153 Days

In November I wrote a blog about my determination to quit gambling. That was 153 day ago which breaks my old record (set last summer) for abstinence by one day! Economically I have benefitted immensely from putting my money into my checking accounts instead of into the bottomless pit of my habit.

But it would be dishonest of me to say I'm out of the woods. In fact breaking this record may be the single most motivating factor to my achievement. I know at any given moment that I can set a new mark. The first very successful effort was when I was dating my last girlfriend. When she found out how serious my addiction is, she cried, and because I so much wanted to make her happy, I managed to stay away from casinos for 86 days and could possibly have extended that quite a lot if our relationship had not imploded and subsequently launched me into escape mode. Then the next year, much more for myself and in an effort to improve my life (with the help of some incredible encouragement from my friend Alyssa) I set the mark at 142 days.

So my best efforts at breaking the habit look like this:

2006 86 days
2007 142 days
2008 152 days
2009 153 days

Which to look at, causes me a great deal of pride because I know so many people that suffer from the same affliction and they can't really go a week without it, nor do they very often bother to try.

It's not the same as breaking the habit. Let me not fool myself on that point, but what makes me happy is to see an indication here of something quite like self~discipline.

I believe a person's character has to change in order to really conquer gambling and I'm not much closer to this than I was 153 days ago. But I am richer.

My Pathetic Fantasy

I seem to remember reading a comic book once about a couple guys who survived a nuclear apocalypse by confining themselves to an underground shelter with about a dozen gorgeous babes. How convenient, I thought, while rolling my eyes.

But my imagination isn't much better. Not much more sophisticated, I'm afraid. It's occurred to me recently that there's a 20 year class reunion coming up not long from now. Forever I've assumed I would skip it, but now that it's on the horizon, I'm having the most pathetic daydreams of how I will impress everyone I went to high school with.

Oh I will show them how much they underestimated me! That's why I'll be doing pushups today and running a few miles... you know so that I can finally add the 15 pounds of muscle I've been anticipating since I was eight years old.

Oh and I'm finally going to get published. Yeah... I just figured it out in a lovely moment's epiphany... see... I'll write something every day... Just anything. I'm sure it will be great stuff and ummm... everyone that went to Madison Academy in the late 80's will read every word and have nothing else to talk about at the reunion.

And about the wet dream that will be holding my arm... wait... maybe there should be two wet dreams... one on each arm... well I could easily hire a couple escorts with all the money I'll be making from my breakthrough writings. And I'll hire them a few days prior to the big event so I can coach them on how to appear as though they've known me and loved me for several months already.

I might have to create a band so that everyone will be looking for me and then suddenly realize I'm the lead vocalist in the night's entertainment. . . performing all my favorite songs that, coincidentally, will suddenly be everyone else's favorite songs too!

Then there's that one special girl that rejected me. Ummm... I need her husband to be especially boring that night... maybe he can get drunk and throw up on himself. That would be so thoughtful of him. Hmmm... how ethical would it be to lace his beverages with ascerbic acids?

And of course I can just rent the Ferrari. That's the easy part.

God in Heaven, it takes a long time to grow up.

A Treatise on Kindness

Recently I opened my journal to write about the kindest people I know. I sat there brainstorming a for a while. I thought of my older brother. He's always been capable of remarkable selflessness. I have seen him command immense popularity by showing interest in the least popular of the people he meets. I think of my mother who relentlessly instilled in her children the habit of thinking of others. There was no greater transgression than that of being inconsiderate. Whenever she found us feeling sorry for ourselves she would say the best way to feel better is to find someone else who is unhappy and do something to cheer them up. This was a lesson that took me many many years to learn and even now too many days and weeks go by at a time without me pondering it as much as I should, but I thank my mother for teaching us this divine wisdom even if I was slow to grasp it. I think of Con Arnold, a friend of our family that passed away a few years ago. When my mother had to move to a new house in 1996, while her husband was incarcerated, it was a monumental task, but out of nowhere Con showed up with nearly a dozen fellows from our church and several trucks and the moving was finished almost quicker than you could blink. And he was that way with everyone. Always working behind the scenes to help people out in an almost magical way without ever the least interest in taking credit for anything. I think of Marianne where I've worked for nearly six years now. When I was still a very new employee, she was the first person to talk to me and ask me about myself. I'll never forget the gratitude that swept over me as I felt like a real person instead of just the newest idiot that didn't know what he was doing. And often I've tried to follow her example with many of the several hundred new workers that have been hired since then.

