A Device Called Friendship

When offering my opinions on relationships it may interest my readers to consider my credibility in this field which consists of approximately no success whatsoever. Having said that I obstreperously maintain that the best way to achieve a valuable romantic relationship is to begin with friendship. There are at least two arguments against this philosophy.

1). If you're pretending to be a friend when you really want to be a lover then you're being dishonest about your true objectives.

As for the first argument, I don't see it as pretending. You should truly apply yourself to being a friend with the understanding that it may never develop into anything more. The importance of valuable friendships in life cannot be overemphasized. So you dedicate yourself to being someone's friend which means you listen to them carefully and convey how interested you are in pretty much everything they say or think and you offer them honest insightful supportive feedback. And they will most likely come gradually to appreciate you immensely. And if that's as far as it goes what have you lost? But I imagine as they grow tired of the more typical antics of the other people vying for their attention they will one day experience an epiphany whereby you stand alone as someone they would like to spend most of their life with. You've been there. You've cared about them. You make them feel important like no one else ever has.

2.) Certain things can happen under these circumstances that may cause you discomfort and unhappiness.

As for the second argument... Part of being a friend to someone is that you listen to them talk about the people they are romantically and/or passionately interested in. Over and over again you have to suppress your ego and listen patiently and attentively as they say things you wish they would only say about you. During these times I try to project myself as more of a family member than a friend. For example if a girl shows me messages on her phone that were sent to her by a guy that she likes and while examining her phone I notice that all the messages I've sent to her have been deleted, it's better if I just think of myself as her brother. This helps me detach myself from being too sensitive and demanding consideration that isn't quite reasonable just yet. While I wouldn't want the girl of my dreams to dismiss my messages so easily, it wouldn't bother me at all if my sister deleted them.

To some extent all of the above constitutes a game and there is a natural prejudice against playing games in relationships. Also it's fair to say that I'm recommending manipulation as well. But I justify these things by insisting that the friendship is genuine... that there is always the acceptance of the possibility that nothing more than friendship may ever develop and there's never anything wrong with that. Furthermore if you know yourself to care about someone and to have someone's welfare and happiness as extremely high priorities then I think it's permissable to be discreet with your deeper feelings. The first time I see a pretty girl I don't walk up to her and say "I'm thinking about what kind of girlfriend you might be and I think you would look great in a bikini." Does that mean I'm playing games when instead I ask her about her day? Does that mean I'm manipulating her when I refrain from announcing how sexually appealing I find her to be? I'm not against expressing your feelings. I'm just promoting the idea of timing. Confess your feelings eventually, but first give the other person a chance to cultivate some feelings of their own.