FBI Most Wanted (Someone told me I'm funny)

Last night this girl got close to me and started undressing and I was like... Hey... I want to be honest with you... it's been a long time since I've done this and I'm basically nervous. She said, don't worry honey, it's like riding a bicycle. And I was like... You see what I mean? I definitely don't remember that. Do I need to do some peddling or something?

They say hindsight is 20/20. Seems to me it's when you're looking at someone's ass.

A fun thing to say on a first date with a girl is how much you enjoy getting to that point in a relationship when you're so comfortable with each other that you can enjoy silence.... when neither one of you has to be saying anything. Then when she starts to agree, go... shhh... quiet time!

I've been shopping online for an Audi. My last five girlfriends were all innies.

If I have twins... a girl and a boy, I'm naming them Cinderella and Cindefella.

Someone offered me a Werthers Original, I was like you could save money with Werther's Unoriginals. They taste the same.

I wasted a month of my life in Egypt looking for a town called Bumfuck.

Do you think kids teased Dick Van Dyke when he was a kid?

Have you ever noticed that usually when someone begins a statement by saying, "There's no question about that" they immediately proceed to answer a question about that?

I'm driving. You're in the backseat. You know where I'm going. I don't. I say, Which way do I turn? You say Left. I want to make sure so I say Left? And you say Right.

I love it when I tell someone my birthday is in January and they're like Really!! Oh my God, my sister's birthday is in January too and her boyfriend and his mother were both born in February! And his dad and I are both March babies! And my grandfather and my mother were both born in November. But my Uncle Tobias is the only one in the family that was born in August. Everyone else was born in a cold month... either Winter or Fall or way early Spring!

God forbid we be born on the same day. There are like 365 days in a year, typically... and only 6.75 billion people so the odds against two people being born on the same day... TWO people!!! It just boggles the mind... it really really does.

I fucking hate cheating. No way I would ever cheat on anyone. Most number of girlfriends I've ever had at one time is ONE! Maybe two... at the most.... okay usually two but that doesn't count because they never know about each other. And honestly even if they did it still wouldn't count because I never have any real feelings for them. Like I tell them I have feelings for them because you have to do that to get them to spread their legs, right, but it's never true... so that doesn't count, you see what I mean?

Seriously, my idea of the perfect romantic evening is me and a girl.... okay.... I haven't worked out the details yet, but I think that's a pretty good start.

Masturbating is kind of like going to church. I mean in either case I'm practicing for something that's probably never going to happen.

I have this cologne by Gucci. It's called Gucci. They're working on a fragrance for infants called Gucci Gucci Goo.

I'm writing a self help book. It's called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and it's all Starting to Piss me Off!

I was born on the 29th day of the month and at the time my dad was 29. So 29 years later when I turned 29 on the 29th I bet $29 on a horse wearing the number 29 and you know what? It would have been cool if I'd won.

I wonder how Christmas got its name. I wonder if maybe in the Nativity ~ Mary was having a hard time during labor and if Joseph maybe tried to encourage her by saying hold on there Mary, I can see its head... it's coming... and then she said sarcastically, So's Christmas!

I prefer saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. That way I don't offend anyone who hasn't accepted Jesus as their savior. You and I both know they're going to hell, why rub salt in their wounds.? You know... this time tomorrow Satan will be snacking on their scrawny deep fried little heathen ass, so where do I get off alluding to like the only chance they have of avoiding the perpetual blistering incinerator of scorching white nuclear annihilation that yawns before them?

I have a bumper sticker that says WTFWJD?

I have a photogenic memory. Can't remember shit, but looks nice in a frame.

I love when I'm looking for a movie at Blockbuster and I can't find it so I ask for help and the clerk comes and looks in the same place I just fucking looked. I'm like... what are the chances that I forgot that D comes after C in the alphabet?

Not saying I'm a genius but I went to a few schools that Einstein never even heard of.

I read in a scientific journal that you can tell about a person's sexuality according to their chocolate preferences. Like if a guy is into white chocolate, he will be attracted to women with fair complexions. Or if he's into dark chocolate... darker women. Personally I love milk chocolate... uhhh so.... Lactating women I guess?

Chocolate, incidentally, influenced me to be an atheist. I said hi to my friend, Mae, one evening and she was eating chocolate and when she smiled at me I thought... would a loving God make chocolate and poop look the same? Reiminds me of that Disney Movie where Winnie the Pooh finds the Honey Bucket at the concert... not a pretty sight.

Does jelly come from a jelly bean?

When I'm drawing a blank it doesn't take long.

Sometimes I'll take two pieces of bread and put them together and eat them. It's like a sloppy joe without all the mess.

For a long time I thought I might be a superhero, but I couldn't identify my weakness. You know how Superman has his kryptonite and then I figured it out... for me it's porn.

I have three prosthetics. One on each arm and then... well I can't tell you about the other one.

Bi-polar people shouldn't bitch. You know how they go through these drastic swings up and down? Well I've been diagnosed as south polar... just one long drawn out down.

I was going to cancel cable, but really couldn't live without my Oxygen Network.

The elements irritate me... obviously C is for Cookie, but how do you get K for Potassium?

I have another bumber sticker. It says If you can read this, whoopdie freakin' do!

I think it's nice when you're all smiles, but you can't go anywhere without legs.

I tried to breed a horse with a lizard, but customs won't let you into the country with a mare~iguana.

I always thought paintballing sounded like a weird fetish...I didn't even know they were using guns.

I bought one of those books on tape, but it was a coloring book... so kind of boring.

They test me at work for drug abuse... which is dumb... everyone knows I'm nothing but kind to drugs... always giving them a place to stay when they're on the run or whatever.

I hate when a step ladder tries to take the place of your real ladder.

I think it's great when you're at work and you're sweeping the floor or shining the windows and some lady says, You can come clean my house. When is that ever realistic?