When measuring kindness, it seems to me there are about four different classifications. There is the kindness you show your dearest friends. This variety I practically dismiss because it's so basic and natural. But the other three intigue me.

The kindness you show to people you know but are not close to. The next time you hear someone at work talking about their father being sick or their sister getting divorced, try this. Ask for names. Find out their father's name or their sister's name. Then the next time you see them ask about their loved ones by name. It can really amaze people. If you say "Did Laura get the information she needed from her lawyer?" it will make them feel as though you have really taken a genuine interest. You will have automatically separated yourself from all the uncaring masses of people that otherwise surround us.

The kindness you show to people you really don't know. One time my former fiancee and I had just arrived in the parking lot of a shopping mall and a foreign man approached us asking for directions. We knew the street he was talking about, but when we tried to advise him how to get there, it was obvious he was becoming hopelessly confused. We decided to go there ourselves with him following in his car behind us. It only took maybe 25 minutes of our day, but it made us feel like angels to have helped someone out that we didn't know. I'm sorry to say that's nearly the last example I can think of for having done something like that, and it was just about five years ago so I really need to brush up on such things.

Then there is the kindness you show to people you can't stand. This one gets a little biblical and I advise caution with this one. I used to think it was a great experiment to make a project out of someone you dislike intensely and to see what positive effect you can have on them by being very nice. The problem is you might still despise them anyway and when you eventually cease your experiment, it kind of makes you look flaky and disingenuous.

Maybe you've noticed this too, that even the kindest people can get pissed off sometimes. I guess I don't really know anyone who's a perfect saint. But you never know when someone might be sitting down to write in their journal and brainstorming about the kindest people they know... how would you like to be on their list?

How I Became an Atheist

Twenty~one years ago today I became an atheist. Ironically, I was praying. Walking back and forth in the yard behind the condominium in which my family lived, I offering silent supplications to God and attempting to evaluate my faith in him when (not for the first time) it occurred to me he may not exist. For some few moments I resisted contemplation of this nefarious notion, and that was the clincher. For whatever reason, I am not the sort of person that can suppress my own thoughts. If I feel like contemplating something, I'm going to allow myself the freedom to contemplate it. And all the training and conditioning and schooling and indoctrinating and inculcating of my childhood could not withstand or endure the impulse to ponder the possibility that there is no God. To the contrary, I resented what I perceived as a brainwashing environment condusive to bypassing rational thought. Had I been a better behaved sheep, I would instinctively have put my wandering mind on hold and placed my faith blindly and resolutely in God.

The Old Testament Abraham is honored for doing just that. Tradition says God told him to sacrifice the life of his beloved son, Isaac. And the venerated patriarch was going to do it. He had his son bound with rope and set upon an altar and was prepared to personally execute him with a knife when God announced that his faith was sufficiently proven and the sacrifice would be not be necessary after all.

Compared to Abraham, I have no faith at all. But (and here's a point I can only hope to make), I declare myself morally superior to him anyway. Of all the ridiculous stupid disgusting and pathetic things I've ever done, nothing comes close to weighing on my conscience as heavily as would the shame of knowing I had tried to kill my son just because God asked me to. That variety of faith is not something to be proud of.

