy and believed I had found at last the girl I'd been hoping for throughout the first 34 years of my life.

I don't blame myself for falling for her the way I did. It made perfect sense. There was no reason to doubt the magic of our infatuation together. And I don't blame myself for succumbing to the nightmare of learning that it wasn't real. That whatever she felt for me... it was not love... not any kind of love you would ever want to rely on. It was the most immense disappointment and it's understandable how it submerged me into a listless depression.

And yet I never completely capitulated to the darkness. I held on. I knew that I was basically a happy person and that no disappointment could deprive me of that forever. I knew about my smile. I didn't know where it had gone or how to get it back. But on the 4th of July it just kind of revived on its own without ceremony or explication. And I wouldn't be surprised if it's back for good.