And neither would I sacrifice the potential of my intellect. I would not constrict my own cognitive ability to evaluate the likelihood of God's existence. The very reflex of feeling guilty because I was entertaining forbidden thoughts motivated me to rebel that much more. There dawned on me an intoxicating hunger for thinking on my own and rejecting anything I was expected to swallow like a good little boy just because I was baptized under deluge upon deluge of religious stories and sermons and songs for as far back as I could remember.That was March 12th, 1988. I decided I'd rather go to hell for doubting God's existence than go to heaven and endorse a God that uses hell as a punishment against those who have doubts.

Today I believe God was created by man and not the other way around. And that this is the only life we have... very nearly the only world we have... Wherefore I sense a tremendous pressure to accomplish as much as possible in the short time allocated. Pressure to do more than I feel like doing... to do more than I'm very likely to do and I often berate myself for personal failures and relentless procrastinations. But I have this one consolation... that 21 years ago I made a decision to rely more upon the integrity of my own mind than upon the regurgitated presuppositional proselytizing of an ageless superstition. I might not ever write the book I dream of writing. And I may never find the right woman with whom to enjoy a romantic relationship... but I know my mind is free to think according to its inclinations and so shall it remain as long as it's able to think at all.

Cracking the 100 ~ Phase One

Recently while shopping at Borders I picked up The Greatest Movies Ever, a book that ranks the top 101 films of all time. Now I'd like to say I'm a huge movie fanatic, but that would mean different things to different people, so I'll try to be more specific: my library features 637 films sequenced in chronological order according to subject matter. So it came as a bit of a shock to me that the fourth film listed in the book was one I had never seen before, namely Sunset Boulevard. There were so many films I hadn't seen, in fact, that my revulsion for ignorance motivated a project. First I made my own list of the best movies. That took about two weeks to accomplish because I wanted to get it right. Now begins the second part which is to watch about twenty movies that appear often on such lists, but that I have not yet seen. After completing this task I will commence the third and final step in the project which consists of revising my list and incorporating whatsoever discoveries I may chance to make in the second phase.

I've made comments next to each entry and in several instances alluded to significant soundtracks because I think they are often integral to the greatness of a film. Here is my list as it stands now:

1. Unforgiven ~ proselytizing for two hours how unglorious westerns really are before finishing with the most glorious ending ever.
2. Gone With The Wind ~ Scarlett O'Hara was my first love. Hard to believe this film was made 70 years ago. Gorgeous soundtrack.
3. Blade Runner ~ My favorite Sci-Fi movie. Rich with symbolism. What if you could meet your maker? What if you could assassinate your maker? Vangelis soundtrack makes it unforgettable.
4. Life is Beautiful ~ The miraculously perfect fusion of comedy with sadness. Soundtrack is must-have.
5. Forrest Gump ~ Intellectually challenged character who becomes a football star, ping pong champion, war hero, chivalrous lover, and noble father leaving me with no excuse for dreams unrealized.
6. There Will Be Blood ~ Daniel Day Lewis in one of the greatest performances ever. Lost Best Picture Award to a movie you won't see on this list.
7. Cinderella Man ~My favorite sports movie.
8. Unbreakable ~ My favorite super hero movie in which Bruce Willis must be convinced of his unique abilities and destiny.
9. Gladiator ~ A gripping story of revenge waged in ancient times against a twisted tyrant.
10. True Romance ~ Watch it for the showdown between Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper, but the rest of the movie is superb too.
11. Groundhog Day ~ Lesson to be learned on how sweet life can be when you stop being a jerk.
12. Star Trek II, III, and IV ~ When I was a child, I'm afraid my reverence for Spock utterly eclipsed my reverence for God.
13. To Kill a Mockingbird ~ The inspiring integrity of Atticus. A movie unlike any other for the mood it creates and sustains.
14. Godfather Trilogy ~ Notice the way the appearance of fruit consistently precedes death. The music will linger with you long after the closing credits ascend the screen.
15. Casablanca ~ Replete with majestic dialogue and beautiful mucical score.
16. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly ~ Saw it on VHS when I was about 12 and the phone rang just before final showdown. While movie was on pause my brothers and I argued for nearly an hour about who would kill who. Incredible music by Morricone.
17. Enchanted ~ Fairytale Princess reminds us it's okay to have faith.... in people, in dreams, in love, in life.
18. Troy ~ Very cool battle scenes and an inspired translation of Homer's Iliad to film without too much silliness with the pantheon of gods.
19. Truman Show ~ Another parable on what you might say if you ever bumped into your maker.
20. Sideways ~ Made me feel smart just watching it. Working at several levels and ultimately suggesting you should be true to yourself and while you're at it, you may as well go ahead and conquer your fears.
21. Braveheart ~ Beautiful how he humiliates the bad guys pay for killing his love. They pay with blood. Lots of it.
22. Rounders ~ The movie about Texas Holdem. Matt Damon's character is a card playing genius.
23. Far and Away ~ My favorite Tom Cruise movie. A great adventure transcending continents and feelings.
24. Blood of Heroes ~ Little known but perfectly produced dystopian portrayal of underdogs who won't quit.
25. Goodwill Hunting ~ Matt Damon's character is a genius (again). This time he's tough as nails too and doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone. He's simply unimpressed.
26. Life of Brian ~ Easily the funniest movie ever made. And it scores a few points too about how ridiculous religion can be.
27. Princess Bride ~ When you're a kid you love stories and this is the best one.
28. Love Actually ~ Tons of laughs that leave you appreciating how boring life would be without that warm mushy stuff we tend to classify as love.
29. Equilibrium ~ This guy can (and, more to the point, does) kick ass.
30. Girl in a Cafe ~ In which life is too damned precious to keep your mouth shut.
31. Sling Blade ~ Carl?
32. Long Hot Summer ~ Don Johnson, Cybill Sheperd, Jason Robards. This 1980-something made for TV movie still hasn't been released on DVD.
33. Last Samurai ~ My second favorite Tom Cruise movie. There's a great great great action sequence in which the hero replays what he just did in his head... killing three assassins in about three seconds without having a weapon.
34. Untamed Heart ~ Illustrating how it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved.
35. Scarface ~ Al Pacino is riveting as the bad ass Cuban. Wicked soundtrack.
36. Pulp Fiction ~ Not one unquotable line in the entire script.
37. Napoleon Dynamite ~ One of a handful of comedies on this list. Utterly unique. Makes you thank God you're not in high school anymore. Makes you sad that some people never outgrow those years.
38. Dodge Ball ~ Clever and creative comedy. Ben Stiller wants so much to be tough and somehow fails to realize that's he's consistently about three galaxies away from success.
39. Regarding Henry ~ Warms your heart to see an asshole accidentally learning how to be a person again.
40. Scent of a Woman ~ Should be watched on Thanksgiving Day. Pacino's character is blind in a couple of ways. Doesn't stop him from smacking people down... and sometimes they deserve it.
41. Underworld Trilogy ~ Sexy gothic vampire movies with irresistible dark wet sinister ambience and thrilling action. The third and best is set in medieval times.
42. Rocky I, II, III, V, VI ~ Had to omit the fourth installment because of the goofy speech Rocky makes to the Russian audience after defeating their champion.
43. Ivanhoe ~ Referring to the 1982 TV movie starring Sam Neil as the primary villain. A gorgeous depiction of heraldry and chivalry.
44. Desperado ~ Full throttle entertainment greatly accentuated with Salma Hayek's global warming.
45. The Black Stallion ~ Inspiringly and artistically done. The main character, Alex, seems so quiet and introverted as though at his young age, he's learned already to live on a more enlightened plane where articulation is rendered primitive.
46. Shenandoah ~ Watch it for the advice James Steward gives his future son-in-law about how sometimes women will cry and you won't know why they're crying but it doesn't matter. Just hold them.
47. Leon - The Professional ~ This hero is tough as nails, but somehow a little girl finds a place in his heart.
48. It's a Wonderful Life ~ James Stewart at his best. Nothing wrong with movies that make you strive to be a better person.
49. Arsenic and Old Lace ~ Cary Grant at his unrivaled best. The look on his face will crack you up several moments before he opens his mouth to say something.
50. Harvey ~ Watch this movie every New Year's Eve with a couple of your dearest friends and plenty of White Russians. Takes a few years but eventually you'll find out how it ends.
51. Lord of the Rings Trilogy ~ Well done adaptation of the classic fantasy series. Could do without all the hobbit frolicking toward the end.
52. Philadelphia Story ~ Watch if for the dialogue between Cary Grant and a drunk James Stewart.
53. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington ~ A showdown between one good man and an entire government of greed and corruption. Not based on a true story, but who knows... maybe someday.
54. Mask ~ Exciting and hilarious. The first movie I ever saw Cameron Diaz in and it was love at first sight.
55. At Play in the Fields of the Lord ~ Not yet on DVD. Sweeping South American epic in which pretty much every pretension is stripped naked.
56. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance ~ The sixth film on this list featuring James Stewart. Plus John Wayne.
57. High Noon ~ The most classic of all westerns. Gary Cooper, Grace Kelly, and an Academy Award winning soundtrack.
58. Apocalypto ~ This is the kind of movie that grabs you and takes you for a ride at an accelerated velocity and never sets you down until you see the end credits.
59. The Graduate ~ I know it's not a comedy, but sometimes I have to laugh at the way the characters are so incapable of connecting with each other. Soundtrack = Greatest Hits by Simon and Garfunkel.
60. A Knight's Tale ~ A fun movie with some surprisingly touching moments.
61. Shane ~ Pretty deep story in which a gun slinger tries to retire while the bad guys won't let him. It doesn't hurt my appreciation for this movie that I was named after the main character.
62. Planet of the Apes ~ Possilby the greatest cinematic surprise ending of all time. Watch for thunder in the sky when the astronauts are first exploring the planet... I swear you can see the face of an angry ape illuminated in the clouds.
63. The Crucible ~ A cautionary tale against hysteria based on my favorite play.
64. Moonstruck ~ I watch the scene over and over again where Nicholas Cage demands of Cher "What am I, a monument to justice? I lost my hand! I lost my hand!" Riveting hilarity.
65. Pride and Prejudice ~ One of Hollywood's most successful adaptations of a classic.
66. Lean on Me ~ In which Morgan Freeman endears himself to movie audiences forever.
67. Cousins ~ Unforgettable moment as an altercation escalates in the movie's climax when Ted Danson explains "I'm trying to make some chicken salad out of some chicken shit."
68. Training Day ~ Possibly Denzel Washington's greatest performance. As close as you can get to L.A. without actually going to L.A.
69. Count of Monte Cristo ~ Hollywood took this immense classic and said Alexandre Dumas wrote a good story, but we can do better.
70. Frankie and Johnny ~ In which a cook and a waitress remind us that you don't have to be a prince and a princess to create your own hot steamy passionate romance.
71. Titanic ~ No one compares it to Gone With the Wind anymore, thank God, but still a good movie.
72. Patriot ~ During which I realized I had already seen every facial expression Mel Gibson is capable of (and there are only two), but still a gripping story and well produced.
73. Searching for Bobby Fischer ~ As you support this little boy's quest to dominate the chess world, he's busy cultivating something far more important, his soul.
74. Somewhere in Time ~ A little silly... a little sappy... but when I first saw it more than twenty years ago... I didn't want it to ever end. Was I madly in love with Jane Seymour? Yes. Heart melting soundtrack.
75. El Cid ~ In which I fell in love with Sophia Loren at the moment when her character relinquishes her quest for vengeance against the man who killed her father. An epic film.
76. The Ten Commandments ~ In which every line is delivered as though it were going to be the final line in the movie, and yet somehow it works. Majestic soundtrack.
77. Ben Hur ~ Apparently this is the Charlton Heston part of my list.
78. Legends of the Fall ~ In which Brad Pitt defines himself as a man with a wild savage beast raging inside.
79. Batman Begins ~ Better than the more highly acclaimed Dark Knight which is poorly written. Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, and Gary Oldman all in one film!
80. Superman Returns ~ In which I realized that I myself have what it takes to be a superhero minus the looks and the physique and the ability to fly and the incredible strength and the dedication to all that is good, but at least I know how to lose the girl I love. I can do that.
81. 10,000 B.C. ~ Similar to Apocalypto, but with magic and fantastic beasts.
82. Independence Day ~ Exciting fun and patriotic!
83. A Time to Kill ~ Not sure how realistic it was to have KKK in hand to hand combat with good guys outside the courthouse, but otherwise a great movie with great performances.
84. A Few Good Men ~ You know how sometimes you're flipping through channels and you come to a movie and you just can't flip to another channel no matter how many times you've seen it?
85. Bourne Trilogy ~ Exceptional fighting sequences. Bourne is about as cool as an action figure can get.
86. Last of the Mohicans ~ I like the very old black and white version too, but this one is superb and beautiful.
87. Gettysburg ~ A movie about one battle. You'll feel like you were there except you won't have three hundred bullets in you.
88. Davy Crockett ~ This movie instilled in me a dream of ending my life gloriously while killing incredible numbers of enemy soldiers with a couple of pistols and a Bowie knife.
89. Masada ~ Epic showdown between zealots and the entire Roman empire. Peter O'Toole is amazing.
90. Matrix ~ Could have been so much better, but Laurence Fishburn's corny speech meant to inspire the good guys before the climactic battle made me gag. And the plot got so convoluted... no one can honestly say they knew what was going on.
91. King Kong ~ Newest version seems like three different movies. First they find Kong. Then there's the Jurassic Park adventure with Kong versus Dinosaurs. Then there's Kong in NY.
92. Liar, Liar ~ Jim Carey's best comedy.
93. My Cousin Vinny ~ Marisa Tomei is delectable and the scene in the cell when Vinny is mistaken for a horny inmate will slay you with laughter.
94. Karate Kid I & II ~ The first film features one of the greatest kicks to the head in all of film history. The second takes us to Japan where Daniel falls in love with an unforgettably sweet innocent beautiful girl. Third and fourth installments were painfully stupid.
95. Dream a Little Dream ~ Almost forgotten movie from the 80's with Jason Robards, an adorable Meredith Salinger, and the two Cory's. Winning soundtrack.
96. Saving Private Ryan ~ Opening assault on D-Day brought to life... giving my generation a glimpse of why their generation is so revered.
97. Children of Men ~ Has a tendency to make you jump out of your seat at the least expected moments.
98. A Simple Plan ~ The lady in the seat in front of me got up and left the theater in disgust. But I like movies that make you ask yourself what you would do.
99. Bambi ~ Sweetest animation ever made. Watch it for Thumper's charming perspective on life. Outstanding music.
100. I, Robot ~ One of those rare instances in which the film is at least twenty times better than the book.

Fallen

Rain falls cold and wet

On sad days we'd rather forget

Most melancholy of all

The days when teardrops fall

And just down the calendar's hall

Dying Leaves fall
From stoic trees tall

In a blustery Fall

Or a child makes a snowball
When sufficient flakes fall
We cannot forestall
Once temperatures fall
If angels resent their maker's call
They wage war in heaven and fall
And I can fall too
Though we're strictly friends, it's true

Sometimes there's nothing else to do

But reminisce... and miss you.

This is not a Blog

So whenever you give to the poor, don't blow a trumpet before you like the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets so that they will be praised by people. I tell you with certainty, they have their full reward!

But when you give to the poor, don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,

so that your giving may be done in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

Matthew 6:2-4

Recently as I left a Fred Meyer grocery store I noticed this fellow ringing his bell for the Salvation Army and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas even though no one was contributing to his collection receptacle. I thought his greetings sounded sincere and I felt some sympathy for him. When it comes right down to it, I felt more compassion for him than I did for the faceless and needful folks he was endeavoring to assist. I got it in my head that I would do something for him to brighten his day as it were and finally put a plan into action this evening.

On my way I was driving along Mildred Avenue when about four pedestrians decided to cross the street where there was no crosswalk or intersection or anything and they did so in the leisurely fashion of those upon whom mere mortals are expected to wait vigilantly lest they should ever have any want or need unmet. I was sufficiently provoked enough to continue driving as though I didn't see them until the last possible second when I finally took advantage of my brakes. Hopefully, I said to myself, they were scared that I might hit them which would serve them right after all.

I'm afraid it took me a moment or two after this interruption to resume the proper attitude of goodness and generosity vital to the mission upon I was undertaking, but soon I arrived in the McDonalds drive~thru where I explained to the cashier I wasn't getting the Big Mac Meal for myself, but for the guy across the street working for the Salvation Army. The cashier acknowledged that was a great thing for me to do and generously wished me a Merry Christmas. Somewhere between there and the actual delivery I realized the Coke was probably too cold for the occasion and made a mental note to substitute coffee next time.

As I placed the meal on the base of a nearby pillar, the Salvation Army soldier looked up and I said "For the person doing the good work." And he thanked me both verbally and with a smile.

Once inside the store I told Julie, my favorite self~checkout attendant, what I'd just done and she agreed with the McDonalds cashier that it was a great thing to do. It's not uncommon for me to find myself in the awkward attempt of being humble when I've just finished bragging about something. So I told her it was probably the first nice thing I'd done for anyone in about two years. We had a discussion about how much the Salvation Army soldiers were making and she supposed it was less than minimum wage. As I left the store I hoped the guy would be devouring his meal, but it seemed as yet untouched. He wished me another heartfelt Merry Christmas, but it was certainly not clear to me whether he recognized me as the recent distributor of his hot fastfood and freezing cold soft drink.

It's not as though I regret my good deed. But I must admit I wish I could have seen myself what good it did. I mean the idea behind a random act of kindness is that it will operate according to a snowball effect so that the salvation army guy will give the fries to some lady who's had her purse stolen and then she'll give the fries to some homeless guy and he'll be the one who stole her purse and he'll give it back to her and then she'll be able to afford her busfare to the hospital where she works as a translator who helps a surgeon avoid using a medication that a pregnant Hungarian is allergic to so the woman's child is delivered alive and healthy and grows up to cure cancer all because of my Big Mac Meal.

So I find myself thinking of the text at the top of this not~blog and my skepticism wages brutal philosophical warfare against the notion that if I had kept my good deed a secret and not mentioned it to the McDonalds cashier maybe I would feel more satisified with my act of kindness. And then I think... perhaps I ought not to have been so tempted to commit four counts of vehicular homicide a few minutes earlier with the brain~drips crossing the street. Maybe if my mind had been in the right place to begin with, it would still be in the right place now.

Along the same lines, I've noticed this about myself too: at work it's customary to do quite a bit of tipping of your various co~workers. We tip the cage cashiers and the baristas and we tip the kitchen staff in the employee dining room. And there are different ways of doing this. Some people will drop the money into a toke box and they'll do it when the beneficiary of their donation has his or her back turned. So in a sense it's like they're doing a good deed and they don't care if anyone knows it or not. I'm different. Instead of putting the tips in the box, I place them on the counter so the cashier or barista or line~cook or whomever will have to pick them up and deposit them personally... that way they know I've tipped them. They know, in other words, who to appreciate for appreciating them.

But the gospel of Matthew tells me I'm handling these things wrong. I should be able to do what's good and right without anyone knowing. So the reward is not in having people pat me on the back. The reward is, presumably, to have so much confidential goodness bottled up inside of you... anonymous goodness... that eventually you'll feel it there inside. Goodness instead of emptiness.

And that's why this not a blog. Because if it were then I would be telling everyone about these things instead of keeping them to myself.